NOTICE: We are running maintenance and pruning the forums this week and next. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them asap, as they may be deleted.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO KEEP THE FORUMS UP AND RUNNING. HOWEVER, THERE MAY BE TIMES DURING THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY ARE DOWN. THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.
t^2 and HRM you both just made me laugh so hard.....
So what about the double handed flip off while dancing in their room and saying "Poor, Poor, OP's name"?
What really made me laugh was everytime I hear about a double handed flip off I remember my mom driving the car with her elbows so she could flip people off with both hands.
I cannot make this stuff up. She has anger issues.....
You should hear some of the great suggestions she has given me for dealing with my H. She wanted me to starch his shorts. When I told her he wears knit boxer briefs she suggested I sew the flys shut. When I said that would be silly she said she didn't care, he was being silly. She was starting to make sense....
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33 D final 9/12 Sold the house, Progress is being made!
TSquared2 and WenikiTiki~ Thank you both so much for the laughs! It's nice to be able to share a laugh with people who know what you are going through, not just trying to imagine the craziness of it all! In fact, when I got home from the gym tonight, and he was sitting in his usual spot in the living room watching tv, I looked over and almost laughed out loud thinking of the double flip off dancing around his room! LOL
WenikiTiki~ Sounds like your mom has some interesting ideas! Trust me I have thought of my share of mean things to do, and then I stop myself, and remember I was always taught to kill with kindness.... and recently my pastor said, "to be Jesus" to him (not sure how that is accomplished when he will barely speak to me, but I'm trying). For awhile I stopped doing any of his dishes until he finally remembered how to put them in the dishwasher, or actually did them himself. I only did that once, and then I decided, no, ya no what, wait. I will continue to do that, because guess what if/when he would leave, he's in for a rude awaking that the dishes do not mystically wash themselves, and the bathroom doesn't clean it's self, etc. Perhaps he will realize how much I did/do for him, maybe not, but either way, I know I did the right thing.
TSquared2~ Aside from DB and DR any other reading you found to be particularly good, or helpful to you? Always open to more reading material..... not that I don't have a HUGE stack of books to read already, but hey, what are a few more, right? lol.... I'm not addicted... I can stop any time... (that was my feeble attempt at humor)
I haven't had the urge to do the double (or single) flip off since January (thankfully), so I am really walking the "treat as Jesus/Buddha would" line these days.
Books aside from DB and DR... I really like and found helpful for background info the book Kimmerz suggested to me, What Women want men to Know...maybe try her women about men version (if their is one...)? If you look at my sitch I listed an e-book about affairs and why...the 5 LL's, Conscious Loving, etc...most helpful though, were/are the people here and their sitchs and advice, help to others and to me...I really found sandi2's posts eye opening and helpful.
But for at home reading (the R books are read at work after hours... ...I love sci-fi/fantasy/alternative history/quantum physics as a means of escape (and tons at the thrift store for pennies, so is cost-effective). I also dove into Plutarch, Tolstoy, lots of poetry and other "heady" books to get my monkey mind engaged elsewhere and crowd out my sitch... Whatever gets your mind occupied ELSEwhere I think is important, so maybe avoid romance novels....
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
TSquared2~Thanks for the info, I appreciate it! I went to the library today, checked out like 6 books, I think.... the librarian probably thinks I have a problem.... self help/positive thinking books, but after last night, and my yucky outlook today I need all the positive thinking I can get! lol
Anyway, last night I had an anger/rage filled moment. I don't know where it came from, I have been doing so well lately, and had been feeling peaceful, despite everything, but last night I just kinda freaked out (in my room, not actually to him). I threw a picture of us across the room, cried, and silently yelled at him.... perhaps the silent treatment is getting to me, or the wanting to pay me for food..... or the fact he seems to be stuck in hating me and wanting away from me and not cycling into let's cook dinner together or even watch a movie..... it's just constant ignore and treat like crap. Maybe I think too much, maybe it's finally sunk in this is really happening and my husband could very well march out the door at any second and wouldn't give it a second thought. Maybe he really does want to leave, sometimes he sounds convincing......but that is the nature of the beast I suppose, convince yourself so you can sound convincing to other people. Or perhaps it's because today is 6 months and it only seems to be getting worse, not better.
