NOTICE: We are running maintenance and pruning the forums this week and next. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them asap, as they may be deleted.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO KEEP THE FORUMS UP AND RUNNING.
HOWEVER, THERE MAY BE TIMES DURING THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY ARE DOWN.
THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 ... 10 11 >
Topic Options
#2206693 - 12/20/11 01:42 PM Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
Sheesh, it's time to create a new thread. This thread cap rule is really hard to swallow.

Anyway, to continue from where I/we left off:
Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. V

25 & WHG - Thanks again for your valuable words and thoughts! I agree with both of you about my stubbornness in wanting the flight itinerary from my wife. I do have my reasons for doing so, namely:

- My wife was the one who suggested this need for itineraries when we started taking our son out of state during the separation, so I'm basically doing what she wants.
- I don't trust that her family will call me right away if something did happened to my wife and son on the flight(s). Her family and I have zero relationship, so I doubt they care.

Sorry, WHG, I have to disagree with one of your points, unless I'm misunderstanding this entirely!
Quote:
Co-parenting is tough... it's about respecting the freedoms and decisions of the other. When she has your S she has the control.

Didn't my wife want a divorce? Divorce, especially with children involved, is all about schedules and structure, right? Add my wife's history of self-entitlement and zero-to-low respect of me as a father and what do you have?

I hope you understand part of what I'm doing is merely respecting her game, the divorce game (as much as I hate to). If she wanted nonchalant and informal child-raising, then she's not facing the reality of things.

In this calling schedule scenario, for example, if I were to respect her freedom and decision, wouldn't it just mean I'm allowing/enabling her to live in this fantasy world? Wouldn't I also be seen as a doormat?

If it's for the benefit of our son, I want to stick to what's right for him (i.e. giving him structure and reliability), not what SHE thinks she wants/needs.
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2206725 - 12/20/11 03:36 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
LITB Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1080
Loc: San Francisco
Originally Posted By: alamo76
- My wife was the one who suggested this need for itineraries when we started taking our son out of state during the separation, so I'm basically doing what she wants.


Alamo, I understand where you are coming from, but going back and forth on these types of things with your W has to get old. You probably have an idea what airport they are flying out of and what airport they are flying into. Not that difficult to figure out their itinerary.

Originally Posted By: alamo76
- I don't trust that her family will call me right away if something did happened to my wife and son on the flight(s). Her family and I have zero relationship, so I doubt they care.


Anyone with half a heart and half a brain would call you. After all, we are talking about your S.

Originally Posted By: alamo76
Didn't my wife want a divorce? Divorce, especially with children involved, is all about schedules and structure, right? Add my wife's history of self-entitlement and zero-to-low respect of me as a father and what do you have?


Doesn't matter how you cut it, when your W has your S, she is in control. When you have your S, you are in control. There will be things that she does when she has him that you will not agree with and vice versa. It cuts both ways Alamo.


Originally Posted By: alamo76
In this calling schedule scenario, for example, if I were to respect her freedom and decision, wouldn't it just mean I'm allowing/enabling her to live in this fantasy world?


You don't have a choice. She left and filed for D. She doesn't care if you respect her freedom or decision. Perhaps if you respected her decision and let her go, things might change.

Originally Posted By: alamo76
Wouldn't I also be seen as a doormat?


Only you decide if you are a doormat.

Originally Posted By: alamo76
If it's for the benefit of our son, I want to stick to what's right for him (i.e. giving him structure and reliability), not what SHE thinks she wants/needs.


I agree, there should be some structure, but again your W will do it her way when she has your S.

What are your plans for Christmas while your S is gone? Do you have anything planned?
_________________________
FKA:Left_in_the_Bay
M-39 W-42
D11, S8
M-17
Bomb:11/10 D Filed:3/11
Agreed to reconcile: 5/12
W says, "I don't want to work on this M" 12/12
Moved out 3/13
2nd D to filed 3/14
2nd reconciliation: 6/14

Top
#2206802 - 12/20/11 07:24 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: LITB]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
Sounds like a normal marriage to me! You know - give and take.

Perhaps I'm missing something here. Aside from financially, what other concessions has she made with her life? Since separating:

- I've work around my wife's medical school/medical interviews/medical internship schedules.
- I'm having to live with the fact that she took our son from our house and instated a 70/30 timeshare, despite my efforts and requests to balance that out.

I've said this many times before: if we were childless, I wouldn't care if she moved to the moon. But when she plays around with our son like this, it's obvious that I'd take it a little more seriously.

- She still talks down to me (in front of our son, mind you), despite advising her not to numerous times.
- She makes her schedule, and because my job and life doesn't involve a lot of travel or late nights, it always seems as if I'm working with her schedule.
- She blatantly ignores boundaries, even simple physical ones. She's been known to waltz into my garage (where she picks our son up) to take boxes and things she "forgot" when she first left the house.


But I digress. The funny thing about the schedule and the itinerary is that these are 180s for me. Yes, you heard right.

My wife was always the planner, the logistics person, the one who preferred structure. I was more a shoot-from-the-hip kind of guy.

Therefore it's baffling to me that my wife calls me controlling for doing these things; I'm trying to be a responsible and consistent adult here. I guess like what MWD indicates in the book, if your 180 obviously doesn't work, try something else.

Maybe I'm forgetting to humble myself. Maybe I'm not forgiving. Maybe not.

Thanks for checking in on me, LITB. Hope you're doing well yourself. Since this whole separation mess, I've never been completely alone during big holidays, much thanks to my church family. So on Christmas day I'm having a lunch party with a dear family and then dinner with another. Tomorrow I'm taking sometime off for a day to have some man time with a close church friend as well; his family just bought some land and property up near Redding and wants me to go out there to survey the place.

