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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
I concur with Mr. Bond. A professional psychologist chose to say at announce to your brother at a family dinner he is depressed and should go on meds and suck it up and make it work???? My reaction probably would have been a lot worse than his. He even apologized. Wow.

Maybe I worded this wrong. The argument was about my brother in law. It was between my brother and my wife. My brother in law, sister and their kids were not there. It was a concern brought up by my brother to my mother. So it was the 4 of us talking which then my brother started with my W regarding my brother in law. She was recommending what my brother in law needed to do go speak to someone and go on medications. Now my brother in law at the time was also not sleeping and having panic attacks. (which I just rememebered) So in defense she was offering her best recommendations.

Do what makes you happy in your career. You obviously cannot work with your family anymore. So, do what you need to do for you. Go for that Aetna job! I just had my final interview with Traveller's insurance. Those large insurance companies provide a beautiful benefits package. Are you getting that now at your parents? You need to think of your future now.
No I am not receiving any benefits from being with my family except making more then I would at Aetna. But for my self esteem and mental health it would be more beneficial for me to leave.

These are your choices now, make your self accountable for you happiness and decisions.


I saw my therapist last night and told him what is going on. Just the updates and he even said I need to think what is more beneficial to me right now. Stay and be able to pay down debt by making more money, or go to a new job meet new people, challenges and better myself.


M37 W34
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Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
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Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Hey Witz

I salute you for hanging in there even with the knowledge that there is indeed OM. I could not and would not do that - btw I don not see my stance on that as a good thing.

The dating thing. I did that too. Man, it was awesome to see all the emails and "winks" I was getting. I even went on a date. Guess what? It svcked!It svcked because we are not ready yet I promise you. Mine lasted twenty minutes before I excused myself, apologized, and went home. My date took it pretty hard too. Don't do it. If you really think you must, be TOTALLY forthcoming and tell this person what is going on in your life before you actually meet her in person. Devil's Advocate for a second_ if you do this and you still hit it off as friends, maybe that's what you need to let your W go. However, as long as you still carry the fire for your W, do not get involved with OW. I did and it was counter productive and set me back emotionally.


Thank you for the insight I will definitely rethink this. I am the type of person to be honest and upfront with someone I would meet. Just how I am.


M37 W34
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Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
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Last night I was talking with my mom and how upset she is with my sisters marriage and my marriage. My mother keeps coming back to in her day you worked things out. Her and my father never went out separately. However my dad had card nights and she had ma jong nights once a week.
She is upset cause my sister is miserable and how dare he just walk out on his job. He has a wife and 2 kids. Now all he does is sit at home. He won't talk with anyone and he is not looking for work. He is behind in his tech knowledge and I think this scares him.
Then we got on my wife and how I always treated her like a queen and I raised my kids and was always there for my kids being more of the mother cause they were with me. I told her she was right. I explained to her again what went wrong and how I got depressed and instead of wanting to be with my wife I would watch tv. Didn't matter to my mom. She said you still stay together. In her day you got over being depressed you worked it out. We tried and I fell back into the same rut. I said that I thanked my W for doing this. I needed this slap in the face/kick in the ass to better myself. I like myself better now then who I was when this started. At that time I thought of my kids as a nuisance and couldn't wait for my W to come in and take care of them. Now I am a better father again.

Another thing my mom brought up was that we were married and should have one joint bank account not hers, mine and ours. This is something that I have read about and is suggested. This way I can go buy something if I have the money and not feel guilty vice versa for my W.
My mother thinks everyone was happy in the 70's 80's and 90's. There was not as much cheating or unhappy marriages. Well there weren't that you know of is what I told her. Now with tech its much easier.

She doesn't see how different it is to be married these days. She also thinks we are all over thinking everything. Couples counseling and going to therapy is what is doing this to marriage. Again all her opinion and she fights whatever I say.


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Originally Posted By: witz10
Last night I was talking with my mom and how upset she is with my sisters marriage and my marriage.

you can gently tell her you are not inviting comment on your m...



My mother keeps coming back to in her day you worked things out. Her and my father never went out separately. However my dad had card nights and she had ma jong nights once a week.
She is upset cause my sister is miserable and how dare he just walk out on his job. He has a wife and 2 kids. Now all he does is sit at home. He won't talk with anyone and he is not looking for work. He is behind in his tech knowledge and I think this scares him.
Then we got on my wife and how I always treated her like a queen and I raised my kids and was always there for my kids being more of the mother cause they were with me. I told her she was right. I explained to her again what went wrong and how I got depressed and instead of wanting to be with my wife I would watch tv.