And then I think if he continues to be stubborn and not work through this, or still leaves, and not open his eyes to all he is running away from, all of the plans I had or I should say, we had together I will have to mourn.... and that will be hard.... I still have a hard time even thinking about the fertility thing.... especially now when it seems like having a family at all will not happen..... it's all snowballing and it feels like it is going to run me over.... but I guess I have to face the music and process it sometime because the worst case scenario is a very distinct possibility when the man you are fighting to save a marriage with has a very bad support system.... the just leave and do what you want type.... the there are no problems whatever makes you happy type..... not the marriage is a commitment and work type are you sure you want to throw it away......
Sorry for the babbling.... just whats going through my head today.... it's a scary place...... guess I will go read some of the happy books I checked out now.
The anger will come and go. And it was told to me over and over here: You can't make his decisions for him. His decisions are his decisions.
Yes, our plans are changed, our lives will be changed no matter what the outcome. So keep moving forward, make plans to protect you. Plan as though you are going on alone. I wish I had started making concrete plans sooner!
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33 D final 9/12 Sold the house, Progress is being made!
Warning, I'm about to rant! So, I'm scared, my anger is building... tired of being talked to like I am despised, there is NO reason for it! He knows where the door is if he wants to leave so freaking badly! I am so angry I just want to go back to his room and start knocking sh!t over! I know, bad idea, and I would never really do that, but that's how freaking angry I am!
I don't even know why I'm so angry, just his tone I guess, because I don't deserve it. I mean all I did was go out to the living room to get a Netflix movie to watch back in "my" room and he asked, harshly, if I wanted that tv, I cheerfully replied no thank you and went on my merry way. He proceeded to come back and tell me, again in an agitated tone, I already watched the Netflix movies I wanted to see so you can send them back when you watch them. All I said was thank you for letting me know. He's like I did tell you now, I forgot. I just looked at him and said, that's why I thanked you, and I went back to what I was doing and he walked away. Then I ended up taking the movie back out there cause I didn't realize how long it was (I'm getting up early tomorrow to go do the Autism walk).
Last night I paid the cable bill, he was nice enough to thank me for that, even though his tone was icy cold. I don't know why, the only bills he has left to pay are the mortgage, and insurance, plus HIS school loans and HIS midlife credit card (I mean the credit card he told me was for in case of emergencies and I didn't need to worry about it, must have had a lot of emergencies). Anyway, he's gonna have to realize at some point he's going to still have bills when he would leave, not to mention paying me, so it's not gonna all be rainbows and sunshine without me, I am NOT the freaking problem!!!! Again, AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!
Walking by him tonight I just felt rage running through me, and that is not who I am. I don't like it, and I have to figure out some way of dealing with the unfair way he is treating me. Being projected onto stinks! I just can't get past how one day things were fine and the next I'm the enemy. But to him it seems perfectly logical.... of course he's mentally ill right now, but still thinking about that doesn't help. I just want this nightmare to end! Hell I want everyone's nightmare to end, I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy (if I had one).
Ok... so on the positive side.... I had 2 co-workers, at separate times, tell me how nice I look today. Which was strange cause I wasn't wearing anything new or anything, I did get my hair cut and highlighted in Salem, but they all had already seen that. So it was just nice to have people say positive things about me. The one said I look really pretty today, I thanked her, and she's like was that strange to say. lol I said no, she's like, not that you don't look good any other day, but today you look really pretty. I thought that was very nice. It helps me to remember I really am a good person and there are people who want to be around me. I also keep looking at my note cards with all of my strengths written on them, my counselor had me make those, good thing.
Ok, so typing all this has helped calm me down some, as well as listening to some inspirational music.... gotta love Matthew West. So thanks everyone in DB-land for letting me vent my frustrations.
