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Thanks Ten. I'm planning to focus on this is just another step in the process. This is a marathon and while I feel like I've already gone 25 miles the fact is I haven't even hit the first water table.

It won't be the last time she sees me. Heck, on Sunday I'll drop S off. On Tuesday I'll be over there once all the kids are done at my place and is bedtime. And then again on Wed and on Thu. But I need to be positive and happy. I need to embrace this new chapter and live it, not simply put life on hold.

And I do have a lot to be thankful for, even amidst this. In a given week I will,spend more time with my s than my w will and almost as much time with SS and SD as she will. That's not meant to be competitive... Just a demonstration of things. I know lots of guys in similar sitches don't get half of what I am getting.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Hey bro...


I think you need to go easy on yourself here. This is hard stuff.

That Friday morning, you hold your head up high, and you do what NEEDS to be done. Not necessarily what you WANT to do, rather what NEEDS to happen.

We , as the LBS, will never understand fully the "whys" of this. We may never understand how this affects our spouse either. Then again, that isn't part of OUR journey.

I remember that Friday morning too. I had tried to prepare myself for it, and be ready for it. In theory ? It all sounded good. In reality ? It never pans out the way we think it should.

What I had been told was to expect the unexpected as far as what I would feel , and how I would react. It could be far more than I had prepared for, and it could be far less than I had built it up as being.

The advice I got, was to treat this as everything I had learned DBing. To have zero expectations of how I would react. To live in that moment, to FEEL everything around me, and let those emotions wash over me fully, so I could deal with them then, and then release them.

I had words I needed to live up to. IF I really meant what I said, and my words were to really match my actions, then I was to love her enough to let her go.

I can tell you that these things rarely go as "planned". I can tell you that this doesn't mean the end of anything, unless you say it is.

Sometimes, this is the space that the WAS needs in order to think clearly. Sometimes this is what HAS to happen in order to move forward.

When you walk out the door that morning. Try to think about the possibility of what you can gain by this, rather than what is lost.

When you walk back in Sunday, take the time to FEEL every emotion that washes over you. Use that emotion to fuel your energy tank, for down the road.

Make sense ???

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Anyone want to take a stab at helping me interpret my W?

Ok.. I know, if I can't make sense of her no one else will... and really this post is just me venting a bit. I'm not truly seeking interpretation because ultimately it doesn't matter. She is what she is and will do what she does. But here is what has me... not upset, not angry... frustrated is maybe the right word.

Some quick background... My W and I inventoried most everything in the house and came to an agreement of the value of those items. Those things that are staying with the house I agreed I would "pay" her 50% of the agreed upon value. Example: five year old couch is $250 so she gets $125. I was pretty liberal with this approach and didn't demand half the value of things she was taking. Why? Eh... it might be $700 or $800 I'd get and not really worth it to me right now. Ok, so, since I don't have the actual cash I agreed to pay for things on my lines of credit which I will pay off in the coming months. Granted we're still married so these are her lines too, but that's a risk she has to take to make this work. Ok, with me so far? So I've been purchasing things she's identified. Why? because I didn't really want to give her my credit passwords or physical cards. I don't think she'd just run up a bill, but I'm not a complete sucker either. And these are lines in my name only... they are only joint because we are in a community property state. But if you run credit reports they only show up on my report.

Ok... so today I pick up a few things she identified. I emailed her to tell her it was done and to tell her some things had arrived. We agreed I'd let her know these things. Here is the email I get back:

"Wow…thanks! ... I appreciate the help immensely and can’t tell you how thankful I am that you are such a wonderful person! So again, thank you."

Really? I haven't done anything with her response. I don't know if I should ignore it, acknowledge it and move on or what. I'm such a wonderful person... aw shucks, thanks. Part of me is glad she said that and part of me really doesn't give much care. And another, darker, part of me says to file this in the "don't listen to most of what they say" because she's just trying to manipulate me by being nice. I hate seeing shadows where shadows may not exist.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
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"And another, darker, part of me says to file this in the "don't listen to most of what they say" because she's just trying to manipulate me by being nice."

