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rickb89 Offline OP
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I plan to somehow feel better by the end of this thread!

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You were getting way to much action on that other thread...:)


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I'm telling ya..


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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working yet Rick?

((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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rickb89 Offline OP
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Ha ha 25!

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So let me ask you something Einstein....

How the F, do you have two part 2 threads, and jump to a part 4 thread ?????


Maybe that is why you aren't feeling any better yet ???


jus sayin

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Its an ongoing saga. He knows there will be a four so why not just get it started. I'm starting part 7 today!


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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LMAO....

I guess so....

You doin okay Rick ???

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He's hoppin' around the board spreading rose petals and sunshine!

That's our rickb89!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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rickb89 Offline OP
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Hey Mach and Monkey man. I do have a thread part 3! At least it shows that way on my posts. Odd.

I have been giving a lot of thought to how I have been seeing, reacting and acting in this sitch for the past year. I recognize (and it took a long time to do this) that I have given my total focus to my W and her sitch, not really focusing at all on the fact that I am on a huge journey in this too.

I have been agonzing over what is selfish and feeling like anything I did that was purely for my benefit or my growth(not for her) is selfish. Also, I took full responsibilty for my W's sitch and really needed to realize that this is her crisis, her journey, and I have no right to try and control it or will her to find her answers.

I realize that I have not really let her go, have, in a way that is harmful, taken total responsibilty for the environment she is in throughout this sitch. I honestly feel like I have devalued myself and knowingly given my self away.

I have created this environment for her that I think allows her to have this safe warm open road back to us and see that it has certainly helped in some ways. That may be necessary to keep the door open for a reconciliation someday.

I can't know how she will go through this, nor predict any outcome. Anything could happen.

I do see this though. I do not have a W anymore, nor a lover, partner or even a friend. I may have done the loving thing for her by offering support and a healing environment. There's providing loving support, then there's allowing yourself to be trampled on. I think I am allowing it and rationalizing it as unconditional love. I have to recognize that loving myself is not selfish. I look at my track record throughout this M and see that I sold myself out. Had I overcome the affects of my childhood sitch earlier I would have never put up with the things I did with her, regardless of her source for these issues. It also would have been better for her and our M if I had the growth I needed in this area. FWIW, it took this sitch for me to see that I have value too, not just in being a provider and coach of others.

Do I have a W or partner? No. What I am living with can best be described as a teenage daughter. She's got her room, her safe home, spending money, time, freedom. She's acting like a spoiled little girl. If she has everything she wants she can be fine, even civil and friendly, but if anything challenges her or is in any way uncomfortable in her current state of mind she runs, lashes out, defends, blames, etc.

She's got to grow up and I'm not doing her any favors by being the benevolent sugar daddy. My self esteem is shot. She does things, and I go along with it that other people see and say, man how can you live with that? I put everybody in their place at one time when they were sticking their nose too much in our M. I do see, given some time with this, that I am really actually being used, maybe not consciously by her, but used nonethelss.

First I had to get beyond the absolute trainwreck of the bomg going off, then I needed to see what was going on with her. Then I needed to put the pieces back together so that my kids and my W had a open road home for healing. Okay, I did that. Now, I need to see what my journey and god path is in this, and I need to learn the lesson that's been staring me in the face my entire life.

For me, for my W, and esp for my kids I need to handle this differently. I've got two kids in college, one about to enter high school this fall. I have an obligation to remember my value as an individual and that if I give up my value for her I am doing no one any good. For our family I cannot enable my W to stay in this stage. I am doing that and I see the effect it has on my kids. They look at their Mom and are seeing a spoiled teenage girl who is being handed a lifestyle of opportunity for her, no consequences. They see her hanging out with OM's and blowing me and the family off. They see me rescuing her from drunken bar nights, taking on all the burdens. They see that they can't have meaningful connection to her. I have made it clear to them that their Mom is really in a deep crisis and that she needs love and support and they get that, and do that too, but its so draining to everybody.

Look, I love her, my boys love her. She's in a dark place and I'm not helping this not loving myself.

I have to take steps. God helps those that helps themselves. Right now this sitch is open ended. She has told me she is keeping an open mind about us and is afraid that she might be making a mistake. I can't see us getting to a better place by enabling this sitch as it is. I have no idea of where or what my W might end up as. I have decided that I am moving forward with a new mindset. I am looking at everything in terms of how I can rebuild my life, be happy and fulfilled, fulfill my mission on earth, be a more self realized person in a relationship.

I'm going to handle my interactions differently with her too. I will still be friendly, supportive and loving. I will not pamper her anymore, make excuses for bad behavior, not try to exert my will over her path or her recovery, not accept her actions that are demeaning to me as her husband. I will not give her verbal reassurances that I love her, that she has unlimited time to figure herself out. She has to see the consequences of her actions too, just like I have been. I have a date set in my mind. At that time I will see what's what. If I see any progress in my M then maybe I'll stay with her, but if not I'm moving on.

Okay, so here it is. I'm putting my very soul in god's hands. Frankly, I'm scared shitless but here I go.

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