What do you have planned for Christmas, buddy?
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2206933 - 12/21/11 11:22 AM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
LITB Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/11
Posts: 1080
Loc: San Francisco
Originally Posted By: alamo76
I guess like what MWD indicates in the book, if your 180 obviously doesn't work, try something else.


What you said right here ^^^.

Originally Posted By: alamo76
Thanks for checking in on me, LITB. Hope you're doing well yourself. Since this whole separation mess, I've never been completely alone during big holidays, much thanks to my church family. So on Christmas day I'm having a lunch party with a dear family and then dinner with another. Tomorrow I'm taking sometime off for a day to have some man time with a close church friend as well; his family just bought some land and property up near Redding and wants me to go out there to survey the place.

What do you have planned for Christmas, buddy?


I'm glad you have plans to be around positive people.

I'm flying to NM on Friday to spend 11 days with my children and the rest of my family. It should be a great time. I'm certainly looking forward to it. Thanks for asking.

Merry Christmas Alamo.

Shalom
_________________________
FKA:Left_in_the_Bay
M-39 W-42
D11, S8
M-17
Bomb:11/10 D Filed:3/11
Agreed to reconcile: 5/12
W says, "I don't want to work on this M" 12/12
Moved out 3/13
2nd D to filed 3/14
2nd reconciliation: 6/14

Top
#2207024 - 12/21/11 04:33 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: LITB]
mykarma Offline
Member

Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 791
Loc: TX
Hey Alamo:

How have you been. Sorry if i am just jumping not keep up to date on your sitch. Took a really long break.

Yea i think i do agree with LITB a bit here.

In the begining of my sitch, i too felt a little like how you feel. Overtime I just let things go. Now they don'e bother me in the least. But you what happened? My W now calls and tells me all the details. I acknowledge and say thanks. Believe me it feels lot more peaceful.

I guess it is only when you truly let go is when the spouse realizes that they are no longer a part of your life. Thats when they might try to reach out to you.

Just my 2c.

But hey its nice to see you guys still active on these forums!
_________________________
BITS
M 35
W 32
D 4
Married 11 yrs
W left for 6 months in 2009
W Filed for D 01/03/11
piecing now...

Top
#2208628 - 12/28/11 12:49 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: mykarma]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
Thanks for dropping in, LITB/Karma. Yes, it's been awhile, especially you, Karma. Just caught up a bit on your thread and seems like things are still at a stalemate, huh? At least your wife's not pursuing the divorce.

UPDATE
9 Days until I see our son again! This is, by far, the longest time he's been away. I really hope this doesn't become the norm. I just want to update you guys on two of my battlefronts:

1. Divorce: I'm completing the initial financial disclosure forms. Have a phone appointment with my lawyer later to discuss the next course of action. Please pray for this; I hate what I'm doing and hate that I have to do it.

2. Porn addiction: So far, so good. I'm on day 223 of Operation No Jack. Time really flies when you don't think about it, or more precisely, when the addiction isn't at the forefront of your mind.
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2208761 - 12/28/11 10:03 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
luvless Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 1583
Loc: Los Angeles
good job alamo on the 223 - it must be hard but it's worth it.
_________________________
M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10

Top
#2212229 - 01/12/12 11:36 AM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: luvless]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
UPDATE
Hey folks, haven't been in for a couple of weeks. Was being healthy and keeping busy while our son was in TN for 3 weeks with my wife and her family:

- On the 12/21-22, Went up to the mountains near Redding CA with a church friend to help clean and fix up his new getaway home.
- Spent Xmas with close friends.
- Spent a wholesome New Years weekend with friends at said getaway home.
- Cleaned the backyard. My trees are STILL shedding like a shaggy dog in summer.
- On 1/7/12, saw our son for the first time since the New Year. He said he missed me and we've been having blast every time!
- My wife is on her last stretch of interviews with hospitals. It's only a matter of time now before the legal things start moving forward. frown She's interviewing in Salinas CA today; since this is the closest one she's interviewed for (all others are in East Coast), please pray that she gets this.

How's everyone doing?
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2212923 - 01/15/12 03:58 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
alamo76 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: Benicia, CA
Why does my wife have to be rude? Somebody enlighten/remind me of the behavior of a WAS, please.

Scenario
Wife comes to pick our son for a few hours of personal time before she goes out of town for a week...

W: So when do you think you're doing to pick him up later?
M: Well, how about after dinner? Or...
W: [Rolls her eyes] Tell me WHEN would THAT be? I have no idea what dinner time is.
M: You know, let's just do it before his bedtime...so 7pm.

Is she miffed that she won't be seeing our son for 2 weeks (she out of town for one week and he'll be with me one week when my family comes to town to visit)?

Was she testing my decision-making skills? Was she testing me per se?
_________________________
M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112

Top
#2212931 - 01/15/12 04:39 PM Re: Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6 [Re: alamo76]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Hey alamo, good to read you again. Glad you had a good holiday season.

Originally Posted By: alamo76
Is she miffed that she won't be seeing our son for 2 weeks (she out of town for one week and he'll be with me one week when my family comes to town to visit)?

Was she testing my decision-making skills? Was she testing me per se?


Most likely:

+ Yes
+ No
+ No

Although, if you're "normal" self would be non-committal, especially around times, then she "attacked" you because you were convenient and safe to vent her frustrations at.

Keep letting it bounce off you, but if that might be a 180 (committing to times and deadlines) for you, then maybe you can be more proactive with that.

Top
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 ... 10 11 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004