Much ado about nothin! Ignore it!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Yeah... I started typing a response this afternoon and then deleted it. I don't know if I believe she's sincere. And if she is it changes nothing. It does reflect the interactions we've had of late... I think she remains surprised that I am as supportive of the move as I am. And while I really am not supportive of it, there isn't another option really. I could be mopey, sad, angry guy... but that's no fun for anyone including me and especially for the kids. I don't want the kids to fear or feel bad about the move and I can constantly see my S looking to me for cues on how to handle this whole thing. So hold my head up high and keep moving on.

There are fun moments though too... I told W to take the family computer with her. It's old and slow, but certainly good enough for the demands of elementary and middle school research and email. But now I need a desktop for home... so it meant time to go computer shopping. I'm pretty excited waiting for my new Dell beast of a machine to arrive in a couple days. And once the W is out I'm going to redo the game room into the arrangement I've always wanted. So there are some ups in all this.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Wh is it that some days the emotions just sneak up and overwhelm you? I've really been doing pretty good I think of late. Volunteered in S's class this morning and had breakfast with him at school. Stopped at a store to pick up a new suitcoat as my old one is way too big now. Stopped in housewares to look at cookware as I'll need new next week and just lost it. I just wish I could better understand the triggers. Was it spending time at school with S? Shopping alone? The last time I was at this store w and I were buying ourselves an anniversary gift? W's email yesterday? Having to drive past the rental house this morning and seeing her car out front? Maybe it's just all of it... Probably the most down I've been in a long, long time.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Hey WHG, I get it.

I've been S almost a year eek and haven't laid eyes on my H since Thanksgiving and I still expect to see his truck in its parking spot when I come home or if a drive by places of significance, I miss him. But, the pain is so much less at this point.

Hang in there, it does get better.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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It was a busy weekend. W had to work so I spent the weekend with the kids. It was "her weekend" but this is the last weekend before they move so I was fine with being with the kids, actually I was more than fine I was very happy.

SS is really enjoying the youth group, he's so excited and it really gives us a common ground which is great. I had to leave him at our most recent meeting so I could take a search team in the field (he's not experienced enough yet for the search team). I was worried he'd be turned off by being "stranded" with the other cadets, but just the opposite, he had a blast and is making new friends.

Yesterday I had the kids tag a long to a groundbreaking for a new apartment complex I'm developing. It was also a ribbon-cutting for the village's community kitchen. Great food for free and SD and S spent hours at the craft table. Kids had a blast.

W and I have been negotiating the disposition of lots of little stuff... that gets old but I suppose has to get done. For example her stepdad gave us half a cow for Christmas. That's a lot of meat and when you split houses you have to divvy that up. It suxx.

Everyone is feeling the pressure now. I am... S always asks me to give him a swedish massage after his tubby. Last night he wanted to give me one so I let him do his best smile It's crazy how tense I am right now. Kids are all over the map... they're surviving but it doesn't take much to spin them up. W has a hair trigger right now. The landlord hasn't done a list of things he said he would and she's furious. She's also running out of money and panicking.

I'm generally sad right now. It comes and goes, but it's never too far below the surface. This too shall pass. I want this week to hurry up and be over with... I want my house back and boxes not to be everywhere. And then I don't want any of this all at the same time.

S is very excited about the waterpark trip this weekend. SS and SD want to go too... I told them they are welcome but it their weekend with their dad so it's his call. Unfortunately since W filed for increasing his CS by 600% last Friday, and he'll get that news today or tomorrow, I don't think he's going to be big on doing anything nice. But I'm taking them with on Friday since there's no school and then can spend most of the day there with S and I... better than nothing.

Pretty sure it's going to be an emotional moment when I drop them off at their dad's on Friday. That'll be the last time they "live with me" unless something happens long down the road from now.

W admitted two nights ago that she's pretty scared and nervous. SS has told her he's not sure he's going to like this new arrangement. S is sad about missing his dog, and last night asked me to make up a story about a king and queen who get a divorce but the brave night saves them from the dragon, and then they all live happily ever after. Try to do that without tearing up, I dare you.

Most of this week I'm busy during the evenings which will be good. I really don't want to be around as W is stressing out and trying to pack.

On the upside my new computer should arrive tomorrow... my own Valentine's gift to myself.

Just trying to focus on the kids and what they need. I laughed yesterday because W sent me an email with some questions. In it she apologized if she has been rude or curt the past few days, she's just under a lot of stress right now. I wanted to email back that she's not really the only one... and maybe if she looked around she'd notice that everyone is hurting and stressed, but I didn't. I just answered the question.

