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#2229155 - 03/09/12 04:08 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: labug]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
D said she was afraid to tell me because I might not care or because I might do something destructive to DtM's family. Or face.

D15 has absolutely no reason to lie or exaggerate. If anything, she is playing it down.

Predator. UGH. ;lasdf;ljj22#%#$534 Why is that word in my life? Why did I trust this person? That's what he is. When we were in highschool, I used to hate the way he would lead girls on and treat them like crap, like toys, or to make him feel powerful. Was he a predator even then?

Yes, W repressed her feelings because of me. She said the resentment led her to feeling she wanted to be away from me.

D15 thinks families should stay together and she sees so much pain come from failed families. What is wrong with all of us? I used to be offended by some of the notions of the "Promise Keeper" types, but we really need more organizations advocating and educating to keep marriages strong. As a society, I'd like to see us talking more about preventing divorce than preventing gay marriage.

I told D that if DtM is that sick, he has decades of his life to prey on someone else and it's not her job to save his marriage.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2229156 - 03/09/12 04:18 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying
I told D that if DtM is that sick, he has decades of his life to prey on someone else and it's not her job to save his marriage.


AT - This is a key point. Even if you all can put this behind you, does this leave open the opportunity for someone else to be hurt?

I had a situation at work one time where I was presented with evidence of a guy at work being FAR LESS than professional (and we'll just leave it at that). After conducting a few interviews I had found out that several ladies had been impacted by his actions. No one spoke up. Each one said that they addressed it and it never happened to them again. No one thought about it happening to others and others being impacted.

The only time I really enjoyed firing someone....

You all have to make the best decision for you but something to think about.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2229157 - 03/09/12 04:18 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
There's a lot more stuff going on than can be handle by an online message board.

Are you all in family counseling?

Support your W and D, forget that piece of crap you called a friend. This is a defining moment in your life as a father and a husband.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2229234 - 03/09/12 08:19 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: labug]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
There is counseling. D15 has a counselor. D15 and I share C#2 to work on our issues (she was really rejecting me as a parent for a while.), C#2 also sees S6 at times, I have C#3 for myself, though I bring W in sometimes. C#4 was our marriage counselor, but now W sees her on her own as an IC. D15 and I also both have psychiatrists.

W is seeing C#3 this evening after I bring D15 home from C#1. I wish I could say something to W to express how I wish I had supported her better. Or that I would do it differently now. It feels like a can of worms. Emotional worms. I don't know what I can say to her.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2229242 - 03/09/12 08:52 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
Rick1963 Online
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2544
Loc: Piney Land
Hi Always. In most states a C is mandated to report on just suspicion of abuse to their state child welfare agency. Has this happened? If he did something inappropriate to your D, he will do it to others. I know it is not a comfortable thing to do but something to discuss in C. The way I see it is that if he did not care about the well being of a 15 year old child you should not feel bad to inform the authorities. He needs to feel the consequences. Very sorry about this.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2229314 - 03/10/12 02:03 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: Rick1963]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
I agree with you Rick. I feel that D should talk to her therapist about this and she hasn't up until now because she has been afraid of the consequences to Dead's son and wife and step-kids.

This is so frustrating. I can't believe how close I was to this person and I didn't see this. Honestly, I was a little worried about D15 coming on to him and making things hard for everyone. I didn't see this.

So, yes, if D tells her C, C will have to report and an investigation will start and Dead and his wife will be interviewed, as will D15. He didn't do anything illegal, so he won't see jail time or anything like that. That is why my W says she hasn't pushed for anything - because nothing will happen except for disrupting his home.

I'm hoping to have some conversations with W so she can convince me that doing nothing is the right thing. Really, it's up to D15. She needs to be able to talk about this with her C, though. She should not be bottling this up.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2229320 - 03/10/12 02:24 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
Rick1963 Online
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2544
Loc: Piney Land
Don't blame yourself research shows that this kind of crime is mostly committed by those close to us ie family clergy friends. I would not wait for D to say something. If I were you I would tell your own C. Ask him if he is going to report it. I'm sorry this is very hard but u will be glad you did later on. Tell the C that this is mandatory and he could lose his license if he does not, according to your state laws. Many c don't report because they are afraid too. So don't give in.

Leave D alone. Don't force her to talk about it. If your W minimizes it or thinks nothing of it leave it alone it is normal. Think of it this way. She is her mom and she is thinking that she failed to protect her. She probably feels like he'll.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2229707 - 03/12/12 03:50 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: Rick1963]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
I did end up having that conversation with W Saturday and suggested that we talk to Laurie together to figure out what we can be doing differently to make her more comfortable. She said she still doesn't want to, and I didn't press.

