WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Thanks everyone. I do realize she's not my friend I was just curious what the thoughts out there were. She is my acquaintance right now, and also the mother of my son. So that adds a layer to the acquaintance role.

I'm going to have to ponder the Facebook thing. As far as it being BS whether I think about her when I post or not... think what you want. But for months she never commented or responded to any post I made. I assumed she had me blocked, and perhaps she did. So I grew accustomed to simply living my life as I did. Then suddenly one day she started following and commenting on posts. I don't know what changed or why she started doing it. I can't remember if it was before or after the move either. However I pretty much only post stuff about my kids to Facebook. Other than when I was in DC I can't remember the last time I posted "me" stuff on there.

I think it's civility and being dark I'm struggling with finding the right balance between. Going dark seems to require some level of incivility, doesn't it?

I also think that I may have painted a darker picture of my W that's somewhat unfair to her. Some of OT's questions/comments made me realize this. Though in fairness to OT he only knows her through my comments and observations.

She has not manipulated me so she can go party. When she asks me to watch the kids she is honest about it. And when I say no she does get a little testy but accepts it. As far as her dating life, I also believe she's been honest so far. Friends who were at the music thing say the same thing she has said. Yes, some will say I'm being blind and stupid, but it's impossible to impart all the detail that goes into life in board posts so I won't even try.

She can be manipulative I realize that. Particularly when something in her life is going wrong she reaches out to me to vent and complain. The issue between her and her XH at court are a perfect example. I need to find a way to discern those moments from communication about the kids moments. More specifically I have to be better at stopping her from going down those roads while we're having a conversation about the kids.

Something else OT said... whether she shows me consideration... she does. Not a lot, but more than I expect quite frankly. She volunteered last weekend to come over and let the dog out while I was gone all weekend. Last week when I was dropping off the kids she asked if I was doing okay, and I believe she was honestly asking. She has been very adamant about paying for her half of any related cost where she wouldn't have to and could easily stick me with the bill.

No... she's not acting like my W. Yes, my friends are people who don't only call me when they need something or want to vent about something, and who take my calls when I need to vent or complain about something. At the same time I don't know that she wouldn't do that... I haven't tested that nor do I plan to.

So it brings me back to finding the point between dark and civility where they meet. Where I can live with myself and yet do the right thing... and I don't know that those two things are congruent quite frankly.

[workinghardguy]

Tonight was interesting... we had S's sixth birthday "party". It was W's night with our S so we had it at her house. We did a joint thing. Back to my civility vs. dark post above. I did a joint party because that's what my S wanted and that's what his counselor recommended. Is it the right DB strategy? Probably not. Or maybe it is... I don't know. I tried to walk a finer line tonight.

It did go fine. I did my best to not be around my W, thankfully her house is big enough for that. I prepared a dish for the event as did she and as did each family member. My mom and niece came, her family came as well. It was surprisingly unawkward during the whole thing. I just treated it like what it was... a party for my S and let that be the focus. I said hello to my in-laws and talked with them. Played with my W's niece and talked with family, both mine and hers. She did the same. We had potluck then cake and presents. S had a great time. I do have to admit it was nice not having "mom presents" and "dad presents". S had an absolute blast and that was really the goal after all.

I arrived 30 minutes before it started to help get things set up as we had agreed on. I did my best to work on stuff separate from my W. I then had to leave right after presents for a board meeting. I stopped by after my board meeting to pick up my stuff (my S had asked me to bring over the XBox and I had bowls and stuff there). I was surprised to see that she had packaged up some of the leftover food for me to take home. I had assumed she'd keep it all. I told her thank you for hosting and left.

[workinghardguy]

Oh I forgot to say... my goal now is to not have contact with her for the rest of the week/weekend. I can't foresee a reason to need it.

[workinghardguy]

So this morning after sleeping on it I logged into Facebook and figured out how to create a "custom" privacy option. I added my W to an exclusion list so now she won't see my updates unless I specifically choose to make an update "public" or "all friends". The default however will be the customized approach.

In reality this is the same level of exclusion W has had applied to me on Facebook for quite a while now. I see her comments on mutual friend's posts and whatnot, but nothing she posts. And so it will be for her. Seems fair to me... what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Not sure why it was so hard to do though, but it was. But now it's done and I won't undo it. Heck... I'll probably forget about it soon enough.

[figgeroni]

I would be far less concerned about what is the "DB" thing to do and more concerned with what is right for YOU and your son

take your wife out of the equation for now

what is best for you and your kiddos


go from there

[workinghardguy]

This is the crux of my quandry/confusion/angst/dilemma...

I view it as not only what is best for me and for my son, but also what is best for my SD and SS. BUT, I have no avenue to them other than through my W. Her XH certainly isn't going to play ball with me to give me access to them.

So I can cut her off completely except for logistical communication regarding our S. But then if I want access to SS and SD I have to make contact again. And now the only purpose for my contact with her is that. In essence I have become her... I only contact when I want something for myself.

