Dear Nblost I have been married twice. In both marriages i was cheated on. In the first marriage, which was a total of 5yrs,(affair was 4yrs into m) my h told me he would not give up the OW so I kicked him out. We had a 1 yo son. He moved in with OW for awhile I think and then with his parents. Later the affair ended and I gave him a chance to work towards the marriage. For starters, to get a job. He had a poor work history and lied about things. Well he lied to me and said he was going to school and even wore a lab coat over to my house and gave me a big story about school which turned out to be false. This was over the course of about a year. By then I was done. In the second marriage which is my current one (23yrs) my husband is going thru a MLC. He insists he is not seeing OW now. If I was to find out that he was, I would have him leave. I would NOT introduce my children to her. But you know what? My husband did introduce 2 of my children to her at her old historic church where she is on the parish counsel (what a great gal!) She also happens to be a coworker and H said he this was before he had the affair. Also introduced me at a christmas party which he said was before the affair. I think your counselor is spot on. Your H must leave.
I am dealing with an MLC who had an affair and still lives in the house. I was thinking the same thing about crumbs. As far as his time and attention, thats what I am getting. My bomb came in Feb. So I am going to give it more time, but I so feel this way about the whole cake!
So good to hear from you - my thoughts often turn to you and your situation and my heart aches. I'm very glad your counselor spoke to your husband of the harm in having your children meet this other woman: what a piece of work she is. Not only is she damaging her own kids by pushing them to meet your husband, but she would intentionally do harm to them in wanting to meet them so soon.
But I sit back and think (this is my opinion only) that a part of the difficulties you and your husband experienced in your marriage was due to his frequent and extended absence from home. Will this change in the future if and when he decides to go ahead with this OW? I doubt it. He will continue to travel and this OW will then experience what you have to put-up with over the years - being a single parent: and I highly doubt she will enjoy it as she has been use to his undivided attention and presence.
Not only will she be looking after her own 3 children (I am surmising the husband will not have full-time custody [though for their well being he should]) but may also be looking after your three children at the same time. In future you children could be visiting with them, your WH goes away on business, and she is now watching after 6 children. The bloom is certainly off the rose.
She will very likely blow-up at him for 'leaving' her to fend for herself, and their 'now perfect relationship', will be come as mundane and everyday as the rest of us: mortgage payments; bills; day-to-day living. This scenario was not what they expected when they began their illicit relationship one year ago.
I hope for you and your children that the forcing of your WH husband from your home causes him to have a reality check and realize what he is losing-out-on. I'm also very certain your daughters will not look on him quite so kindly when they realize that he has abandoned not only you, but them. He will face hostility from them and be forced to realize his 'pipe dream' of a perfect ending is nothing more than a bunch of hooey.
At that point you will be in a better position to decide the outcome of this situation. It seems right now, that he is making all the decisions. It is time he has a very rude wake-up call.
I continue to wish you all the best and keep you in my prayers. Continue to enjoy the time you spend with your male friend and work on making yourself happy.
Thanks Rogerio, I think H's life will come crashing down around him at some point. I feel like I need a huge break from relationship drama and he's got to be feeling a lot of it. He's trying to bridge directly from me to her thinking there won't be any problems.
The super annoying thing about my H's OW is that she's got a lot of money (from her father being a CEO of a large company and her husband's family founding a company you've all heard of). She is staying in the multimillion dollar house she lived in with her H. So, she has help with her kids and I'm sure would get help if my kids are ever there. H is also now full-time employed in her city...so he'll travel less for work...but he'll still need to come back here to see the kids (because I'm not going to move and make life easy for him)
H got his own place! His lease starts July 10. I am so happy that's finally happening. Our counselor thought that was a huge reality that had to happen.
I see my male friend tomorrow...I think it's been a month. Honestly, I'm spending most of my time with a few great girlfriends. Nothing serious for now and I have seen a couple guys at church that might be intersting to date at some point. But, I know I need some time to breathe and get stable again before I go into a new relationship.
