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#2220765 02/10/12 10:11 PM
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Hello everyone. If you want to read my old posts they are under "thought it would be done by now".

Anyway, we are in piecing! And, it is not easy! But, I am so thankful he is home.

WE are in counseling and attending a christian based addiction support group together.

communication is much better.

I am looking for encouragment and advice. I sometimes feel like I don't know how to act.
Thank you!

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Act with your and her best interest in mind.

I made a deal with my wife when we first started piecing. And it serves us well 5-6 years later.

"If I say something that could be taken one of two ways, and one of those ways is hurtful? Please don't take it that way. If we want to hurt each other we know how too without being all passive aggresive. But let me know how I could say it better."



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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It is hard how to act... you got so used to DBing that it gets hard to start being engaged again!

A few words of advice:

1. Take it slow - baby steps, think before you act and speak, try to lose any anger and resentment. Don't expect your trust to come back either, but don't act upon any mistrust and hurtful memories...
2. Do not expect! It takes time to change, it takes time to put what has been learned into action
3. Do not overwhelm your H with too much, he is still processing
4. Be positive, concentrate on the good things, and be forgiving. Live from this day onward, as 25 usually says...

Do post and tell us whats happening!


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Thank you everyone for all the advice. I do appreciate it.
I wake up every day and at some point in the morning I have to remind myself- forgive as Christ forgave me! Boy, not easy. But the pain is a little less all the time. 25years- hoping you would chime in. You have taught me a lot. We are off to a marriage weekend in March.

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THings are going good. 25yearsMLC - I was hoping you would stop by. I learned so much from you and others on here. I am still learning though. I think M is always a work in process.

We are gearing up for our Marriage weekend that he signed us up for. Attending the addiction bible study group too weekly -together.

As I read through others sitch I am amazed at how right on everyone was about what was going on in my H's head. As a MLC/WAH.

I continue to try to make improvements in myself. I want to be proud of the person I am. I want to become the women God intended me to be. And, that is completely up to ME to do!

Anyway, just checking in.

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We went to retrouvaille, and it was really an eye opener for H especially. Praying for you that everything will turn out right. When you walk with Jesus you have no fear.


Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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Posts: 467
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25yearsmlc- stop by please! smile

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Thanks angel61. Yes, it is good and comforting to know He never left me and never will.

It is odd how I go through a day or two fine but then all of the sudden just want to get an answer for something H did. Why? I want to ask. I know its me wanting something to blame or an excuse. I know it is not wise to re hash this stuff.
But what do you do with some unanswered questions?

How are you Angel?

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He seems to being willing to do whatever it takes to heal our M. But then there is this side of me that feels I am letting him off to easy - he should "pay" . Deep in my heart I know my job isn't to teach him a lesson and it all has to come from his heart.
So, does it take time? He seems to have owned it all. But, will sometimes get a little defensive if I point a finger at him like"this is happening with the kids because of what you did to us" etc. Is that placing unfair blame?
What should I expect from him? Thanks.

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Life,

Yes, you're in the place where you'll sometimes want to get answers. Whether or not to ask for them depends partly on you--will you be able to live with certain descriptions/confirmations? Will you be able to accept his answers without, as you say, blaming him or using them to make yourself "right?" If you feel you really must know, perhaps you could set apart designated times--no longer than 15-20 minutes--when you are allowed to ask those questions, after which you will have positive interactions. Be aware, though, that because your H is still processing his shame, etc, he may find it hard to comfort you afterwards.

As for "pointing a finger at him," try not to. Keep working on forgiveness for what he's done, and allow him to help you find solutions for what's happening with the kids, etc, without apportioning blame that will only make him feel stuck and take the focus off the real issue (the kids).

You should expect him to take responsibility for his actions, to keep working on his issues and to show commitment with his actions, but since you have no control over his timeframe, try to let that go.

This will be a very confusing time for you, filled with triggers, so keep working on keeping up the positive changes which brought you to Piecing!

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