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#2227026 - 03/03/12 04:08 AM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: lifejustgothard2]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10725
Loc: west coast
Life,

FWIW I accidentally saw your post asking for my input, so I think there must be a better way to contact someone here. Maybe put it in the subject line??

Or they could allow for private messages...I would not have checked here otherwise b/c I post too often to go back to my old contacts, generally.


Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2
He seems to being willing to do whatever it takes to heal our M.

can you explain this ^^^ with specifics? Also I asked you a bunch of questions back in January or last month and some answers to those would help me to assess.



But then there is this side of me that feels I am letting him off to easy - he should "pay" . Deep in my heart I know my job isn't to teach him a lesson and it all has to come from his heart.


that^^^ SOUNDS like the punitive part of you talking. Then again, he walked away from all of you for MONTHS with no contacting his children

and living with OW and lying...and what was his explanation? Was there one?

So I get why you feel he has not "paid" but see, he cannot pay you enough to make up for it. He MIGHT be able to compensate over a long time...but only that would help you heal...UNLESS there's something your gut is telling you that makes you feel uneasy IS there?



So, does it take time? He seems to have owned it all.


YES it takes TIME....but you have said "seems to" twice now. Do you think he gets it or not?


But, will sometimes get a little defensive if I point a finger at him like"this is happening with the kids because of what you did to us" etc. Is that placing unfair blame?
What should I expect from him? Thanks.



Do NOT point fingers about the consequences you believe are happening now b/c of his past.

There is NOTHING HE can do about it now and that's the same as throwing it in his face.

So if your kids develop drug problems 10 years from now will that be HIS fault too? When will you let him off the hook?

Don't think I am lost as to why you feel this way. OF course the kids will act out and NOT trust that he'll stay or have nightmares or get clingy with him'

but don't you think HE knows that?

How does it help the kids or the "cause" to point your finger at him?

Not putting this all on you by a long shot...but tell me more about why he "must" have contact with OW

and address the other questions I posted and I can go from there...

(also FYI I'm working more now so I don't post as often)
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2227083 - 03/03/12 02:29 PM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: Cyrena]
lifejustgothard2 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 450
Hi 25. I will try to answer the questions.
We have both agreed no contact. He blocked her number on his phone showing me proof from telelphone company so she can no longer call him.
He has always been where he says he is showing me proof with a call from work -caller id or phoning and letting me know when he is leaving etc.
HOnestly, I am not worried about him seeing OW again. Maybe I am fooling myself but he said it was miserable. He wanted to come home for a long time and just didn't think he could. Didn't know what life with me would be like after he had done what he did.
He has gone into detail why it was bad. Missing us, terrible mistake, empty life with out us, etc. It seems he basically used her as a place to stay, etc. And, used the alcohol to stay numb as to not think about us.
But, there is this little part of me who wants to stay on the defense as to not get fooled again.! He wasn't the kind of man to do this- but he did.
He initiated the addiction group we go to weekly. Reminding me that we have it when the day comes.
Next weekend we are attending a marriage seminar for 3 days. I asked way back when and he himself booked and made the hotel arrangments.
I am trying so hard not to point fingers. WOrking through my own sand!! smile
But, there are triggers of course. If I am upset he will come and hug me and let me cry and say once again- I am sorry.
I don't know if he will ever "get" it. The pain, the abandonment. Thats what I am wondering if it takes time for him to see the damage.
I truly believe he would do anything for our family.
I do know when "it" comes up it is still painful for him. His defenses go up. Doesn't get mad but will say "I can't fix you" or " I don't know if it will ever go away".
My response is - give us time! It has only been 3 months!!
The majority of days are good. I am glad he is home and so are the kids. I am still working to be the best wife and mom I can be.
I guess I was hoping for some encouragment from you. You walked this entire thing with me-and I appreciate it. Thank you.

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#2227303 - 03/04/12 05:19 AM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: lifejustgothard2]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10725
Loc: west coast
I have learned to accept that the WAS might not ever "get it" when it comes to what they put us through.

And even if mine could, I think it'd be so painful to him that he'd probably turn away from it. Or try to forget it. At Retrovaille he broke down and sobbed and I knew in that moment, he got it. But no one can stay that down/sad for long and my h is also a proud man with a good self image, and I don't think the MLC conduct he engaged in, fits his self image at all.