I have started telling more people now. It's amazing the support I am getting. Granted these folks only see my side, but I try to relay that we both got here. But particularly it's the women who tell me my W is crazy. I tell them she is doing what she feels she needs to do... it's not my place to judge. That's partly what got us here.

On Saturday the kids and I were grocery shopping. I ran down an aisle and when I came back to the cart a woman was talking to the kids. I came up to the cart and it was my W's best friend. This friend has been helping her paint and clean the rental house. As soon as I realized who it was I felt weird... this friend has largely avoided me since the start of things. But she turned and saw me. She gave me a massive and long hug. Then she asked how I was doing and I said I was doing ok. Then she said she's sorry and wishes she knew what [my W] was thinking. I said thanks, but she's doing what she feels she has to. I guess that's become my line now. But I was pretty shocked to get that from her.

Running down the rabbit hole some more.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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No it wouldn't be for the right reasons... I know. She needs to do this. I need her to do this at this point. If she stopped now it would be out of fear or panic that she can't do it by herself, that she needs me to save her. That's part of why we're here. She's wanted/needed saving and I'm a rescuer.

I thought it was telling this morning when she was recounting a story to me. Last night she picked up a microwave from a friend. She was telling the friend about how hard this week will be, and how she's most fearful of XH's reaction to the child support issue. As she's recounting the story she says, "and I told [her friend] I'm really scared of [XH's] reaction. After making [me] pay for MY kids for the past six years I finally grew up and I am making him pay his fair share." The emphasis is hers and I thought the words were somewhat telling.

As far as the story... I didn't give him his story. I did have the brave knight [S's] name ride in (on his turtle) and save Queen Mommy from the dragon. But, it turns out, that Queen Mommy kind of liked the dragon's lair without the dragon so she decided to stay there with Princess SD and Prince SS. But the brave night still rode his turtle to Queen Mommy and King Daddy. And sometimes King Daddy visited the lair and sometimes Queen Mommy came to the castle. And that while they lived in two places they still were friends and still ruled their lands fairly and wisely. And most of all the people, and the brave knight, were happy. The End.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Posts: 982
Woke up this morning about 3:30 and couldn't fall back asleep... finally did around 4:15. Then had one of those incredibly realistic dreams where you wake up and swear whatever your dreamed happened and it takes a little bit to process that you're in bed and obviously it didn't. The dream was that W and I were in our kitchen. W comes up to me and says she's sorry for everything that's happening. That really this has been a test to see if I could change. That she likes the changes but still has to move out for her own good right now. Then she gives me a long hug and a kiss. S walks in and sees it and gets confused and we explain it all over again to him. I was pretty happy in my dream. And then I woke up.

I guess that's the payback for actually being able to fall back asleep and getting another two hours. Totally threw off my morning though.

However, W did come upstairs this morning and had an unusual conversation. W and I share a love of heart-shaped Gobstoppers. You can keep your round ones, but the heart shaped ones... they're where it's at! But finding them is near impossible. W mentioned that a friend told her they had some at a store about 30 minutes from us. Yesterday I was in that town for work and stopped in. I bought four bags. I got home and told her if she wanted two of the bags she was welcome to them. She was giddy. Then she went over to her girlfriend's house.

So this morning she comes upstairs and we're discussing the kids' schedule today. She tells me that her friend told her she needs to tell me that she is thankful for buying the candy and really, just for having me. That soon to be XH's don't do nice things like that nor do they treat their wives the way I am treating my W. They don't give them space, they don't simply let them leave without a fight, and they don't try to make it as vicious and nasty as possible.

So that's what my W came up to say. That if she hasn't said it, she is thankful. "I told [her friend] that while T and I may never be in love again he's probably always going to be my greatest friend."

Of course I really don't want to be her greatest friend... I'd like to her H someday again. And I don't know if I'm ok with simply being a great friend. At the same time I'm pretty sure the kids do better if we good friends than if we're "typical ex's".

Yesterday W got a call from her XH after he got his notice of the child support revision hearing. That's the example of the other way the ex relationship can go. Maybe that's what triggered this convo... I don't know.

I told her that I am her friend and consider her my friend, and that in the end I just want us to do what's right by the kids most of all. That I'm keeping my focus on them first and foremost.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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