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Midwest- Howe it going? I'm going to check if you've posted elsewhere but I think you're doing well practicing DB so far. -ex. No emotion when she talks of moving. Consider helping her start packing. Keep upbeat. Act as if she'll be back tomorrow.
Also, don't see this as the end of your marriage! Who knows maybe this is what she needs to do to come back?
My H moved out 7mos ago to live w his parents. I wasn't seriously DB until about 3-4mos ago. In April he's moving into an apt we own. I flipped when he first brought it up. Now Im very calm about it.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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Thanks for the note. My W is moving out on Thursday but I am remarkably at peace right now. Might not be so peaceful when I'm all alone this weekend. But I did regress a bit, with too much discussion the past few days about why we were where we are, examining things too much. Throughout though, I have remained calm. Moving out was, to me, simply seemed inevitable. My wife is stubborn and once she says something, she does it. I hope that I can best practice the principles of DB during this separation. My W has said he needs space. That's what I intend to give her. So where I look for advice now is from anyone who has thoughts on "DB best practices" during actual separations. My sincere thanks.

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Veroprado - just curious, your H moved out 7 months ago. How did you react to that? You mention you DB 3 or 4 months ago. What changes did you specifically make and what reactions were different? Did you flip in a happy or sad way when he decided to move into this apartment? Just want to see what effect DB had on this situation. Thanks.

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How about an update?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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this sounds alot like my WAW

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Hi again. My W moved out on Thursday. She took the day off work to deal with the movers, etc. She was very emotional the night before and the morning of. I remained very calm and unemotional. I hugged her goodbye and wished her well during this time of "space" (she asked for space and that's what I'm giving her). I have felt fine the past couple of days. Very calm. This morning, my W sent me a text message asking how I was and telling me she was thinking of me. I sent a polite reply but no more. I'm not sure where this goes from here. I intend to live my life this spring, spending plenty of time with friends and family, doing things that make me happy and fulfilled. As I said before, my wife has stated that she wants space and that's what she will get. I have no intention of initiating contact. (the first contact since the move was initiated by her). I am curious to hear from others who have experienced WAWs. What is their reasoning? My W swears there is nobody else and I believe her. I just am trying to figure out how she lost so much interest in this marriage to the point of moving out. Anyhow, my life goes on - I sincerely appreciate the feedback and support of this forum.

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Quote:
I am curious to hear from others who have experienced WAWs. What is their reasoning? My W swears there is nobody else and I believe her. I just am trying to figure out how she lost so much interest in this marriage to the point of moving out.


Well, can't speak on the behalf of a LBS, but I will take a shot at the WAW's reasoning.

The first thought is that she wants to be free of her stitch and available for new things, new people, dating, new life, etc. She's been unhappy with her life with you, and she wants to see if the grass is greener away from you.

But, let's pretend she has not already been looking at another man, and she's not moving out so she can be available. She could still have the grass is greener syndrome. If that's the case, she will need to experience life without you in order to discover the grass isn't greener....it's just a different kind, and it still has to be mowed! IMHO, women who leave based on this reasoning, should not have any help (emotionally, physically, etc.) from the LBH in any sense of speaking. An example would be....if she needs a plumber, don't call you. She can look the number up in the yellow pages.

I want to refer back to something you said:

Quote:
W talked a lot about how we had not been able to communicate honestly and openly, about real feelings and emotions; that our marriage was one on the surface free of real confrontation or connection.


Most females have the need to connect emotionally with their man. I'm wondering if she felt like the conversations and the MR was all just "surface" and she wanted you to get down deeper with her. She wanted emotional intimacy. When a woman has emotional intimacy with her H, then she feels real connection with him.

So, if your W did not feel connected with you emotionally or physically, it stands to reason that she was very unhappy. She lost interest in the MR b/c she felt it was shallow. If her H can't get down on a deeper level of conversation and emotional intimacy with her, then why would she be interested in a M with him? To her, it's like looking at a doll house with all the little pieces in place. It looks nice on the surface....but that's about it. She wants more.

Do you know what her love language is? It sounds as if you have not communicated through the language she needed.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi - you hit the nail on the head when you wondered if she felt like the conversations and the MR was all just "surface" and she wanted you to get down deeper with her. She said these things, and it's so evident that we lacked emotional intimacy. She also mentioned that she wanted to be in a marriage where she "wanted to actually have sex." (That line really hurt, BTW...)

Her love language was quality time, and I felt that I really went out of my way to arrange for things for us to do. I think during these moments of quality time, she wanted emotional intimacy to develop. Evidently, it did not. (For what it's worth, my love languages were words of affirmation and physical touch. I felt I got little of these languages).

So she has been gone since Thursday. She sent one text on Saturday morning asking how I was. I replied "well, how are you?" She replied that she was grateful her family was with her, and that she was thinking of me. That was the extent of the exchange.

I've spent time with my family and friends the past few days and have kept myself busy, but I drift back to thinking of her. I miss her, obviously. I'm saddened by all of this and I hope she comes back. But I'm pretty resolute that I will not initiate any contact with her. She needs to miss me, miss the marriage, find out the grass isn't necessarily greener being separated. I'm just afraid that she will love this new life and ask for a D. Or start seeing someone. But I can't think of that stuff. That said, it's so hard not to...

Knowing where this crumbled apart, what can be done, if anything, to make her actually want to take a shot at this again so we can develop an emotional intimacy? Easier said than done, I suppose, but I think I know how this fell apart. I just want to do what I can (or not do, as it may be) to repair this.

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Quote:
Knowing where this crumbled apart, what can be done, if anything, to make her actually want to take a shot at this again so we can develop an emotional intimacy?


Use this time apart to research the subject of emotional intimacy to make sure you understand the topic and will be better equipped if you get another chance. And, I do believe you'll get that chance!

Polish up and find that man you use to be, and I'll bet she'll find him too. She needs some time away from you. You need time to do all this homework I've just given you. wink


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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This week has really been tough, just thinking about all of this. I'm lucky to have a lot of good distractions right now. Family, friends, things to do, etc. My W and I have texted back and forth twice since she moved out last week. They were very brief, but in each of them, she wrote that she was thinking of me. In fact, her last text said "I'm thinking of you always."

I'm sure a lot of people on this forum that are dealing with a WAW (or H) alternate their feelings between sorrow and anger. The constant thoughts of "what did I do" ... to "how could they do that to me."

There have been so many conflicting thoughts in my head as to why a 180 may or may not work. On one hand, the lack of emotional intimacy or "connection," as she has said, suggests to me the need to be around my W (anti-180 behavior, essentially). But then the logical side of me steps up and reminds me that she stated that she desired space. And that she said she wishes she had a H she wanted to have sex with. And that she had fallen out of love with me. And that she had lost respect. (Those are the thoughts that make me angry - and that make me want to do all I can to do a proper 180). It is tough, but I've gotten through this first week and hope I can remain strong going forward.

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