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#2232847 - 03/23/12 04:44 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4994
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: tpc1977


Plus, I think she's going through one of her spells or something. She's become distant and moody. Or uncaring. Could she be in contact with OM? I don't know. Maybe. I don't chase her down to find out. I tell her where I stand on it and that's all I can do. She's a liar though. A big one. She'll hide things and lie to cover her tracks. Usually I can tell. I'm in limbo right now - not know what's going on. Just that she's distance herself from me.

The ups and downs and stress (and not showing my stress) is really getting the best of me. I feel it all the time. Suppressing it makes it worse sometimes. Being in a constant mode of cheerfulness is a struggle. What does she want? What should I do? Where should I turn?

I want to be settled and comfortable for a moment so I can recover from this battle-ridden fatigue. She's in control of our situation and she knows it. She can manipulate the path we're on. I need to get off this path and be me. I'm tired.


tpc,

You cannot control her moods, and it's not your job to cheer her up. You are still WAY too focused on HER, and not on your own life, your own goals, what makes YOU happy and fulfilled. I realize -- we all do -- that "a happy, faithful marriage, with my wife" is likely one of your BIGGEST goals, but it cannot be at the sacrifice of all the others. That's not happiness; that's co-dependency, and it's not healthy or good.

Leave your wife's career goals to your wife, and set out on an aggressive improvement plan for YOURSELF. Your mode with her should be "How can I help?" and to listen and to validate -- nothing more. She will let you know what, if anything, she needs from you.

What I'm recommending carries the double benefit of making YOU happier/healthier, and also BUILDS ATTRACTION.

I know you already know all this, but I hope maybe it helps to have an outside perspective.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2232853 - 03/23/12 05:02 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
It does. And that's what I kept trying to tell myself this morning. I guess sometimes it all flies back into my face when I fear that I'm losing her.

I write a lot - almost everyday. I journal and try to focus on what I need to do to be happy. And as much as I see it, I usually go back to what I can do to help her. Sheesh. I do need to separate my happiness from what she's feeling at the time.

Thank you
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2233343 - 03/26/12 03:04 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
How do I work on anxiety related to trust?

I'm constantly seeing things through tinted glasses now. Just about every instance where my wife is doing something unusual I question whether or not it's because of the OM. Some days it's better than others, but lately it's been pretty bad.

Last night we were outside doing yard work and she went in to do something and get us some water. When it took longer than I thought it should I automatically figured she was texting or talking to him.

Today she said she was staying home to get some things done, again, I thought it was to talk to him.

How do I stop letting this get to me negatively? I mean, I know these thoughts will creep in, but I need help to not let them control me - and ultimately unnerve me.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2234150 - 03/29/12 01:48 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Tell me if this is a wrong approach:

I've been doing a lot of self-evaluation. I realize I can come off as needy, clingy, paranoid. These attributes would never work in the dating scene. Why would I think they would work in making my wife want me more than anything else?

If I'm weak, she senses it. If I'm not attractive in every aspect of my life she will not pursue. I need to be on top of everything in this. I need to be alpha - of sorts. It's my choice to be confident or not, attractive or not, strong, decisive, funny, calm, soft-spoken, etc.

In becoming all these things it becomes her loss. I should become such that I think, is she even worthy of me? Look at everything I have to offer. It's my power and I won't give it to her - or no one for that matter.

No longer will I let paranoia control my thoughts. No longer will I let anxiety rule my actions. She will do what she wants to do and if it's lie and cheat then that's her choice. If I'm not in "Game On" mode then she has no reason to do otherwise. I have to want it so bad it hurts. It's my goal to make her need me, not the other way around. I have to be everything she would hate to lose.

But by being needy, clingy, soft, she really has no need to change or pursue me. I'm there in her face. And when she sees me she sees a weakling.

No longer.

I'm stepping back and starting over. Worry, doubt, fear, paranoia will be weakened by starvation. When I feel these emotions creep in I will do everything in my power to starve them. I will not feed them any longer. Today I am going to walk a little taller, sit up straighter, shoulders pulled back, chest out, with a slight smile, be a little funnier, speak a little softer, be more conscious of my surrounding, be a people person, a guy others are drawn to. I will dress better, smell better, eat better, work out better, sleep better, BE better.

In the end, it's her loss if she chooses to lie and cheat. Ultimately, I will gain more by being a true bad-*ss in all of this than anything.

Oh ... don't get me wrong, my goal is to make her want me than she's ever wanted anything - ever. But it isn't going to happen unless I become the "IDGAF" guy. I need this more for me though. Right now.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2235574 - 04/05/12 12:26 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Had a big talk with the wife a few days ago. It did make me feel better for the moment.

