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#2236769 - 04/10/12 12:58 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Ah, what to blog here?

About my weaknesses? My paranoia? Subtle clues my wife leaves that spur on the paranoia? The fact that I wish I was strong enough to leave because I don't want to deal with it any longer? What?

I had a four-day weekend. Most of the time was home improvements and training. My wife and I were hardly alone. Kids are home for vacation and it's tough to get a moment of peace. But that is life of a family and it's good to just appreciate the fact that we are all together.

I'm really trying to work on strengthening my mind. As long as I can remember I've always been sort of a paranoid person. Always. Slam me with some drugs and I become Super Paranoid Man. That's one reason I stay away from them. At one point this weekend I tried to make the decision to not look too deeply into what my wife was doing and whether or not she's leaving a trail of evidence behind her leading me to see her infidelity. Honestly, the evidence is subtle - but sometimes subtly can scream like a Howler Monkey. Other times, she wants to be real close to me. She wants to snuggle up to me and relax. Sometimes she wants to lay her head on my lap while we watch TV for a moment. This draws confusion to me. Does she want me and us, or does she want out?

She says things that makes me feel like our marriage should always remain open to whatever happens. Stuff like, "Whatever happens to us, I'll always love you."

"Whatever happens to us?" Whatever do you mean? I'm at a point where I desperately need some verification - or just tell me that's it's over. I'm sick of the games. One hand on us. One hand on something else.

My wife likes to run from her problems. She's not one to stay and fight. She blames herself for failures, yet she does nothing to change or break the habits. In her mind, she's failed at nursing because she lost her job due to drug abuse. But she didn't work hard enough to make it right when she had the opportunities. She failed at another job opportunity because she didn't work hard enough to keep the door open. She was too worried about rejection when she had to make phone calls day after day. She failed NA (sort of) because she doesn't want to go often enough to make it work for her or continue her "steps." She's failed our marriage because she doesn't want to let go of the things that keep a wedge between us. She's failed herself.

And here I am trying to sugar coat all of it to help keep her chin up. But as much as these things scream at her in her mind, they scream at me as well. They tell me to run - the exact thing she does when things get tough. The exact thing that I hate about her.

If I had the opportunity. No. If I had something, maybe someone, to get my attention and take it away from her I would probably jump. All I see is a cloud of discontent over me for the rest of my life if I stay with her. So far, nothing I've tried has really worked to get her attention off walking away and/or someone else. It's been almost 3 years and I'm still wading through the same murkiness that I did the first year. Oh, I've changed. I've changed drastically and whatever happens to us I'm staying like this. Whoever grabs my heart is going to find a great man. That's all I can say about all this right now. I see things in me that I would have never guessed I'd be doing several years ago.

Her loss, I guess. But how long to I stick around? What do I need to gain the strength to walk away? I don't have that strength yet because I still love her deeply. And that sux more than anything else.

Today, I really hate myself.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2236774 - 04/10/12 01:30 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4828
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: tpc1977

If I had the opportunity. No. If I had something, maybe someone, to get my attention and take it away from her I would probably jump..


tpc,

Can you see the unhealthiness of that? You'd be jumping from one relationship to another, and in each one looking for SOMEONE ELSE to "make" you happy.

Only YOU can learn to become happy. Otherwise, it's not love, it's co-dependency.

Somehow, you've got to find tpc again. What makes him tick, what makes him fulfilled, what makes him happy. That is the "meat" of your life; your wife (or some other future relationship) should only be the "gravy."


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2236782 - 04/10/12 02:05 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I don't think I've ever found him. That may be the problem.

I am finding new thing in me that I've never seen before. But, me as a whole, not sure who he is.

Most of that was just trying to find an escape plan. In a way, I want out. I want to leave her until she figures herself out. She's not happy and relies on a lot of other things to make her happy temporarily. Coincidentally, I guess I'm the same way of sorts.

I need someone to talk to outside my marriage, but I have no one. Most of the guys I know are competitive cyclists and this type of stuff bounces off of them. They have no time for it. I dare not speak to anyone close to my family - or my family for that matter. No one needs to judge me or my wife for what happened in the past or is happening now. I don't want anyone treating either one of us differently. As for counseling, we can't afford it. Not right now at least. Her car just went into the shop and I don't think we can even afford to get it out. It's going to cost a couple grand. I almost lost my head when the shop guy called.

Anyway. I totally hear what you are saying. And believe me, I agree whole-heartily. I'm still looking for tpc. Still looking.

Thank you.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2236787 - 04/10/12 02:10 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4828
Loc: Florida
Do you have any sort of an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) thru work? Those often have free counseling benefits attached to them. The Catholic diocese in your area (and probably others) may have sliding-scale counseling as well, and it's not religious-oriented (unless you want it to be).

You are a very introspective guy (that's good!!), and I think you need someone to talk to.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2236800 - 04/10/12 02:42 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: Starsky309]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 12022
Quote:
I need someone to talk to outside my marriage


Al-Anon - really, you need to go. Try a different group if you didn't like the one you went to.

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#2236878 - 04/10/12 06:24 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: kml]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
Do you think this will help me cope with my marriage problems or just my wife's problems?
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2236882 - 04/10/12 06:33 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 12022
Your wife's problems ARE your problems and your marriage problems. When dealing with an addict, you have to address that part first - and Al Anon is all about learning to put the focus on YOURSELF, and what you can and can't do. It will give you support, and better tools for dealing with her. My friend has gone off and on for years, I see how it has helped her, and when my H left (no addictions on either side) my friend lent me her Al Anon book, The Courage to Change, which was still very helpful to me.

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#2236922 - 04/10/12 08:12 PM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: kml]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
OK. Thank you.

Looking for local meetings right now.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

Top
#2236992 - 04/11/12 12:02 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
tpc1977 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 197
Loc: NC, USA
I sent an email to an Al-Anon rep in my area. It looks like there's a meeting held on Monday during my lunch hour. It would be perfect. I just want to make sure it's still being held there.
_________________________
Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12

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#2237076 - 04/11/12 11:21 AM Re: Well ... I'm back [Re: tpc1977]
2chiquitos Offline
Member

Registered: 10/02/11
Posts: 1122
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Hi! I go to them regularly and it has helped me tremendously!
_________________________
M 38 H 35
T7 (-2yrs separation)
S5 D2
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciling

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