Didn't matter to my mom. ---. I said that I thanked my W for doing this. I needed this slap in the face/kick in the ass to better myself. I like myself better now then who I was when this started. At that time I thought of my kids as a nuisance and couldn't wait for my W to come in and take care of them. Now I am a better father again.

see any contradictions in the marital history you gave your mom?


Another thing my mom brought up was that we were married and should have one joint bank account not hers, mine and ours. This is something that I have read about and is suggested. This way I can go buy something if I have the money and not feel guilty vice versa for my W.


it's a personal choice couples make today. Women work on their own outside the home a lot more often now than in her day...not really any of her business how you run yours....seriously. But I wouldn't tell her that, just saying let it roll off your back. Or each get a separate credit card if you want.



My mother thinks everyone was happy in the 70's 80's and 90's. There was not as much cheating or unhappy marriages. Well there weren't that you know of is what I told her. Now with tech its much easier.


Not sure what "with tec it's much easier" means...

but my parents had a terrible marriage for most of their 44 years...and resolved some issues when my father realized quite suddenly he only has short time left to live. MANY of my friends' marriages from that time were lousy.


She doesn't see how different it is to be married these days. She also thinks we are all over thinking everything. Couples counseling and going to therapy is what is doing this to marriage. Again all her opinion and she fights whatever I say.


our expectations of marriage have evolved. Some of us probably do expect too much and many of us overthink. Others are a lot happier than they would have been if they had not dug so deeply.

But She has a point. Keep it simple.

Mean your vows & keep them.

There, that's the secret solution.


M: 57 H: 60
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My family strikes again. Wow they are good. All of a sudden today my brother calls me into his office and asks me how much my car payment is each month and that all of a sudden the office will cover it. I rolled my eyes and walked out. I am so furious with my brother and mother right now. Why now and not years ago when my W and I were having money problems and paying for everything on our own plus my pay cut. Nope it takes my w to say she wants a separation for me to finally get on payroll and get a bump in pay. I still remember my W laughing when I told her that. Pretty much the same face I made today I would think.
Families answer to everything throw money at it make it go away and all will be better.
I guess by them paying for my car I can save more and pay down my debt. Or is this there tactic of keeping me from leaving.
Just kills me if they put there hand in there pocket years ago would I even be in this mess.
I want to tell my W this but know I shouldn't. Just aggravated and wish we never moved back here from California.


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Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: witz10
Last night I was talking with my mom and how upset she is with my sisters marriage and my marriage.

you can gently tell her you are not inviting comment on your m...
Usually my mom doesn't ask or comment at all about it. She stays out. This was a different night because her bday was the next day and my father is not here. She feels helpless for her two kids.


My mother keeps coming back to in her day you worked things out. Her and my father never went out separately. However my dad had card nights and she had ma jong nights once a week.
She is upset cause my sister is miserable and how dare he just walk out on his job. He has a wife and 2 kids. Now all he does is sit at home. He won't talk with anyone and he is not looking for work. He is behind in his tech knowledge and I think this scares him.
Then we got on my wife and how I always treated her like a queen and I raised my kids and was always there for my kids being more of the mother cause they were with me. I told her she was right. I explained to her again what went wrong and how I got depressed and instead of wanting to be with my wife I would watch tv.

Didn't matter to my mom. ---. I said that I thanked my W for doing this. I needed this slap in the face/kick in the ass to better myself. I like myself better now then who I was when this started. At that time I thought of my kids as a nuisance and couldn't wait for my W to come in and take care of them. Now I am a better father again.

see any contradictions in the marital history you gave your mom?
Yea I enjoy my children and the time I spend with them.

Another thing my mom brought up was that we were married and should have one joint bank account not hers, mine and ours. This is something that I have read about and is suggested. This way I can go buy something if I have the money and not feel guilty vice versa for my W.


it's a personal choice couples make today. Women work on their own outside the home a lot more often now than in her day...not really any of her business how you run yours....seriously. But I wouldn't tell her that, just saying let it roll off your back. Or each get a separate credit card if you want.



My mother thinks everyone was happy in the 70's 80's and 90's. There was not as much cheating or unhappy marriages. Well there weren't that you know of is what I told her. Now with tech its much easier.


Not sure what "with tec it's much easier" means...
By the tech I mean technology makes it easier to catch someone cheating at times. Or makes it easier to cheat.

but my parents had a terrible marriage for most of their 44 years...and resolved some issues when my father realized quite suddenly he only has short time left to live. MANY of my friends' marriages from that time were lousy.