Somehow, she ended up telling me that she didn't think there was anything that could be done, yadda yadda. I think if she's in a place where she doesn't feel she's getting enough space with our current arrangement, but she's unwilling to talk to someone to see how we can improve it... that she's afraid of something? Afraid she'll have to do something she doesn't want, or accept responsibility she doesn't want, or something? Fear that maybe if I know how to make her feel better, it might be harder to resist me? Fear that she'd have to tell me she has other plans for her future and doesn't want to be distracted by any potential improvement in our relationship.

I don't know. It means something. And I don't want to mind-read. W went to bed before I left the house on Saturday because I was hanging out late with D15. After D15 went to bed, I was sitting alone in my living room and finding it really hard to leave. I sat there for about an hour and a half. I want my home back.

I ended up writing W a letter. I've successfully avoided sending any email for two weeks and kept contact low in general, and kept things cool in face-to-face talk. I have a sense that writing her a letter is not what I'm supposed to be doing, because I'm past LRT time. She filed months ago, but has agreed to put things on hold while we try this separation out.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2229715 - 03/12/12 04:14 AM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
This is the letter I wrote to her Saturday night. Should I have not said any of this? Do I need to stop trying to communicate?

Quote:
It is so hard to leave. Every time. I don't think you can appreciate.

I know it feels like... I guess I don't know. It's not right for you. It's not time for your to believe.

I believe. I do. I feel that we will one day be able to do this. I have to try. I can find strong enough reasons to do this work.

I admit I don't understand why you're not able, at least not yet. But I accept it.

But still, I hope and await some kind of help.

I hope that some day you will see that allowing someone like Laurie facilitate some conversations is a way for you to get exactly what you need.

I don't know why you seem to be afraid.

When you're ready, I just want to make our lives better, whatever the outcome.

I want to know what to do next. Father. Husband. Friend. I believe in these things. I believe in a future.

Honestly, I know I've caused you pain. I understand if you don't want to risk eroding the walls and distance between us.

I understand that this is about you and how you feel and what you believe is best for you.


I'm going to call to schedule an appointment with the DB coach tomorrow. I have two months left on our temporary cease fire, and I need to make them count.

And... I need her to say to me at some point in those two months that she is willing to start seeing someone to help us resolve conflicts and ease tensions. I want to know that if I'm not coming home, there is a good reason for it. Some progress is being made.

After two months, I can probably give us more time and put off the divorce by staying put. Maybe. Coming home will probably force her hand to get the divorce rolling again.

I want my life back.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2229900 - 03/12/12 08:03 PM Re: (NA) Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Sometimes my mind races in circles, "If only I knew what to do about my M?!?!?!"

On good days, this just doesn't happen. It's anxiety and panic over something I can not control. Realizing my former best friend intended to molest my daughter (and did in some ways) has really sent me into a spiral.

Sunday, I really just wanted to spend the day in bed. But, I get to see my kids at church and sometimes afterward, so I pulled myself together and had a great day with my son.

But I'm still reeling over this revelation. My head hurts a lot.

So, it's not a change in my M that is driving my thoughts, but the wheel doesn't stop spinning and it keeps trying to find a way out. I'm miserable. I want to be home. I want my friend and partner back. I want to be with my kids. What is the shortcut? How do I end this now? Do I give up? Should I start planning for D? Do I buckle down and assume I'll be at this for a year or more?

I shouldn't be letting what my W said get to me. She is going to say there is no way for us to ever repair our M until she is willing to admit out loud that there is. She doesn't trust what she sees in me, but she is making room in our lives to see if she can feel differently. Eventually. I have to be thankful for that.

And forget about it. Focus on what I can control.

And when I get control of myself, it's obvious that there is plenty I can be doing in the GAL/180 department that would make a difference. When I ask myself, "What do I really need to change?", am I really asking myself what is the easiest thing I can change to make a difference? What is the least effort I can put up and still succeed? I have to admit that I only have so much to give. I can't do everything.

And yet, I need to find the strength and the energy to do more. I can't wait for W to say "I need to see X". I just have to be the best me I can be and not get caught up in the soul-sucking pain of this separation/possible(probable?)divorce.

Here is what I have going pretty successfully on in the GAL/180 department:
- Daily meditation to get past my anxiety and distractability, and be a happier, more lively, more productive person for the rest of my life.
- Always trying hard to listen with an open mind and validate and really be present without defensiveness.
- Working out most days and keeping an eye on my weight. (this is for me, not my W. I'm already thinner than my wife would like, I think.)
- Having the energy and drive to keep the house in good shape (W and I both used to fail at this. We both put a lot more effort into it after the separation.)

But I know I need to do some other stuff. I want to:
- Start being early for things instead of being late.
- Finally do all those things on my todo list that I let slide (pay a fine, go to the DMV, buy a part, fix something, call someone about that thing, etc, etc)

Probably more. I have to think about this later. I'm going to go meditate.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
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