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PS 2

how are your kids handling things? Do they ask questions? That's an issue for my sitch b/c I thought ALL the kids were on board with "my forgiveness" plan and our reconciliation.

For a few years, mil's cancer/death kept the focus off our r, even though we were together.

But now, turns out, our youngest is NOT too crazy about h right now. And they drag me into their disputes, (she does most of the involving me)

but the point is, I was wrong to assume that MY work filtered down to them.

THEY Did not attend Retrovaille, h and I did. WE were helped, not the kids.

It's as if I thought they had gone or somehow picked up on my vibes sufficiently to overcome THEIR pain...my mistake.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25years-hello! Kids seem good. My oldest is 21 never brings it up. At one point after H came home I asked if he had forgiven his dad or where he was with it all. He said he forgave him and believes his dad was having some personal struggles. My other son has a disability. Feelings are hard for him to describe but I DO know he is so glad his dad is home. Now my youngest daughter who is a tween I'm not so sure. She felt replaced by OW's daughter and I think has worked through this but I see her not always trusting his stories. It's a work in progress

I can so relate to Denver's post. It's funny how we all seem to be going through the same feelings at the same time in our post crisis situation.

I too see my mistakes and weaknesses in the marriage. I really work evry day at being the best wife and mother i can.
But I do clearly see a man who really needs to do some hard internal work.

I too put him on a pedestal and blamed myself for everything!! After BD

I was dealing with a man who drank every day and lived basically a double life.

I couldn't stop that.

Anyway. My eyes Are open to him and myself.

I love him and my family. But I sometimes feel like a lot of the burden is on me. Maybe those are expectations I put on myself?! It's hard for me to explain but I feel like my actions are well thought out. Not perfect but with knowing the consequences of not being the best me or wife. He doesn't seem to have that.

He is working hard at the marriage. He is transparent and loving, honest and remorseful. But, more often than not I am surprised at the way he will act or talk to me. They are old habits I know for him. But honestly and I know I will get flamed but I feel he should be working on this. Not wanting to stir up problems. He will apologize. But it's a trigger for me and it takes all I have to walk away as to not start argument. I know he's human and not perfect but really?

Anyway, we are going to marriage retreat again and I am hoping we can talk some about this.

I too like Denver looked at some old fb things about OW and boy it did. No good I feel like I'm still looking for answers. This is hard for me. Help! Can I ask more questions at marriage retreat?

That's all for now. I love responses. Feels good to talk to others that have been where I have. Thank you!

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Any feedback? 25, Denver, snodderly..... Thanks

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Anyone ?? I keep checking but no one responds...

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Hi,

I'm not to piecing yet, but here's my 2.5 cents, since I'm re-learning how to communicate with my W...basically, when I say/do something that triggers something in her, we agreed to have her say, "H, the way you said/did that triggers something in me that is from the past and doesn't work anymore, let's find a way that works". This is agreed to be said respectfully, and it does go both ways, I say the same to her. She is in MLC, btw, and replay's cheating (hopefully done), so I do have my triggers as well. Maybe sit down and work out an agreement with him regarding this, for both of you, because I reckon you trigger things in him from time to time.

smile
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In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2

I too put him on a pedestal and blamed myself for everything!! After BD


We were just talking about this in a thread in Newcomers, but yes, the WAS rewrites history such that they remember nothing but bad things about the LBS while at the same time the LBS rewrites history so that they remember nothing but the good about the WAS. Then when things get to piecing the LBS has to deal with the "real" spouse rather than the perfect spouse they've been "remembering".

Quote:
But I sometimes feel like a lot of the burden is on me. Maybe those are expectations I put on myself?! It's hard for me to explain but I feel like my actions are well thought out. Not perfect but with knowing the consequences of not being the best me or wife. He doesn't seem to have that.


This sounds like a communication issue to me. You need to communicate your feelings to him and he needs to listen to you and validate. It sounds to me like you are afraid to express your feelings to him though. Is this because you think you won't like his reaction? Are you concerned he will get angry, or maybe dismiss your feelings as unimportant or meaningless? I apologize because I haven't read your entire sitch, but have the two of you attended RetroV? I think it is exactly what the two of you need to learn how to truly communicate your feelings and emotions to each other.

Quote:
He is working hard at the marriage. He is transparent and loving, honest and remorseful. But, more often than not I am surprised at the way he will act or talk to me.


Us guys simply do not know how to properly communicate with women. We were never given the tools. So we do what we -think- is right, and it never is. When you tell us how you feel, we -think- we're supposed to fix you. So we respond by saying things like "well you need to do X, Y and Z and the problem will go away." And then we expect you to do that, and tell us how great we are for fixing your problems for you. Of course it's absolutely the wrong response, because instead of validating a woman's feelings we send the message that we don't care, that it's insignificant and easily fixed, that she needs to quit whining. I'm 51 and RetroV was a serious eye-opener for me, it really drove home just how poor a communicator I was with women my whole life when I actually thought I was a GREAT communicator!!

Quote:
But honestly and I know I will get flamed but I feel he should be working on this.


Why would you get flamed? You are absolutely right, you BOTH need to work on this!! It is critical to the future of your M!

Quote:
Not wanting to stir up problems. He will apologize. But it's a trigger for me and it takes all I have to walk away as to not start argument.


It's "more of the same" behavior. It's falling back into the old patterns that caused marital problems to begin with. It needs to change.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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T2 when you said I trigger him I thought -now how does that work ?lol. Guess I'm still working on me. I. Never thought of that.
Yes a lot is still old behavior and we must change that. I'm really looking forward to our marriage weekend. We will tAlk about this.
Does anyone think its ok if I still have a few questions about OW that I ask when we are at marriage weekend?
Thanks

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Hello. Could I get some advice on my question? I leave this weekend for marriage retreat a d would love some advice b4 I go. Thanks!!

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My opinion, let it be, focus on the 2 of you, the OW is the past...and also I think this is something for just the 2 of you, or with a MC, not a group/retreat setting...I would be quite annoyed and shutdown if blind-sided by that in a group setting.

Let the questions wait until you are further down the R road. That's what I am doing in my sitch...focusing on rebuilding communication and connection with W...the details of OMs can wait until "we" are stronger. And W will probably then be more open to talking about, know what I mean?

Just my 2.5 cents... smile
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In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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HELP!!!!!,! We went to the marriage weekend. It was great. Interesting how I didn't have the need to talk about OW as much as I thought I would. Time sure helps with that. And H being transparent.
We really had a good time and good conversation.

I have noticed lately that H is going back to a lot of old behavior and I don't know how to react. I believe he struggles with depression. Maybe bipolar He will not take meds. He did in the past and it wasn't good.
Some of the things are so hurtful. It's like he's projecting his own problems on me. I am sensitive still. In try not to react over and over but I have a limit. What do I do? What do I say???? Help. .? I almost feel like he's comfortable and can just be him. His old ways. But I'm not going back to that. He can behave badly and hurt others with his words. And then I Or we are suppose to be over it. I can do that some times but HOW much do imput up with ?....

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