Tough day. Started off with coming across some information that leads me to believe W's been sleeping around with a number of different guys. No one OM... not even an R... just random sex or FWB type thing. I feel detached but it still hurt. Had random images pop up in my head all day and had to work to banish them to a far corner. Better now. Frankly if I was in her shoes I don't that I wouldn't do the same. Don't feel married, don't feel attached... haven't ML in months... yeah, I can see it.
Tonight it the last night SS and SD will "live" here. No school Friday so they are going to their dad's tomorrow night and spending the weekend there. Come Sunday they'll go to W's house. They'll still come over here but won't live here. That's been extremely hard. Just cried the whole way back from the city tonight. S caught me crying and told me he is sorry I'm sad. Then he asked if I could make him his "calendars".
When we broke the news to the kids I had made up a color-coded calendar with mom days and dad days on it so he had a visual reference. I told him when the time came I'd make a real one for him... and he's holding me to it So that just brought on more sorrow.
Got home and SS and SD got back from dinner with their dad. Got our new computer set up (using it now.. it's sweet!). Set up user accounts on it... one for me, one for SS, one for SD, one for S... guess W will have to use the "Guest" account. She doesn't live here any more.
Came time to put SD and S to bed. I went to sing to SD and she started crying really hard. She told me she doesn't want to move, she doesn't want to leave. She's going to miss me and miss her house. I just held her... I cried a little too I'll admit. I told her I loved her and always will. Things will change but I'll still be here. Then I just held her until she calmed down. I gave her a kiss goodnight and told her I loved her.
Went to my room and had a good cry after that. I'm going to miss them so much Afterwards went downstairs and helped SS prep for his first test for our youth group. He passed and was pretty proud of himself.
And W just got home. I'm sad she's moving but I'm glad too. Just seeing her now brings back all those mental images... and I just don't want that every day anymore.
I'll posit more after the weekend on where I feel things are at. Where things were and have come to. The good and the bad. I'm struggling to be honest. I don't want her back right now. But I'm quite sure much of that is just anger and pain talking.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
WHG - so sorry things are as tough as they are for you and the kids. But you know that you are doing the right thing by being there for them. In time, they will come to appreciate it and you for being an important part of their lives.
Your sadness made me think of the song from the musical Annie:
The sun'll come out Tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about Tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs, And the sorrow 'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day That's gray, And lonely, I just stick out my chin And Grin, And Say, Oh!
The sun'll come out Tomorrow So ya gotta hang on 'Til tomorrow Come what may Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're always A day A way!
Keep your chin up, WHG. The sun WILL come out tomorrow!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Head Up my friend I know where your at and where your going, take care of yourself and your kids, they will need it. I just found out my wife is having a EA today, nice huh!
Just sent SS and SD off to school for the last time. Feels like my heart just got ripped out of my chest. This is by far worse than the bomb day, OM Discovery day, or any of the others. Maybe only eclipsed by the day my Dad passed away. And it's far worse than I thought it would be. Not quite sure how I'll function today.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Feeling for you whg, I know its extremely tough right now.
I feel only time is going to help. When my w moved out and I had to take my kids to her house for the 1st time i thought my heart was going to explode and had thoughts that I wouldn't be able to do certain things with or for my kids again. (I realize your referring to your step-kids)
You may or may not be able to send them off to school again but you will have other and different opportunities with them. It's up to you to figure out and define what those things will be but you are a great person and I know you will find a way to stay in their lives however you are able.
Well... she's pretty much out. W is staying at her new house tonight. I don't suspect she'll spend another night here barring some reconciliation.
I feel lost. I feel relieved I guess, but lost too. I keep seeing headlights go by and expect them to be her pulling in. I know they're not, just programmed I guess.
I ended up seeing her and her friends tonight. I came home after my board meeting. I assumed she was done for the day but no... they came back to get another load. That was awkward but not terrible. I like the two friends who were with. We actually all talked and joked. S is at grandma's tonight so it's just me here alone tonight. That's pretty uncool on the first night... should've planned that better. At the same time at least there's no one here to see the tears.
Just suxx. I know good things have come of this process. I just wish we could've gotten there without this.
Tomorrow I take S to a hotel and waterpark for two days. That will be good. I need to get away from here for a bit.
It does feel more like my house now, even though there are still lots of boxes and stuff here. By Sunday that will be gone.
Guess it's time to turn in. I'm exhausted and not tired all at the same time. I wish her luck. I wish me luck too.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
It does get better. You may be surprised after the initial shock wears off at just how much better you feel. A lot of the tension will be gone and you can really work on you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Been reading your thread, and wanted to say my thoughts are with you WHG. You've been so strong... and you've handled this with such respect and strength..
So that just brought on more sorrow.
Afterwards went downstairs and helped SS prep for his first test for our youth group. He passed and was pretty proud of himself.