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Originally Posted By: tpc1977

If you've read all this and can help me, I do have something on my mind about this current situation.

If she is seeing someone else, or at least talking to someone else, would she still want to be close to me and as affectionate as she is sometimes? I mean, sometimes she wants me real close and touching and kissing. Sometimes she asks me to lay my head on her lap while we watch TV. Sometimes she wants me to just hang out with her while she's working on one of her projects. I always comply and never make it negative in anyway. But I wonder if it's because she's really needing me because of love or because of guilt.


Could be guilt. Could be she's conflicted, and still trying to keep both "plates" spinning on both sticks, unsure as to which of you she wants. Could be she's cake-eating. Could be she broke up with OM, and is slowly warming to you. Could be she's playing you. Could be a LOT of things, which is why I'm so pro-intel, as I'd much rather fly on good instruments than thru the fog, blindly.

As you can tell, I'm not big on the whole "ostrich" approach. Sure, it reduces conflict, but at what cost if your gut is still churning all the time, because you're assuming the worst anyway?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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That's why I need to either find out the total truth or keep it as it is and stop the internal noises.

She seems genuine with me though. That's the problem. With how I read into things it doesn't seem that I would think her affection was genuine. But then again, I could totally be blinded by it because it's what I want.

I'll give it some time and see if I can shut down the voices of doubt. In the meantime I'm working on bettering me.


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I'm confused, tpc. How does this:


Originally Posted By: tpc1977


But! I try to show only positive attitudes towards everything she does. I'm trying to show that I want her to have her space and be a person outside of our marriage. Today she is going to visit family. Did I wonder? Hell yeah. This isn't a person she usually visits. This is the second time going there. But I will let her and not question. She can do what she wants and I will not put a leash on her at all. I will be upbeat and tell her she needs to get out more.



jibe with this:


Originally Posted By: tpc1977
That's why I need to either find out the total truth or keep it as it is and stop the internal noises.



confused


Those seem to contradict each other. Either you need to find out one way or another (because continued infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, and/or because the suspicion is making you crazy), or you don't. I don't get it?

Reasonable people around here disagree on strategy and tactics, but I'm just trying to understand YOURS.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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If I start snooping it will mess up what I've built. Either I'm going to do that or stay on the course I've taken.


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Found out again: 06/22/12
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I'm not advocating "snooping" (it's anti-DB). I'm just trying to understand your goals. Hypothetically, if what you call "snooping" turned up that your wife was NOT in contact with OM, and WAS being genuine with you . . . how would that make you feel?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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It would make me feel pretty good. Maybe it's not my style. I dunno.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
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Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
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It's been almost a year and a half. Still being in "a state of confusion," or a stance of "I dunno" seems kinda "just-newly-bombed" to me, tpc. WHATEVER strategy you want to use, all I'm saying is, HAVE THE COURAGE OF YOUR CONVICTIONS, and JUST DO IT. You should be feeling much more certain of your APPROACH after this length of time, even if the RESULTS aren't always there (and of course, we never have any guarantee that they WILL be).


Just something to think about. Not a criticism, but an observation.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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