So it's a lot for them to deal with...but sure, what about US??? We went through it!

I hear you.

Can't post more now but will later on.

Carry on and good luck.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2228986 - 03/08/12 10:53 PM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
lifejustgothard2 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 450
COuld I get some advice on this weekend? 25years? Anyone? Thanks.

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#2229107 - 03/09/12 01:54 PM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: lifejustgothard2]
lifejustgothard2 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 450
Okay, well I am off for the marriage weekend. I guess if anyone has any advice I hope to check into this forum while driving later.today. I wish I could get even some support would be nice.
Last year at this time WAH was making plans to leave us today we are headed to a marriage retreat. Wow. How a year can change things.

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#2230369 - 03/14/12 03:00 AM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: lifejustgothard2]
lifejustgothard2 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 450
Well, it was an amazing weekend. An answer to prayers. Not sure anyone is even reading this anymore. But, thought I would update. SO many things said that needed to be.
Onto new beginnings...and learning from the past.

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#2231297 - 03/16/12 11:02 PM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: lifejustgothard2]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
Life,

I am very happy for you and envious that you are in piecing with your husband. I yearn for that right now! Your strength and perseverance (a whole year?!?!?) truly inspire me! It has only been a month that my husband and I have been separated and it feels like an eternity. Any input from you would be greatly appreciated!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2232027 - 03/20/12 01:41 PM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: hopingandpraying]
lifejustgothard2 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 450
Thanks Stephanie. I am grateful too. I have learned so much about myself. A little late in life it seems but then again it is never too late.
It is still hard for me to give input as I feel like I am still walking this road. I can say to listen to the vets here. They know what they are talking about. It still amazes me that things 25years would tell me about H and what he was thinking ended up being right on-come to find out now during our "talks".
I do know H regrets the hurt he inflicted on me, his kids, our family, and friend. He sees it. He said he wishes he could take it all back. He says he knows he has "failed" us. He wants to change that. And, he is trying. I see it everyday.
One interesting thing he said is that for a few of the months he was away he tried to convince himself that I was the problem. He said - that lie went away pretty quick! They do wake up. Even if just small increments here and there.
I am proud he had the courage to come back and work on our M.

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#2232481 - 03/21/12 11:04 PM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: lifejustgothard2]
alone Offline
Member

Registered: 07/07/11
Posts: 34
Loc: Colorado
Life,
I have not been here in awhile. It got to hard for me to read while we were working on our marriage. All I know is that it takes time. Even when things are going well I think that we sometimes wait to see if the other shoe is going to drop.

I am glad that your weekend went well it sounds like both of you are committed at piecing your marriage back together. That is something to celebrate each day together.

I do not think that they really ever know the pain that they caused in us and that our marriages will not be the same. I think that it will be a long time before we will trust again and feel secure in our marriages. But I do believe that it will happen. We only have to get through the times that are trying for us.

You sound like you have a lot going for you and keep up the good work. Always hold you head high and know that piecing is not an easy road. It is harder for me then DB'ing was. Glad that you have found yourself here.
_________________________
M 48
H 51
Married 30
S 29
D 28
GD 5
GS 17 months
Sep May 2011
H home 8-18-11

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#2233638 - 03/27/12 01:27 PM Re: Now the work begins.... [Re: alone]
lifejustgothard2 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/27/11
Posts: 450
Help! Could I get some support? I know this isn't a very busy place but I don't know where else to go with these issues?? I am having a really hard time right now with my self esteem. It never used to be an issue for me but boy since this all went down ( H had A) it is all hitting me now. It is hard to explain.
Before he came back I was able to keep in all in perspective(after a lot of work) that it was him not me with the problem and didn't have anything to do with my looks. He even said that before he came back. But suddenly,
I feel like the ugly duckling. Wondering- is H comparing me to that women across the room, etc. He tells me often how beautiful he thinks I am. THis all sounds very immature as I type it.
But, I don't know what to do.
I am constantly thinking of ways to improve myself thinking maybe that will do something. I already lost 30 pounds and exercise.
Now I am rambling.
Thanks Alone for stopping by!! It isn't an easy road.

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