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I am 31, my wife is 30. Together off and on for 8 years. Married for a little over 2. We've been in counseling for 6 months. My wife ha felt there is "no connection." I don't disagree. Sex life has been very poor. I always initiate. Wife told me last night he is thinking about moving out next month when the condo she owns will be vacant. Says she's doesn't respect me like she once did. She has always had the power balance in relationships and that's what she has here. She doesn't seem to like that. She feels that being in love makes one vulnerable and she doesn't like feeling vulnerable. She says I provide for her, show her love and affection but now she claims we have nothing in common. I love this woman with all my heart and would do anything to rekindle the old passion. We're in the same house for at least the next month. What can or should I do of I want to regain her respect and interest in making this work? She needs to want me again. That's what has to happen. What's a "180" in this this circumstance? Please help. Look forward to hearing your thoughts. I could use the support.

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It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Opps, I hit submit before I was ready.

Look here to read about newcomers:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2215930#Post2215930

Get a copy of Michele's book, Divorce Remedy so that you'll understand the principles.

Your posts will monitored at first, so don't get discouraged if they're slow to show up.

The more information about your situation you give, the better we might be able to help. There's great folks around here and you'll get support if you stick with us.

Do you know why your W stopped respecting you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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In terms of the respect issue, I just don't know, or perhaps am too blind to see. She says I am angry, lack the passion I once had and in general, am too controllable by her (the latter being something I observe). I have felt, at my worst, like a doormat. When we initially talked a few nights ago (when she told me he wanted to move out) I did the typical begging ("don't you want to work on this, what about our vows, how could you do this to me," etc, etc.). The next morning we spoke again and I was a little more emotional, at one point shedding tears. There are no kids involved here, so that's good. But I truly believe this is the partner God has chosen for me. I've done so much praying about this situation. I really think I need to try the 180 approach but need this community's advice on how to go about doing it.

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Why did you feel like a doormat?

Is she right about you being angry? If so, what causes the angry?

You need to deal with these issues she's complained about. Working on yourself and changing these things will be your starting place. It's not to get her to stay with you, but to become the man you need to be. No woman will want to be with an angry man who allows her to treat him disrespectfully and is passive in their R.

A woman has to respect a man before she can love him.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I just cannot figure out where, along the way, the respect was lost. I need advice on the 180. My natural tendency is to talk (a lot) and to make all of the moves in terms of starting conversation about these issues. I am also the one to try to initiate any physical contact. I think I have become predictable in my actions. Could this lead to the lack of respect? I am always the one trying to make everything right. Is the 180 advisable here and if so, what are the best ways to proceed?

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Midwest,

Think really hard about it, I'll bet there was a point in your relationship when you started to realize something was wrong. Like a time when you were with her and you thought something didn't feel right, or like it should. Like a time that should've been happy and just wasn't. Do you recall anything like that? If so, do you recall any big events prior to that that may have contributed to a change in attitudes for either of you? I'm not asking you all of this to dwell on the past, but I think it would help you potentially understand at least when the respect was lost. The when might help you figure out the why, because your personality was most likely always your personality, it probably just took a particualr event, or several events, to change the dynamic you had with her.

Do you have any specific examples of where you feel she does not show you respect? A particular fight or ongoing issue?


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Separated 12/09
Divorced 8/10
GREAT relationship
as coparents since 8/10
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I would think being predictable does not lead to disrespect. It could be old and monotonous.

Disrespect for a H usually comes about when he avoids conflict and becomes passive in his role as H and father. This is such a sexual turn-off for a woman.

My advice about you talking a lot (or too much) is to keep your mouth closed and listen to what she says.

DBing is not what "feels" right to you. It is doing the right work to get the right results.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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There are definitely times I can remember where I did not put my W's interests first. We have talked about these things an I have apologized profusely. She wanted to get married earlier than I did. That caused friction and resentment that I still feel she carries. I would like for us to wipe out our past and start fresh but I realize that may be impossible. We will always have to deal with the past. Based on some of the comments I have read, I tried not to keep bringing up the "moving out" conversation this past weekend. We had friends in town and I tried my best to keep ted weekend fun, light and enjoyable. The only thing I told her, regarding any of this, was "I just want you to know one thing: I accept you for who you are." she cried and told me that nobody had ever told her that before. She seemed genuinely moved by this. She has "father issues" - a very absent, critical, unsupportive father. He provided well for the family but was not there emotionally for the kids. I told her I accepted her for who she is and that I loved her for the person she was. Now where do I go from here? I'd like to keep things light, upbeat and honestly would love to do things together that we have enjoyed Doug in the past. I don't think I need to bring up the problems again and again and I think it would be so counterproductive to beg, plead, "woe is me." I just want fun, loving times to return to our marriage. What is the next logical step?

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I just purchased "Divorce Remedy." Cant wait to start reading it tonight and sure hope I can make positive changes over the next month that my wife can see. I am confident that this could bring us closer together in the future. Sure hope so.

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