She doesn't see how different it is to be married these days. She also thinks we are all over thinking everything. Couples counseling and going to therapy is what is doing this to marriage. Again all her opinion and she fights whatever I say.


our expectations of marriage have evolved. Some of us probably do expect too much and many of us overthink. Others are a lot happier than they would have been if they had not dug so deeply.

But She has a point. Keep it simple.

Mean your vows & keep them.

There, that's the secret solution.

Basically it is the kiss method. Keep it simple stupid and marriage would be fine.


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IMHO, You sound pretty ungrateful. Your family offered to pay for your car, you should be happy. So what if they didn't do it earlier? It's not like you made a big fuss about it before.

I don't know if you notice it or not, but you're making your W seem like a saint and your family is the enemy. Hate to tell you this, but your W is gone and your family is still there trying to help you. Forget about the past, this is what's going on right now. In fact, if you were really that unhappy in your sitch with your family, you would have done something about it rather than letting your W nag you about it.

Even if it was to get some professional C about how to deal with family issues, you would have done something about it if it really bothered you. Your family seems to be doing these things for you with the best intentions. You are just "perceiving" them to be negative.

"Families answer to everything throw money at it make it go away and all will be better. "

Not true. They are probably doing that because they don't know what else to do. Why don't you actually THANK them and say "I really appreciate it, but I think I have a handle on things." A little humility makes everyone happy. And your mom won't have to stress so much.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
IMHO, You sound pretty ungrateful. Your family offered to pay for your car, you should be happy. So what if they didn't do it earlier? It's not like you made a big fuss about it before.
Oh don't get me wrong Mr. Bond, if I don't take the job with Aetna I will take the assistance from my family. It was just the timing like everything. My family always tries to fix the problem by throwing money at it. Even at times when the money is not there.

I don't know if you notice it or not, but you're making your W seem like a saint and your family is the enemy. Hate to tell you this, but your W is gone and your family is still there trying to help you. Forget about the past, this is what's going on right now. In fact, if you were really that unhappy in your sitch with your family, you would have done something about it rather than letting your W nag you about it.
My family at this time feels guilty and they have told me this for my situation. There have been times in the past that we have done really well and somehow my brother has screwed it up. The company is a mortgage company we fought back after the Sh!t hit the fan. One of the banks we sold loans too required us to have a type of insurance policy. We were doing well. One of the heads of the bank was at a conventionand met the insurance company that we were "supposed" to have the policy with. They never heard of us and the following Monday we were cut off. Because my brother decided not to do the policy. He thought he could cut some corners. We almost shut down then as well.

Even if it was to get some professional C about how to deal with family issues, you would have done something about it if it really bothered you. Your family seems to be doing these things for you with the best intentions. You are just "perceiving" them to be negative.
Its funny I love my family don't get me wrong., BUT it sometimes feels like the outsiders who come in are not treated as wel at times. My mpother has talked about my brother in law behind my sisters back and I am sure she has bad mouthed my W in the past. Its awkward.

"Families answer to everything throw money at it make it go away and all will be better. "

Not true. They are probably doing that because they don't know what else to do. Why don't you actually THANK them and say "I really appreciate it, but I think I have a handle on things." A little humility makes everyone happy. And your mom won't have to stress so much.
I have turned money down in the past and it gets forced upon me. They asked me for my bday what did I want. I told them nothing I ended up with a playstation 3. It sat on the floor for about 3 weeks then I watched netflix on it fto pass the time. It still sits its a $400 paper weight. Unless my kids are here and they play Cars 2.
If I had my own place and another job I would not see them as much and maybe feel better about them. Right now I dislike my family. I know they want me to be happy and if they could talk some sense into my W they would. But right now I am not at the point that I want to be around them. Its from working everyday with them hearing the arguments in the office and fighting during the holidays between my brother and sister. If my sister says the suns out my brother says no there are clouds in the sky. Its a sad way to be right now and I know if my father was alive he would not have any of it.

Is my wife a Saint. No but at the time this was all going down I had her on a pedastal. Which she always asked about. I told her your my wife you married me and gave me kids I have to have you up on a pedastal. Now not so much. But I still want to reconcile to see if this can be worked out and improved upon. I am a different person more head strong and more aggressive. In my past I never fought back against anyting I just took it. When playing sports in my neighborhood I would play goalie in street hockey. If my friends started yelling at me caue I let in a goal and I didn;t want to deal with it I would take the pads off and walk home. I should have argued then and yelled at my team. Nope just turned and walked away. I no longer walk away.


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"I have turned money down in the past and it gets forced upon me."