Now... granted that's a bit of hyperbole I will admit. She contacts me when she wants something like an ear to listen or shoulder to cry on. Or when she wants someone to watch the kids while she goes out. I would be contacting her when I want to spend time with two kids who aren't technically mine because I love them, miss them, and want to still play a role in their lives. So yes... the motivations are different.

And yes... I've contemplated just giving up on having any access to SS and SD except the random stuff that may come about. It would make this so much easier. It would make it much cleaner and far less heartbreaking for me. It would get the heartbreak of losing them over all at once, instead of this weekly heartbreak I go through each time I see them and then have to say, "guess I'll see you next Tuesday" (when it's Tuesday that I'm talking to them).

But I can't bring myself to do it... I love those two kids too much. So I feel trapped that if I don't play ball to some degree I lose access to them. Though in her defense my W has never threatened that.

[workinghardguy]

Kind of down today.. not sure why. I actually feel like I'm sort of used to coming home to my house. I do like the independence and the quiet, but still miss my kids a ton. Had my S last night and tonight again, but miss SD and SS something fierce. I've been meaning to start writing them letters/postcards as someone on here suggested, maybe tonight I'll start that. Seems more constructive than wallowing in missing them.

Yesterday W emailed me while I was at work to say that, now that S's birthday is past, she'd like to refocus on getting the D filed. She wants to meet this week and finalize things. I emailed her back, not sure why. She emailed me back. Then I started to email her back and decided I didn't want or have to deal with that right now. She can wait. So those emails are still waiting.

She didn't like that I said I couldn't meet this week. Sorry, my schedule doesn't allow it and I don't owe you an explanation.

Thinking it's the D talk though that is eating at me. It really shouldn't... it's another step. Maybe some part of me hoped it wouldn't actually happen but the bigger part of me knows it will and has to.

Last night S was asking about the D, his brother and sister, and our family. I'm happy that he still refers to our family as all of us. But then in the course of conversation it occurred to him that someday W might remarry. He asked me, with horror in his voice, "Will I have a new daddy?" That was kind of hard. I told him no, I'll always be his daddy just as mom will always be his mommy. Even if mommy or I someday have someone else in our lives we will still be your mommy and daddy. "Oh... then I'll have a stepdad or a stepmom just like SS and SD do." Yes, just like that.

And as a bit of suggestion to folks... if you're feeling a bit down over your sitch, don't visit Kohl's (or any other department store) "home accent" section. I stopped by tonight to pick up some photo frames and decorations for S's room. Good gracious... the amount of "Love is the key to happiness" and assorted love, family, etc... photo frames and accent pieces is ridiculous. Certainly put me in a great mood.

[sayitaintso]

Sorry your feeling down WHG. D talk can definitely do that. I still get an instant pit in my stomach when my w mentions it.

Will your W allow you to take SD & SS out for dinner or somewhere w/ your S? Have you asked and would you hesitate to ask? Letters/Postcards are a great idea. Maybe if you see something they are interested in snap a picture and include it.

Do they use email or have cell phone u can text or have you agreed not to do these things?

I feel you about the love/family items. I think they may have always been there but now they have such a different meaning and we are more aware.

Be Well WHG!!

[workinghardguy]

I get to see them about once a week right now... SS a bit more because he belong to volunteer organization like I do. W doesn't keep them from me, we have good and open comms about that. It's just a scheduling thing really.

When W went after XH for more CS after she moved out of my house he came back with sharing the kids 50/50 instead of paying much, much more in support. Foolishly my W agreed to that instead of digging in a fighting him. Now she regrets that decision very much. When she told me about it I thought she was nuts, but kept my mouth shut. Not my place now. So now her XH has them two nights a week one week and five nights a week the next. Of the two weeknights my W has them I usually have them one night anyway because W works until late in the evening.

The last weekend my W had them I was out of town all weekend (with SS) and this next weekend it's the same thing (again though with SS). So it's just really that there's only so much time in a given week.

Down the road W is scheduled to go to mediation with XH. I'm fairly certain that's not going to bear any fruit so then they'll have to go the Guardian Ad Litem route. Once all of that is done I'm pretty confident that SS and SD will end up with W during the week and every other weekend. XH lives almost an hour away and every morning he is driving them in to town and dropping them off with my W. That suxx for the kids. Plus they have no real chance to be in sports, co-curriculars, clubs, etc... since they have to leave town by 4pm two to three nights a week to get to his house for supper, etc.. It's just stupid.

But I'm odd man out in this conversation so I have to wait and watch, and try to send them my love whenever I get the chance.

They don't have cell phones at their dad's but do at mom's. Then again 50% of the time when they're at mom's they're with me. SD doesn't use email yet since she's only 9.

Just frustrating.

[sayitaintso]

The logistics sound pretty frustrating and out of your control for now.

I've read your sitch from the beginning and know about xh and from what you've stated of past history I imagine that SD & SS will be w/ mom almost full time in the near future.

Perhaps then you will be able to spend more time with them.

I hate it when I don't see my kids for a day or two at a time and empathize with you, it SUC*S!!

Keep Plowing!!