Forgiveness

[figgeroni]

so if your son was there for her meeting the it was really you and her that the son didn't want together since he participated in a meeting with all the key players and his mom

if this is the case then it appears that son has a problem communicating with you

no matter how passive/aggressively your obnoxious ex is putting it

maybe couples counseling with your son to learn how to communicate with him better?


It may have been to conveniently place blame on you or it may honestly be because he feels he can't be open and honest with you for whatever reason

be open to that possibility

offer a solution in going to therapy

"son..I was really looking forward to being able to tell you how much I love you and having you hear all the great things I think you are capable of. I feel like we have lost our ability to communicate and I know I need some help to do that better with you. I would like you to go to see xxx with me to help us learn to talk to each other again."

[antlers]

so if your son was there for her meeting then it was really you and her that the son didn't want together since he participated in a meeting with all the key players and his mom I think it's certainly possible. I also think it's possible that she didn't want to either.

if this is the case then it appears that son has a problem communicating with you Hard for me to imagine since we've lived together for over two years...but I won't discount that. It's certainly possible.

no matter how passive/aggressively your obnoxious ex is putting it She still has lots of anger and resentment.

maybe couples counseling with your son to learn how to communicate with him better? He sees a counselor now, and he refuses to talk to her. He just sits there. She said she has NEVER had a kid so completely unwilling to communicate.


It may have been to conveniently place blame on you or it may honestly be because he feels he can't be open and honest with you for whatever reason Either of those, or both of them, are certainly possible. Then again, it may be something else.

be open to that possibility I'm open to a lot of possibilities.

offer a solution in going to therapy It took nearly 3 years to get him to see the counselor he's seeing now. Counseling has been discouraged by his mother ever since all of this began over 3 years ago.

"son..I was really looking forward to being able to tell you how much I love you and having you hear all the great things I think you are capable of. I feel like we have lost our ability to communicate and I know I need some help to do that better with you. I would like you to go to see xxx with me to help us learn to talk to each other again." I like it. I'll probably modify it and send it to him later on today. Thank you.

[2thepoint]

"He sees a counselor now, and he refuses to talk to her. He just sits there. She said she has NEVER had a kid so completely unwilling to communicate."

A therapist friend of mine told me a story about a kid she was seeing who like your son, never said a word. Every week for 10 weeks that kid would come to her office and she would say hello and he would just star at her, never uttering a word.

Then one day, he says "can I ask you a question". Shocked, my friend says of course, anything. The kid then asks "are your eyebrows real?"

My friend busts out laughing and it was then that they were finally able to communicate.

This is a true story!!

[25yearsmlc]

Love that story 2t,

Antlers what happened to just backing off? Why all the machinations to control the results?

I mean, your son does not want to talk w/you right now and that seems clear.

I don't have a problem w/Figg's suggestion for a note to son, but just wonder what you're really achieving.

Get the info from the school and do what you can, get their help too, but

maybe stop trying to fix things with your family. They need professional help they are not getting,

and TIME.

THey do not believe you are a different man yet. Some of the machinations may support their perspective. Food for thought.

[antlers]

Antlers what happened to just backing off? Why all the machinations to control the results? I am backed off. I'm not asking him to come home, I'm not demanding that he come home, I'm just sending him an occasional text to let him know that I love him and am thinking about him. That's all. I'm not trying to control anything. He's getting into so much trouble at school that the school asked for a meeting with ALL of us, for his benefit...and it didn't go down the way the school had planned. That's all.

I mean, your son does not want to talk w/you right now and that seems clear. Crystal clear. He doesn't want to talk to his counselor either...she said that she's NEVER seen a child who absolutley refused to talk to the degree that he has, especially after all of their meetings. She's a LCSW.

I don't have a problem w/Figg's suggestion for a note to son, but just wonder what you're really achieving. My communication with him just lets him know what I mentioned earlier.

Get the info from the school and do what you can, get their help too, but
maybe stop trying to fix things with your family. They need professional help they are not getting,
and TIME. My relationship with my youngest daughter is going good. We communicate regularly and we see each other regularly. Relationship with son disintegrated after he lived with me exclusively for 2 and 1/2 years. Oldest daughter still ignores me.

THey do not believe you are a different man yet. Some of the machinations may support their perspective. Food for thought. What machinations? I have only done what the school asked of me. My youngest daughter knows how I am, and so does my son. Like I said...he's lived with me exclusively for 2 and 1/2 years. Oldest daughter and EX feel the way they do. I understand that.

[figgeroni]

25...

My concern is with the behaviors and school
obviously something is amiss and it can't go unchecked

someone needs to take control

not everyone can be son's friend in this scenerio

he is plummeting

someone needs to step up and be a parent

and if it makes everything he is being controling...who gves a flying f*ck

someone needs to try to save son from himself

working in the schools, I see far to many parents unwilling to be the parent because they want to be liked the best

sometimes it doesn't matter if they like you
it matters if they turn out to be a worthwhile productive citizen

they can like you later

they have plenty of friends their age

you are not their friend

you are their parent

[antlers]

I went long again today...rode 106.3 miles on my bicycle. I've been enjoying the heck outa these long a$$ rides. I'm finding some solace out there.
Plus those endorphins are marinating my grey matter. Endorphins rock.

[antlers]

figgeroni...all the things you said in your last post are correct. It's a bad situation.

I haven't heard a word from her since my last message to her on the 17th (which I posted here).

Two days ago while I was at work, I received the following message from the Vice Principal of my son's school...

"antlers:
Son has earned a 3 day suspension due to his getting up and leaving a classroom without permission and not attending or being tardy to 9th hour.  He is now on Step 6 which results in a suspension.  Normally he would be suspended for 5 to 10 days since he has been suspended earlier in the year, but he has not been suspended lately and therefore I will make it just 3 days this time.  His behavior has been increasingly more defiant.

Son will be able to return to school on Thursday, March 1, 2012.

Thank you for your cooperation,
Vice Principal"

[antlers]

I also received this from the Counselor that comes out to the school every week to see him.....

"I spoke to Vice Principal recently and she mentioned son had been leaving his classes.  She and school counselor also continue to express a lot of concern for son. He is failing at least two classes right now (I don’t remember which ones, but I know they were core classes).  I saw son yesterday at school and he continues to be very resistant, and will not talk.  He will barely mumble one word responses.

I hope you and Caleb’s mom consider seeking some psych testing for him.  I believe he is severely depressed and wonder if something more might be going on, which  I think the testing will shed some more light on.   I hope Son's mother is starting to see how he is suffering at school and how it is imperative more extensive testing/evaluations be done.  I even wonder if he may benefit from some sort of residential treatment such as Cedar Ridge or St. Anthony’s. 
 
Feel free to call me to discuss this further,
 
Counselor"

[SunFunOne]

Antlers: Copy this letter immediately to ex (and lawyers) if you have not already done so.

Barb