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#2230362 - 03/13/12 10:40 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
I don't think I can offer any guidance. Your sitch is just really tough. As long as you see progress toward what you're working for, then I'm happy for you.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2230473 - 03/14/12 11:31 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Crazyville]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Yeah it's tough. Went to dinner and a movie last night with W. This morning I'm flying across the country and will be away until Sunday.

We normally ML after a date night provided its not too late, and the resultant brain chemistry typically makes me feel happy and upbeat for several days, it certainly makes traveling easier. When it felt like W wasn't going to go there, I said "how about ML tonight". With no hesitation she said "no" and nothing else. I said "OK", rolled over and had a crappy night of sleep. Woke up early and out.

Normally I would email or call about now to try to patch things up, but today I'm just going to let it hang. The question is, should I call tonight with an inconsequential upbeat conversation, or not call? If not call, should I call tomorrow night or just wait for W to reach out?

W said she engaged in an affair because she didn't feel connected. I'm sure I risk recreating that feeling, but that's not my responsibility alone right?

Reread the part of the Solo Partner about how painful it is personally when you enact one sided relationship changes. Definitely true.

Accuray

(Thanks again to everyone who chimed in -- if I didn't respond directly it still helps, don't feel I didn't read or don't appreciate it, I do, please keep posting)
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2230476 - 03/14/12 11:36 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5054
Accuray

No I think you need to stay the course for the moment.

Have you ever considered that maybe she has lost a little bit of her control.
Even though now she is more in CONTROL.
I do agree that she is fishing and TESTING your changes.
She may not believe that they are REAL.

Possibly she can not BLAME you for any feelings inside of her.

Until she is ALL IN on your marriage I am not sure that anything you DO is going to matter.

I am glad you enjoyed the SOLO PARTNER, I do believe that MWD's theories are based upon some of this.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2230487 - 03/14/12 11:53 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Cadet]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Thanks Cadet. She is not "out" now, but does want more distance than I do.

How will I know when she is all in measured against her limits versus against my desires? Is that a meaningful distinction?
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2230511 - 03/14/12 12:48 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5054
Originally Posted By: Accuray
How will I know when she is all in
When or if that happens you will have no doubts.
But if you are looking for speed you will fail.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2230521 - 03/14/12 01:25 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Cadet]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4474
Just sit tight and GIVE HER a chance to choose to make the first move to "patch things up." I don't guess you've given her that opportunity very often when you get uncomfortable with the distance....
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#2230628 - 03/14/12 05:39 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: oldtimer]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
You are right Oldtimer, I'm generally the one to patch things up, she's both stubborn and a conflict avoider so she will just bottle it up and move on as if nothing is wrong.

Maybe you can help me with how I talk myself out of things -- the other perspective is that it hadn't been that long since we ML last time, we didn't discuss this in advance, and she should be allowed to say no if she wants to. I asked for sex, she said "no" and then I punished her by disengaging.

That's how I start to think and then I will reach out. Help me with that.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2230725 - 03/14/12 11:44 PM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
No call, email or text from W

frown
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

Top
#2230730 - 03/15/12 12:25 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: Accuray]
mncwng Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 34
aww, hang in there accuray!

just catching up on your thread, and wanted to let you know i can so relate. wrt my situation with h, i'm usually the one initiating things and wanting more contact/affection/etc. as much as i try to have no expectations, i get a little bummed out too when theres been no emails/calls/texts, etc. the old me would have probably called or emailed after a certain period of time.

the way i've been talking myself out of initiating contact/pursuing is by rereading the excellent advice you've given me on my thread. i've printed it out and refer back to it each time I feel like backtracking, and it's been really helpful.

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#2230734 - 03/15/12 12:40 AM Re: MC says to call it quits [Re: mncwng]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
frown Sorry, I know it's not the same, but we're here for you.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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