He's angry because he sees you happy and for some unknown reason, he's still miserable. I would actually close the door when you go into your separate room so he doesn't see what's going on and you have your own privacy. When he hears you laughing and having a good time or talking to someone on the phone, he will go through the roof.
But you know what? Not your problem.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond~ Thank you.... sometimes it's easy to forgot he's actually miserable, since he's trying to convince everyone including himself that he's doing great!
Speaking of doing great, I've had a great two days! Was able to pull myself out of my angry spell (lots of prayer!). Had a great time at the autism walk, we had such a beautiful day for it too!! I got to catch up with some friends I haven't seen in a long time, and see their 2 kiddos, their one daughter has autism, and just seeing her brightens my day! She was telling me all about a girl robot doll she wants (baby alive). lol
Of course my friends and I discussed my situation some, and as everyone else in normalville, they can not believe what has been going on, and are very empathic. Perhaps it just validated me even more talking with them because they are both in the medical field (a critical care nurse, and a child psychiatrist). At any rate it was wonderful to see some old friends, and visit the town I lived in while attending college. My friend and I stopped in a surprised my mom and her husband at their restaurant on our way home too, so it was nice visiting with them as well.
Today was a rather relaxing day, even with H being here and in an out of talking grumpy and being civil, and the typical ignoring. I watched a couple of movies and just relaxed! It was nice, even took a break from all the reading I have been doing! I hope I can keep up the positive thinking and the peacefulness I have inside right now. I've actually been dancing around the house and singing, despite the fact he refused my offer of eating some of the delicious dinner I made. I figure I can't change his choices, so why get upset, it's his loss, now I'll just have dinner for tomorrow night too! Yea.... go positive thinking!!!!
Ok.... so, I have decided no matter what I say or do, or don't say or do, it will be the wrong thing.... guaranteed. Let me explain. Sunday H tells me he needs to get tires for his car, and didn't know if there was any money left from the tax return, but would appreciate it if there was, if I could contribute to paying for the tires, but he says I'm not "obligated to". I told him I would see what I could do.
So after a lot of thinking and praying and bouncing it off of a friend, I decided I would give him $100. I swung by the ATM on my way home from work, everything fine right. Yeah that's what I thought too.... nope wrong. That evening when I decided to give him the money he says to me, "Cash, why are you giving me cash?" I was truly confused. I said something to the effect of, did you want me to write you a check? He said something about putting it on a credit card, I asked him what he was talking about, still confused. He said I just don't know why you are giving me cash if this is the tax money. I said well it's coming out of the same account so does it really matter if it's cash or not? He was just really fixated on not taking MY money, it had to be the tax money. Then he took the money and put it on my dresser. He said you just hold onto it for all the groceries I have been eating. I told him I understood he wanted to pay me for groceries, but it wasn't necessary because he doesn't really eat that many of them. He said something else, I don't know what, and wasn't going to ask. I just kinda stood there in a shocked confusion. I feel like every time I am ready for the next strange thing he throws at me he throws me off.
I decided I just had to get out of the house so I grabbed some water, closed my door (see I can shut my door too), and called a friend to meet at the park.
I explained to my friend what had just happened while we played some disc golf (neither one of us are good, but it sure was fun!). While I was explaining it to her it occurred to me what he may have meant by putting it on a credit card, I think he wanted me to pay on the credit card bill. Which makes more sense then thinking he wanted me to pay by credit card, cause how would that work unless he has a card reader in his ass. lol
When I got home last night, I went to my room and minded my own business, with the door shut. I was watching some tv when there is a knock at the door, yep dear one, he wanted to let me know he thinks he fixed the toilet (it was acting up, whole gotta jiggle the handle thing). I looked at him and said ok. He said something else about it and all I said was ok. He got angry and said, "just nevermind!", and stormed off, slamming the door before I could say anything. I just went back to watching my show. Which brings me back to no matter what I do or do not say or do it is wrong.
At any rate, he is still securely lodged in crazy. On the up side he did not ruin my positive attitude yet. Any thoughts?