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Originally Posted By: Jlove
That and that when I finally "get it" it was too late for us.


Who says?

Can you also give me the winning numbers for the powerball?

Originally Posted By: Jlove
but I'm not ready to quit on my marriage yet.


Ok then. When will you be ready? When she gives you this:

Originally Posted By: jlove
It's the living in purgatory with no love in return that is eating away at me.


?????

Originally Posted By: jlove
I deserve it after all these years, but it still hurts and is harder than anything I've ever done.


Self indulgent self pity? An excuse for not trying?

Originally Posted By: jlove
I do want to die sometimes and was in the process of killing myself before all of this sparked an interest in life again, so that and my improved physical health is a positive from this in an sick self-centered way.


J Don't mess around with this ok? You have made some mistakes and this will be a hard road for a while so please PLEASE keep regular meetings with your dr. and any meds he/she has prescribed.

I have heard that the grief associated with being an LBS is worse than having both your parents die at once.

I believe cause I lived it.

It is hard. I am trying to get you to stop looking at your W and understand that success here depends on you if you choose to see this differently.

Differently?

Means if you don't want your M to be over than decide that it is up to you when it is over. She has the right to divorce you so that is not what I am talking about.

I am saying that you can stand up for what you believe. You can take your lumps. And move on and show your W and the world that you are someone with the courage to do that.

But that is up to you. I can only say that when I came here I was whiny, pissed off mess.

My decision to stand in the face of all the adversity in my M made me someone I am proud to see in the mirror.

You can find that in yourself. I believe everyone can.

It only takes YOU and only you deciding to do it.

My thread is over in MLC and it is long and it is all there if you want to know. Let me know if you can't find it.

Originally Posted By: jlove
but is it wrong for me to want love?


What does that mean for you? I mean when you said your vows you said you would love and honor her all the days of your life right?

Did that mean ONLY when she is showing you she loves you?

Did that mean ONLY when she is calm and peaceful and not confused about life?

Did that mean ONLY when she is not scared?

How would you want to be loved? Are you giving that to her? Have you in the past?

J what is success for you here?

Me?

It was living what i believed and living my core values not for if/and/or/but of what my W chose, chooses, or might chose

BUT

In spite of it.

And along the way you find YOUR own truth. And the answers you seek.

Originally Posted By: jlove
I need to find ME, and I get that.


I think you have already taken some steps toward that. Your dr., your physical excercise.

The mirror work is the toughest because that is where you can make excuses and beat yourself up.

"I would be a better man BUT _______"

Kill the BUTs in your life. There is no one to blame but YOU for you not succeeding.

Not your W, not your MIL or your cousins by the dozens.

YOU.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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It took time to get to where you are now - as you said, 21 years of drinking.... it will take time to reverse it. I have read somewher that it takes at least a month for every year that you were together - I think thats true, it took 16 years for my sitch to turn around from bomb day, and we have been together for that long.....

Work on yourself. Make yourself the an your W will fall in love with again. The OM is just a band aid, a symptom of what was wrong in our M. I think your W is a good woman, and she knows what is right and wrong, but is confused right now. But sometimes, this kinds of situations have a way of happening for a reason, and maybe in your case, it is to make you realize that you have to stop your drinking.

Just because your W doesn't feel love for you now doesn't mean to say that she will be like that forever. If you change and be the man she once loved, it could come back. And I have the feeling in your case it is very possible.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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[/color]
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Originally Posted By: Jlove
That and that when I finally "get it" it was too late for us.


Who says?
[color:#FF0000] me at times, it seems. I'm mindreading I know

Can you also give me the winning numbers for the powerball?

Originally Posted By: Jlove
but I'm not ready to quit on my marriage yet.


Ok then. When will you be ready? When she gives you this:

Originally Posted By: jlove
It's the living in purgatory with no love in return that is eating away at me.

[/color] this is where we are now. I vacillate between not being able to take it anymore and getting better.

?????

Originally Posted By: jlove
I deserve it after all these years, but it still hurts and is harder than anything I've ever done.


Self indulgent self pity? An excuse for not trying?
[color:#FF0000]

Yes, I know it doesn't serve me. I'm trying as hard as I can, but I am the ONLY one of us trying,

Originally Posted By: jlove
I do want to die sometimes and was in the process of killing myself before all of this sparked an interest in life again, so that and my improved physical health is a positive from this in an sick self-centered way.


J Don't mess around with this ok? You have made some mistakes and this will be a hard road for a while so please PLEASE keep regular meetings with your dr. and any meds he/she has prescribed.

I have heard that the grief associated with being an LBS is worse than having both your parents die at once.

I believe cause I lived it.

It is hard. I am trying to get you to stop looking at your W and understand that success here depends on you if you choose to see this differently.

Differently?

Means if you don't want your M to be over than decide that it is up to you when it is over. She has the right to divorce you so that is not what I am talking about.

I am saying that you can stand up for what you believe. You can take your lumps. And move on and show your W and the world that you are someone with the courage to do that.

But that is up to you. I can only say that when I came here I was whiny, pissed off mess.

My decision to stand in the face of all the adversity in my M made me someone I am proud to see in the mirror.

You can find that in yourself. I believe everyone can.

It only takes YOU and only you deciding to do it.

My thread is over in MLC and it is long and it is all there if you want to know. Let me know if you can't find it.

Originally Posted By: jlove
but is it wrong for me to want love?


What does that mean for you? I mean when you said your vows you said you would love and honor her all the days of your life right?

Did that mean ONLY when she is showing you she loves you?

Did that mean ONLY when she is calm and peaceful and not confused about life?

Did that mean ONLY when she is not scared?

