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I stand behind not messing with your scheduled time with the kids

I was a single parent for a long time too and it isn't about babysitting it is about responsibility

just as she would have to find a sitter if she couldn't watch them on her scheduled day, so would he or he would be using her as a "babysitter"

she should be able to feel the loss in other ways

don't use the kids as pawns or weapons to prove a point

and if you have to lie to create mystery then it isn't real anyway

getting a life is about just that

getting a life

she will know or she won't know but it isn't about making her wonder...it is about WHO YOU ARE

don't play games with anyone

just live the way you were meant to live all along

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Originally Posted By: figgeroni
I stand behind not messing with your scheduled time with the kids

I was a single parent for a long time too and it isn't about babysitting it is about responsibility

just as she would have to find a sitter if she couldn't watch them on her scheduled day, so would he or he would be using her as a "babysitter"

she should be able to feel the loss in other ways

don't use the kids as pawns or weapons to prove a point

and if you have to lie to create mystery then it isn't real anyway

getting a life is about just that

getting a life

she will know or she won't know but it isn't about making her wonder...it is about WHO YOU ARE

don't play games with anyone

just live the way you were meant to live all along


Let's put it this way, WHG's W reminds me of how my ex behaved with our child. He used our child to keep himself entangled into my life, and manipulated me with a tight schedule. He had a hold on my every movement, because of that tight schedule. And yes, he treated me like I was the baby sitter, setting up a schedule that would be pertinent to his nights out with buddies. I'm sorry, but I put an end to this, as I was not our daughter's baby sitter, but her mother.

I db-ed my marriage and saved it, not by playing games, but by being gone and his feeling my being gone, and moving on and not allowing myself to be controlled.

Oh yes, an experienced member on this forum told me, when I first started to GAL, and I had no one to really go out with, told me "fake it till you make it". In the beginning I had no one to go with, so I went to the library until I found buddies to go out with.

When you create mystery, you are making it real when you break out and engage in things and not allow yourself to be manipulated. It's real when you do that for yourself.

His life is no longer her business, and if he wants to go out instead of take his children, it doesn't make him a horrible person either.

It's not about using the children as weapons, that's far from where I was going.

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I understand what you're saying CT. I think my W does like to use me as a babysitter, but whether she can do that or not is entirely in my control.

With that said I don't know, at least at this point, if I'm comfortable with the short-notice change of plans just to create mystery. I love my time with my son and my SS and SD too much. And in the case of SS/SD there's so little of it in the first place.

I've also spent the past six years being the one who usually was with SS/SD when their dad would cancel on short notice or just not show up for a scheduled night. I've seen, repeatedly, what that experience is like for the kids. I've spent too many nights piecing SS/SD back together again because their dad didn't show. I don't think SS/SD would have a huge issue if I cancelled, but my S absolutely would. I guess, for me, if it comes down to that's what I need to do to put my M back together then that's a bridge too far for me. It's not that it's right or wrong, but it's a personal choice I don't know that I can make.

Last week at one point W mentioned that there are some weekends this summer that she already knows she has things going on where she has the kids. She didn't have the list of dates but said there are three our four of them. She casually mentioned that maybe we could switch up some weekends. Of course that's not possible since she works her weekends without the kids. I know her well enough that this is her way of "easing" me into taking them for her while she goes off to a big party, music festival, etc...

After that convo I thought about it for a while. I am planning on making sure I have something going on those weekends, and if I don't I'll find something. I don't feel that's manipulative because I'm not reneging on a commitment I've already made. There may be one weekend I'm willing to take the kids since I would like to take all of them on a four or five day vacation somewhere. But the others it's up to her.

As far as Facebook there's been lots of different advice. Go dark, post constantly, post sparingly. The thing is, I haven't changed my approach or frequency of posting stuff to Facebook. I also don't post stuff for her benefit. I post it so my mom, my friends, my niece, etc... can see what the kids are up to. I usually only post kids' stuff anyway. Though last week when I was in DC I was posting me stuff and it allowed me to reconnect with some old friends who are stationed at Dover AFB and I hadn't realized that. So my thoughts on FB are that I'm doing it for me. I'm not going to change my behavior just to accommodate her or, again, try to artificially create something. I'm living my life. I don't know that the little window that FB gives into that life really does much as far as mystery goes.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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WHG,

I agree that it would not be a good thing to jerk the kids around. No need for it.

But, you persist in maximizing contact, and keeping the space between you as little as possible.

You, as a person, need your own space, you need to consciously choose your own boundaries here and enforce them. W pulling the 911 stunt was inexcusable. A voicemail, text, or email would have easily relayed the relevant info. Perhaps you should stop all voice calls for awhile so you can better manage yourself.

