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#2223226 - 02/18/12 05:05 PM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/11
Posts: 755
here's the flip side.. i am extremely careful with what i say because i've learned over the years that once something is said.. it can not be taken back. so in my M, i would often remain silent.. choosing to ponder and word things in my head before actually saying it.

i think what happens there is that you begin to surpress a lot of issues (thinking it's not a big deal when in fact it is) and then the silent resentment and mistrust just builds.

so there you go..

and now i'm trying to learn to communicate better where i voice my needs in a loving, non judgemental way.. in a way where the other person is free to say no (my H often said yes went he meant no and then resented me) and i don't feel rejected.

very hard lessons.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2223248 - 02/18/12 07:50 PM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8711
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Great insights by everyone. I found that How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It was helpful in helping me see how I used shame and blame A LOT in my interactions with H.

Thank you all for being vulnerable here and sharing those things we find difficult within us.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2223249 - 02/18/12 07:51 PM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
[quote=barely floating]here's the flip side.. i am extremely careful with what i say because i've learned over the years that once something is said.. it can not be taken back. so in my M, i would often remain silent.. choosing to ponder and word things in my head before actually saying it.

i think what happens there is that you begin to surpress a lot of issues (thinking it's not a big deal when in fact it is) and then the silent resentment and mistrust just builds.

so there you go..

and now i'm trying to learn to communicate better where i voice my needs in a loving, non judgemental way.. in a way where the other person is free to say no (my H often said yes went he meant no and then resented me) and i don't feel rejected.

Barely...i was like you in that i didnt face things that were harmful...supressed and buried...but resentment and bitterness grew

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#2223351 - 02/19/12 03:58 AM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: rickb89]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Grumpy, saw that you were headed to P-cola soon... sorry I missed ya!! Have fun with all the Mardi Gras shenanigans in Mobile:) The cops and the crazies are out in full force!
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2223371 - 02/19/12 06:20 AM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: purgatory]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/15/11
Posts: 834
Originally Posted By: purgatory
When I was angry- I would just rattle off whatever came to mind, with no filter or thoughts of what my words would make him feel. It would take a while for me to get back in control and it was almost like my brain had to re-engage... And by then, the damage was done. I would apologize, he accepted and I would move on- as if it never happened. I never internalized what it felt like for him to be on the receiving end of my venom. It was years of this pattern that took its toll on H.


I can relate to labug's statement: "a position he couldn't retreat from". Once I realized what I had done, I was embarrassed and ashamed- so my solution was to ignore it (probably a pride thing) and just move on.... Turns out my H needed me to be vulnerable enough to admit my shame and be genuine in my apology. A tough lesson to learn, that I will never have to learn again.


Bingo... This was me EXACTLY. Unfortunately, the damage I did and my H's hurt is now too much to overcome. He sees his part in letting himself be treated like that and has vowed never to let it happen again. So he will never look back or trust me.

So I am applying my hard-learned lessions to all my R's, not just with H.

Anger is just too damaging to oneself and everyone around you.
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D6
D5
S2.5
Together: 21 years, M: 16 years
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Separation - 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12




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#2223611 - 02/20/12 07:11 PM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: keep_going]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Monkster - hope you have a helluva time in Pcola. A trip for pleasure I hope!

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#2223764 - 02/21/12 03:35 AM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: rickb89]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
friggin awesome time... must rest now, till tomorrow.
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2223770 - 02/21/12 03:46 AM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Fun? in P-cola?? where do you find that?? lol

I remember when Seville Quarter was *the*place to go... and it was fun when I was 19!

Rest up for tomorrow!!
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

Top
#2223830 - 02/21/12 01:42 PM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: purgatory]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8711
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Mnky is on the loose!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2223857 - 02/21/12 02:54 PM Re: Wife in "D - freight train mode" Pt.2 [Re: keep_going]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
Bingo... This was me EXACTLY. Unfortunately, the damage I did and my H's hurt is now too much to overcome. He sees his part in letting himself be treated like that and has vowed never to let it happen again. So he will never look back or trust me.

So I am applying my hard-learned lessions to all my R's, not just with H.

Anger is just too damaging to oneself and everyone around you.

So true. When I think about this it really hurts because I wish she could see how dedicated I am to my permanent changes. Can’t go back and change anything.

With my travels this weekend I met lots of new people in P’cola, Mobile, and New Orleans during Mardi Gras festivities. The attentions and affections of female friends was great. It was GAL taken to the extreme! One thing I noticed last night was that I miss my wife a bit less every day. Not sure what this means. I know I want reconciliation, however, I’m learning that life will indeed go on and I am happier now than I have been in many years. So will this be the week I ask her to sign the papers? I’m very close to this…but I still want to wait a bit longer. I no longer feel like the “Sword of Damocles” is hanging over my head. This is nice! Hmm…what to do? I can honestly say that I am at an impasse on this.
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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