I've been fed up living like something is going on behind my back. I don't need to stay in a marriage where on one end it's open because I'm too much of a door mat to do anything about it. My wife and daughter were talking about the wife of my daughter's boss. Apparently she messed around on her husband and doesn't take her issues seriously. She flirts and jokes around about it.

For some reason when my wife and daughter were talking nothing really came up about how wrong she was for doing it, and it sounded more like a joke as well. Sort of, "Ha Ha ... Oh well." It kind of put off and after my daughter left I confronted my wife about it. Is infidelity of any kind a joke? Do you not see what kind of pain this puts on the spouse? Or how it corrupts trust and breaks down the structure of marriage?

She claimed that she was never really thinking about it like that during the conversation. Maybe not. Maybe I'm too weakened by it and it's a subject I don't toss around jokingly. Maybe I'm too paranoid and read it wrong.

But then I said something. It sort of just spilled out and I didn't fight it back. I told her that if there is still something going on, whether it was physical or even phone texting then F! you. I said it with authority. I told her that I didn't need to just hang around while she F's around until she makes up her mind. I need to get my crap and leave if that's the case. Tears started welling up and my voice started cracking. It was either from fear or anger or both - I don't know. A whirlwind of emotion surrounded me.

A while back she said one reason she couldn't move on was because of our financial situation. It held her to me because she couldn't get a decent job and support herself.

I mentioned this and how it played on my mind a lot. What she had said triggers these fears of her just waiting for the right time to move along while I wait and wonder. She tried to assure me that wasn't the case. Also, she was set aback and a bit upset that I spewed all this and made accusations based on not much at all.

After we cooled down, I did feel better. Today I'm trying to continue to work on myself and be a great man regardless. Though I struggle continually with paranoia. This has been the toughest battle. It's been a tough battle all my life actually.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2235628 - 04/05/12 03:50 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4994
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: tpc1977
My wife and daughter were talking about the wife of my daughter's boss. Apparently she messed around on her husband and doesn't take her issues seriously. She flirts and jokes around about it.

For some reason when my wife and daughter were talking nothing really came up about how wrong she was for doing it, and it sounded more like a joke as well. Sort of, "Ha Ha ... Oh well."



Isn't this a little inappropriate of a conversation for a mother to have with a 12-year old??? confused


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235639 - 04/05/12 04:26 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I agree, starsky... I think it might have been with SD16 but I think it is a little inappropriate at that age, as well...

I adopted my D14 when she was 2. My W and her already had a well established co-dependency by the time I met them. It has been a long, uphill struggle to build a healthy, independent relationship with D14 over these years, but within the last few years things have really got better...

But in the mean time, my W has really had very... at best I would say, lax boundaries... when it comes to D14... through all the years...

Whether it be music or movies that were rated well above D14's age... or whether it was inclusion of D14 in "adult" conversations or my W not being careful about conversations when D14 might be in ear shot...

Sure, it's part of growing up... being with your parents at an adult party and hearing or seeing stuff that is a little too adult for our young years...

And I will tell you, it is hugely frustrating when I saw or now hear that my W is having these types of conversations with D14 (and even D9, sometimes; although with D9, there are more mature boundaries)... that my W's morals and ethics do not match my own... and there is nothing I can do about it...

So the only thing I can do is, when possible and appropriate, engage D14 (and D9) in conversation and pay attention to what their moral compasses might look like... if I feel they could use a little adjusting, then I give my thoughts on a subject such as infidelity or love and commitment or judgement of others or lying... you get the idea...

From what I read above, you reacted in a sitch based on a context that you perceived... all that tells me is that you might work on your detachment some more...

and also, tolerance...

While you may not agree with your W's morals and what she is instilling on your kids... All you can do as a father is to share your own belief systems with your kids and hope that a good balance sticks... but that even without the influence of you and your W, your kids will come to their own morals and so tolerance will be important to maintain your relationship with them...

Make sense? I hope that helps, in some way...

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#2235642 - 04/05/12 04:33 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
I just want to add that you want to be careful and clear that what ever you DO say to your kids, it does not get twisted into (or is not intended to be) a judgement or offence against your W...

Not good if your kids think you are attacking their mom...

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#2235678 - 04/05/12 06:41 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: ~ kd ~]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4994
Loc: Florida
f.t.r., I think 16 would be inappropriate as well.
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235710 - 04/05/12 08:27 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Kids have no clue as to what happened or is currently going on.

I think my youngest daughters suspected something early on when my wife was texting secretively.

As for now, though, we talk when we're alone. We never argue about this stuff in front of them. I want nothing more than to know they are comfortable knowing we are together.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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