As for any weekends this summer, there's no reason to make up stuff. Simply say, "sorry, that doesn't work for me." As for her oversharing her dating life with you, simply ask her to stop: "W, really, please stop with the oversharing. It is really inappropriate. If you are introducing someone into S's life, then please let me know. But, if it doesn't concern the kids, I'm not your man."

Do you remember a few months ago when you were talking about being a strong leader? You need to be a strong leader in your own life. Right now, you are pushed this way and that, you bend this way and the other. You need your own form. Right now you are merely that which is left after W shapes you. Where are YOU??

"And, FWIW, I think it is insane to have W on your FB page. She is not your friend, not your lover, and effectively not your W. Why would you want that intrusion? (And it is BS if you say you don't think about what W will think about your posts.)"


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Was sick all day today, caught whatever bug S had last week. Had all the kids tonight which was fun. Granted I spent the weekend with SS, but missed SD terribly as I hadn't seen her for more than a few minutes in about a week. Missed my S too, but I'd seen him as recently as Friday.

S had his final wrestling practice tonight. His birthday is tomorrow. We are having some food, cake, and presents tomorrow night at W's house with her family and my family. I'm honestly not sure what to think. Part of me thinks this is more "together" than W and I should have right now. At the same time having mom and dad together for his birthday party is what my S wants and what his school counselor and my C recommend. I won't stay super-long though anyway as I have a board meeting to get to.

The handoff tonight went well. I was able to keep it much shorter than the past few. Simply shared some logistics about the kids, confirmed things for tomorrow's birthday stuff, and left. Maybe three minutes tops... as I went to the door I got "oh, you have to leave right away?" Yep... I don't believe she really wanted me to stay except that she wanted to be able to talk about some stuff that's bothering her and the day she had.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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@Oldtimer... just curious, above you said this,
Quote:
She is not your friend,
why isn't she my friend? and/or why can't she be?

Excluding DB concepts... and the need for mystery, etc... why can't someone's XW/XH be a friend? I'm not saying right now it's necessarily healthy to be friends, but what excludes that from happening?


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Posts: 330
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WHG, hope you don't take offense to the 2x4's I laid out in my previous posts.

A very wise person on this forum told me about creating mystery, and getting a life, even if I didn't have one at the beginning, to create that mystery, to foster it and soon enough.... it would be there. They were right. There is nothing artificial about making plans and following through.

I shut my open book up to my H, and managed to go dark, even with him here. I excluded him off my facebook, I began living my life as if he was my daughter's father, not my partner. I stopped responding to messages, unless it had something to do with our child and that is it. I created enough distance and mystery, without being unkind to him.

Now when he came to me and wanted to discuss our R, then I opened up. But if it was about anything else, I remained distant. I'm sorry, you want to pack up and leave me in the dust, but you want me to sit down and listen to how the cards did today? Nope.

I realize that what works for one person, won't work for another, or even feel right.

But what I've learned in saving my marriage is this.... that pulling back, creating distance, and not dancing to my H's tunes any more, is what actually brought him back.

It was not a game, not artificial.... because believe me his threats to vacate were on a near daily basis sometimes. I had to learn to move forward as if I were going to live without him and I did.

He has told me a few times, that it was my pulling back that scared him, and made him rethink his life without me.

I stopped being there for him on certain levels. I also stopped being his buddy.

I wish you the best in how this goes for you... and hope you did not take me the wrong way.

And I agree with Oldtimer, I'm sorry but no way would I allow my X on my facebook. No more open books for people who walk out. That information in my life is mine. If they want back in that circle, then maybe they can be included again.

Just a thought.

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Originally Posted By: workinghardguy
@Oldtimer... just curious, above you said this,
Quote:
She is not your friend,
why isn't she my friend? and/or why can't she be?

Excluding DB concepts... and the need for mystery, etc... why can't someone's XW/XH be a friend? I'm not saying right now it's necessarily healthy to be friends, but what excludes that from happening?


Why do you need her as a friend? And is she a friend?

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Think about how she treats her friends vs. how she treats you.

Friends do not consistently lie to each other about things that *are* the other person's business. Does she lie to her friends about her boyfriends? Does she manipulate them into babysitting so she can party?

Think about how you feel when you interact with your friends vs. how you feel when you interact with her.

Do you feel respected and cared about? Do your friends take an interest in your welfare?

Think about how you treat your friends?

Do you scoff at what they think is important in their lives? Do you judge and resent them? Do you look down at them?

She is not your friend. I have no idea if she can or will be. I will say that the "we'll always be friends" stuff that happens with separating and D people is generally just a stage of denial on one or both people's parts. Neither of you wanted a friend when you got together. But who knows...


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I am sorry Ctflr, I assumed, wrongly it appears, that you meant messing with scheduled times and dates you had already set up

absolutely do NOT be her beck and call boy

and

OT is right...she is not your friend

my friends don't treat me like a pile
and if they did
they would no longer be my friend

get her off your facebook

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