How would you want to be loved? Are you giving that to her? Have you in the past?
[color:#CC0000][/color] I want to be held and told everything's going to be ok. I want the love like she gives our kids, unconditional and I have to give that to her to. What you said here is powerful and correct. i did vow to love her regardless of her, and I need to go there now, and pray that she'll follow. It's true, for better or worse.

J what is success for you here?

Me?

It was living what i believed and living my core values not for if/and/or/but of what my W chose, chooses, or might chose

BUT

In spite of it.

And along the way you find YOUR own truth. And the answers you seek.

Originally Posted By: jlove
I need to find ME, and I get that.


I think you have already taken some steps toward that. Your dr., your physical excercise.

The mirror work is the toughest because that is where you can make excuses and beat yourself up.

"I would be a better man BUT _______"

Kill the BUTs in your life. There is no one to blame but YOU for you not succeeding.

Not your W, not your MIL or your cousins by the dozens.

YOU.



M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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Originally Posted By: angel61
It took time to get to where you are now - as you said, 21 years of drinking.... it will take time to reverse it. I have read somewher that it takes at least a month for every year that you were together - I think thats true, it took 16 years for my sitch to turn around from bomb day, and we have been together for that long.....

Work on yourself. Make yourself the an your W will fall in love with again. The OM is just a band aid, a symptom of what was wrong in our M. I think your W is a good woman, and she knows what is right and wrong, but is confused right now. But sometimes, this kinds of situations have a way of happening for a reason, and maybe in your case, it is to make you realize that you have to stop your drinking.

Just because your W doesn't feel love for you now doesn't mean to say that she will be like that forever. If you change and be the man she once loved, it could come back. And I have the feeling in your case it is very possible.




[color:#FF0000][/color] Thank you A61, I needed this and you are my Angel today. I need hope at the end of this tunnel. I need possibility, I think it'll work, but she doesn't even want to consider "us" at this time beyond co-parents/roommates/whatever. She has been accountable and promised to tell me immediately if contact w OM, so I see tiny improvements, but I will probably have to lose her to get her back, and that thought scares me for me and my kids. My D told me last night she wants to go live elsewhere till W and I resolve this, but W doesn't know that. i don't want to tell her because I think it'll make her freak and say it's all her fault and she has to leave. I told D we won't discuss this anymore and just to pray that we'll work it out. She saw me reading DR and i had to tell her about it and I was committed to doing all I can to save M. Sad for all of us.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

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Jlove, I've been through this and back! My H had a year long EA with a colleague from another country, he denied having an A because he said "nothing happened", but the emotional component, the texting, FB and calls really hurt. But I was able to get through all that, forgive, love unconditionally (still learning !) but now we are in piecing.

I just saw your post about what happened to your D, and I know the feeling, what my H did also affected our D so badly she got depressed, even cut herself. But it did wake up my H to how it affected not only me but the whole family.

Anything is possible! It is not that easy to dissolve a marriage, or destroy a family. My H was so "done" and initially we even talked about just staying together till D was done with middle school. It did take time, but ultimately my H saw that love is not a feeling but a decision. This was with the help of Retrouvaille.

Read the threads of people here. There are many different scenarios, but what you will find out is that you are not alone. Learn from others mistakes, and apply it to your sitch. Keep posting - and especially if you have a question, want to do something and are not sure. And also, do not make sudden impulsive moves or decisions.

Hang in there!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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From Angel, I am starting to realize that I choose to love W and that's my choice and hers now what to do with my love. In the end, I guess that will work out. that was my wedding vow and I have to uphold it here. maybe she'll read that as my act of service to her (her primary LL) and realize that we can try to work it out. She told D she just needs to think for a month or two, so I have to give that space, hard as it is for me being around her all the time, until she's ready. This is my challenge. I'm doing a GAL today buying myself some nice weights to work out with I've wanted for a long time and just told her, didn't ask, and she smiled and said she saw that email. I just have to keep my insecure demons at bay. She's gotten better at telling me where she is and with who, to relieve my OM anxiety, so i am getting little crumbs here and there I have to remind myself. LAter....


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

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Hey TG -I have got to say that your post here is in my top five all-time favorites. You nailed it my friend!! cool

Jlove, this is good stuff - read it and read it again, again, again...


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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Originally Posted By: Grmpy_Mnky
Hey TG -I have got to say that your post here is in my top five all-time favorites. You nailed it my friend!! cool

Jlove, this is good stuff - read it and read it again, again, again...


yes, i've been taking all of this advice to heart. Thanks to all and I welcome input. I'm taking more than giving, right now, but i'll pay it back when I get some more gas in my tank! J


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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today is kinds tough. Just finished workout w W. This is about the most I'll see her till dinner tonight. I left a card out for her early this am and she had one for me. It was sweet, but kinda strange feeling. It wasn't a H card, but said that I was special in her life and made her life special (could be worse I know). I know I cannot read much into it, but it's tough. Feel like today maybe a bid trigger day (ya think???) Anyway, we have a really nice new place we're eating at tonite and it's a surprise to her alothough she's mentioned it for a while. Just have to keep off all R talk, gonna need my strength. I have a wristband to pull when I go off the deep end to focus. I'll survive, I just want my W back. Hard to be with her so often and not hardly touch, etc. she did kiss me on the lips last night for the 1st time in weeks, so who knows. I have to quit trying to read her mind. focus on me and kids. Later...J


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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Wow, I cannot read too much into this, I know, but when W she came up to me and gave me a big kiss and hug and thanked me for the flowers and said that was a very sweet surprise. She then told me she was sorry she had to work today. I know, I cannot mind read hear, but I have been focusing on her LL of Acts of Service and am trying as my 180 to fulfill them. I suppose taking Angels advice a while ago and learning to love her unconditionally and without demands would be an act of service too. I just need to make it thru today without a backslide!


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

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