Nothing gets "forced" upon another person. If you don't want the money, tell them 'thank you' anyway and put it in savings for your kids. You're given something positively, but CHOOSE to see it negatively. Get it?

"I told them nothing I ended up with a playstation 3. It sat on the floor for about 3 weeks then I watched netflix on it fto pass the time. It still sits its a $400 paper weight."

It's a birthday gift. Sheesh. They have a right to give you something on your birthday. I think you still have depression issues.

"If I had my own place and another job I would not see them as much and maybe feel better about them."

Nope. You CHOOSE the way you feel. Take responsibility for it. Let me put it to you this way...you CHOOSE to treat the W nicely even though she treats you like crap. But here is your family who has given you money and gifts and you CHOOSE to put them down. Sounds pretty backwards to me.

"Its from working everyday with them hearing the arguments in the office and fighting during the holidays between my brother and sister. If my sister says the suns out my brother says no there are clouds in the sky. Its a sad way to be right now and I know if my father was alive he would not have any of it. "

You can't control your family any more than you can your W. But you can choose how you react. If the issue is between your sister and your brother, why would you let it bother you? And if you really didn't like the environment, you could have found a job anywhere. A job at McDonalds would have been better than the 'hell' that you keep claiming your family put you through. But you didn't do it. It has nothing to do with "putting up" with anything, it has to do with your own choices. YOu made the choice to work there, don't blame your siblings for how you "believed" they "made" you feel.

"I am a different person more head strong and more aggressive. "

There's a difference between being headstrong and being stubborn. A difference between being aggressive and a douche. Neither of which are attractive. Instead I would suggest that you CHOOSE to be confident in yourself. You don't need to be aggressive. All you need to be is confident in the decisions that YOU make in our life. Even if a decision is bad, you take it as a learning experience and not as a waste of time.

You're not that little kid anymore. Do you want your son to act the way you do now? Have your kids disrespect you when you want to give them a birthday gift? Model the way you want your kids to be.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
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Chaos, yet harmony.
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I have turned money down in the past and it gets forced upon me."

Nothing gets "forced" upon another person. If you don't want the money, tell them 'thank you' anyway and put it in savings for your kids. You're given something positively, but CHOOSE to see it negatively. Get it? Yes I have had time to think about this and will see what happens with my interview tomorrow. However I have looked over the numbers of my possible salary and I lose money if I leave my families business. Would it be better for me Yes mentally. Monetarily no. I think I will be sticking around to take the money and pay down debts and save.

"I told them nothing I ended up with a playstation 3. It sat on the floor for about 3 weeks then I watched netflix on it fto pass the time. It still sits its a $400 paper weight."

It's a birthday gift. Sheesh. They have a right to give you something on your birthday. I think you still have depression issues.
The issue I had with this was the price. At the time the money was not there for my family to do. I would have been fine with some movies or something smaller. The issue I had was them not listening to my wishes.

"If I had my own place and another job I would not see them as much and maybe feel better about them."

Nope. You CHOOSE the way you feel. Take responsibility for it. Let me put it to you this way...you CHOOSE to treat the W nicely even though she treats you like crap. But here is your family who has given you money and gifts and you CHOOSE to put them down. Sounds pretty backwards to me.

Things have changed still hard to be with my family at times but its getting better. My W is also treating me a lot better.

"Its from working everyday with them hearing the arguments in the office and fighting during the holidays between my brother and sister. If my sister says the suns out my brother says no there are clouds in the sky. Its a sad way to be right now and I know if my father was alive he would not have any of it. "

You can't control your family any more than you can your W. But you can choose how you react. If the issue is between your sister and your brother, why would you let it bother you? And if you really didn't like the environment, you could have found a job anywhere. A job at McDonalds would have been better than the 'hell' that you keep claiming your family put you through. But you didn't do it. It has nothing to do with "putting up" with anything, it has to do with your own choices. YOu made the choice to work there, don't blame your siblings for how you "believed" they "made" you feel.

"I am a different person more head strong and more aggressive. "

There's a difference between being headstrong and being stubborn. A difference between being aggressive and a douche. Neither of which are attractive. Instead I would suggest that you CHOOSE to be confident in yourself. You don't need to be aggressive. All you need to be is confident in the decisions that YOU make in our life. Even if a decision is bad, you take it as a learning experience and not as a waste of time.

You're not that little kid anymore. Do you want your son to act the way you do now? Have your kids disrespect you when you want to give them a birthday gift? Model the way you want your kids to be.


All valid points and things for me to work on and change. Thank you Mr Bond.


M37 W34
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Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
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