I am already into moving fast towards making him see the financial consequences of this next phase that he's moved to. I have drafted a letter that formalises the list of financial details and reporting that will be required to untangle all the issues around his multiple businesses and spending of our shared money.
It's enough info about tax issues to make Al Capone break out in a cold sweat.
And I threw in a mention of my lawyer's suggestion that I hire a forensic accountant, too - to go through the details of his businesses with a fine-toothed comb. I don't want to sound vindictive - I have said that i don't think it's a good idea to get adversarial on this - but I'm just presenting what my lawyer says will be required to assess his lawyer's proposal about a percentage decision of our asset base.
On the issue of telling the schools, I don't think H means that he wants to speak to the counsellors about possible negative effects on the kids. He firmly believes there are none and that counsellors who think otherwise are wrong (His OW masquerades as a child psychologist, amongst other things, and has advised him that kids are 'resilient').
He just seems to want, badly, everyone to know that we are 'separated'. In part, I think he knows this would humiliate me and, so, feels compelled to make it part of 'settling our account'.
Interestingly, too, he's been keen on labelling me a 'single mother' lately.
I would love to call DB for counselling but my money (what's left of it) is going towards replacing the car and paying a lawyer at this stage.
Thanks so much for your great suggestions. You've really helped me through this. NLW
ncl, Thanks for looking in on me -as usual, I'm getting great advice and support from you. I am, slowly, getting to the point of planning my future without my H in it. And wondering if I even want to reconcile with him.
It's taken me a long time, but I am moving on, little by little.
I'm no longer terrified to make him angry/upset by setting out just what will be required for a legally-binding separation of our finances, and going hard to make sure that he does it all 'by the book' rather than getting by on the basis of what he says is fair and reasonable.
I do know what I need to do, and I'm doing it. And I'm interested to see how H will react; not scared.
I know H doesnt want to speak to counsellors but can you somehow make that happen in order to discuss these side effects without seeming like you are manipulating the sitch.
Google "broken home daily mail" there are some articles I would love to forward to our H about the negative consequences of D. I wish I could do that.
Our "MC" told my H kids are resilient, what a bunch of quacks.
I think you should tell some select people to show you are listening to your H. Also to show him that he cant hold this over your head. Trust me I do not like telling people. But I think you need to tell a hand full as part of your strategy.
Also when I told mutual friends this summer several of the men decided on their own to try to talk some sense into H, it was unsuccessful. I do think that as my H comes out of his fog he does remember some of the things people have said.
My H thought it was weird that a mutual male friend was "so angry" at him, H thought it was out of character. Makes me laugh
He likes to call you a single mom?? That is odd, why do you think he likes to say that??
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I'll definitely try with the counsellors. Thanks for the link too - first one that came up was about how one in 5 kids from broken homes lose touch with the WAS FOREVER.
At the rate my H is going, this will be him.
I would definitely like to expose the moral and ethical bankruptcy, let alone quackery, of the marriage and family counsellor/friend and ex-student of mine who became the OW to my H.
But, of course, this wouldn't get me any closer to my goal of being a better person so I'll turn the other cheek....
On the issue of telling people, i've been sticking to what i thought was the DB line of keeping stumm.
Your friends sound like diamonds - so good to hear that they cared enough to try to set him straight.
I think my H likes to remind me I'm a 'single mum' - as well as telling me that I have been 'abandoned' - because for a long time it seemed that we were just a happily married couple where the H just slept elsewhere every night (and not for 'bad' reasons).
That is, we do get on pretty well together most of the times that we see each other (although he has cut this right down now), so he needs to keep reminding me that 'this is actually happening', I suppose.
All of my H clothes are still here. Everytime he comes over he is wearing new clothes. He has a new favorite baseball hat that should be worn by a 14 yr old.
H took none of his furniture or decorations (the few he has) and only some of his man stuff like tools and workout equipment.
There have been several days that he knows we are out of the house and he could come over and get his stuff but he doesnt.
I used to think it was a good sign now I dont know.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
My H has been here twice in the last two weeks - on his own while I have been at work and the kids at school, so he could have taken whatever he wanted - but nothing is touched.
And yes, the hoodies and T shirts (all emblazoned with logos) that my H has bought for himself recently would be great for a 14yo boy, but look decidedly odd (to my mind, at least) on a 42yo businessman.
I'm thinking - since I wrote the above - that my H doesn't want his clothes because mostly, they were bought by me. He's leaving them behind just like he left me.
It is a bit hard not to interpret it as some sign of hope, though. When I went to his wardrobe to check whether he'd taken anything, it all looked exactly as though he was still living here.....
Would have pushed me to tears a few months back to see all his clothes hanging there just as if he was about to walk back into the bedroom and put something on.
I have read your entire sitch with great interest. I in turn began a determined research mission on the MLC syndrome - to find that your story is exactly classic, even by the most sarcastic of websites, the fit is uncanny!
And the prognosis is the same across every board (medical, psychological, intellectual, philosophical, rational, irrational, psychic, side-kick, infidelity, jealousy, happy, sad, gay, not gay - dim, dark, gray, midnight, treatable, not treatable, BP, BPD, NPD, LSD, MLC, LBS, WAS, WAH, WAW, MD, MC, IC, PhD, IOU, IUD, STD, TRO. All you can hope for remission to last (one would have to seriously ask themselves after this question after such a coaster ride as yours).
But you have learned a great deal about yourself and your toleration level over this period. And you are now in a different place with a total re-grouping of your perception of your husband's hyjincts. You are surely better off, but you've been thru he--.
I commend you for your fortitude. It really would not have mattered how you would have handled things any differently or better. You have done an admirable DB job under these tough circumstances, and you are to be admired. Seriously, with what you have been faced, and the pressure you have been under, I am surprised you have not had a nervous breakdown. Furthermore, many people commit crimes for much less than what has been done upon you.
Bravo.
I would be proud and honored if you, or any of your admirers, would have a look at my sorry sitch.. With best regards, Yas
Married 27 Years Together 32 Years 4th Year of Separation; D-Day 1 = 9/08, D-Day 2 = 12/08 Divorce Final Sept. 17, 2012