The kids and I also got a new dog! She's been great and a good stress reliever. H actually really likes her too.
So, I have periods of sadness, fear, rejection and loneliness...but I'm surviving. I just try to keep focusing on myself and knowing that I have to experience the pain to get to the other side.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. When I come to the boards, I always check to see if you've updated. I am always inspired by your strength under incredibly difficult circumstances.
There's no doubt in my mind that eventually your husband's fantasy world will come crashing down. I don't care how wealthy his ow is; money doesn't buy happiness. But that will be his problem and not yours to deal with, so just keep enjoying your own life and the time with your precious children. They are too young to understand what is going on now, but you are setting a fine example for them.
The tough times are to be expected, but it sounds like you are getting through them with a healthy perspective. Once you get to the other side, I have all the confidence in the world that AMAZING things will be in store for you!
H has been gone two weeks and won't be back until Sunday. On Sunday, his new place is available and he is going to start moving. He talked to the kids about it and they are excited. I was thinking it'd be a conversation we'd have with them together, but oh well. His new place sounds fun (of course...everything with him is) and I think he'll have them pick out some new furniture, etc.
I'm assuming he didn't talk to them about divorce.
I'm trying to stay strong. Tomorrow, I'll take the kids to a 4th of July event and then out to our lake house. We'll likely be alone to hang out and watch fireworks. We'll just stay a night and then come home. I need to go to a meeting/work on Friday. The 4th is hard because I feel like we've always done something fun as a family...this is the first year I'm alone with the kids.
H continues to feel so selfish to me and in his own world. I am just choosing to let it go. We have barely talked since we went to the counseling appointment.
I'm continuing to try to make plans with friends and work out. I think the new church I started going to is really a blessing. Some women from there invited me out on Sunday to hang out...one of the women is going through a divorce right now too and seems like a potential friend.
Any way, I guess life is quiet but pretty good. I really need to keep remembering how blessed I am.
Happy 4th everyone!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Your H has been around so little, I think that if you emphasize how little things are going to change from their current situation, the kids will deal ok with it.
They may struggle some once the novelty of going to dad's new place wears off, but really - how much will their lives change? He's already been "gone" for so long.
All you can do is be strong, let them see that you can cope and they can count on you, and that you can still have fun adventures as a family even without their dad there.
The kids spent their first night with H last night at his new place. The oldest was with me until about 10:00 pm and I dropped her off. He has a lot of work to do to make his new place a "home"...but making him do it himself. He texted this morning that the kids were having fun...he lives near the ocean so they'd caught a crab and were having breakfast at a restaurant.
I feel good taking this next step. I think I should have forced it sooner...but maybe this route has allowed the kids to adjust better. Hard to know. I think I'll enjoy having the house and some time to myself (recognizing that I doubt H will really be here that often)
H texted me last night after I dropped off the oldest to say "I appreciate you". That was nice.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I think its impressive how you are handling this situation. It takes real strength and courage to move on with your life. I hope your rough times are few and your happy times continue to increase. It sounds like you will be able to adjust to your new life.
____________________________________ Me: 42 WW: 46 Married: 14y D-Day: 5/18/2012 D 12, S 8 Status: In my room, but A Continues
Can't you take charge and tell the kids yourself that you're getting divorced? I know you've said you're an avoider and that will be hard but your H won't tell them because he isn't interested in divorce. He wants you and that piece of junk he's involved with.
You will do whatever you're going to do but I think pitch darkness i.e. uttermost blackness is in order, like Dr. Harley's Plan B. Lovingly tell him there will be no contact of any kind at all until/unless his antics end, then back it up.
Take the legal measures to get it all done, have all of his stuff moved, set up an intermediary for all communication relating to the kids, change phone numbers and email addresses then go dark and silent. Uttermost darkness.
His secret, 2nd life in the other city made this diaster possible. If there's hope for you this would need to stop, permanently.
My heart really does go out to you.
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
