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So I am very happy to have found this website, because for awhile I was thinking that I was crazy, or stuck in some sort of horrible nightmare that I will surely wake up from.....but from all I have been reading I am VERY certain my husband is dealing with a midlife crisis, and some depression as well. I just really need support right now since my entire world has been turned upside down.
Let me back up at bit, October 11 was the day my world totally changed. My husband and I were sitting on our bed watching tv when I looked over at him and he just looked deflated, like something was wrong, I asked if he was ok. He said he didn't know if he wanted this and motioned around the room with his arms. I asked what, the house? me? He said any of it. I burst into tears. My best friend, the man I was trying to conceive a child with just the week before spending lots of money on fertility testing, bought a house less than 2 years ago, not to mention 9 years of marriage, 11 years of being together, now doesn't know if he wants to be with me?!?!?! To me this was TOTALLY unexpected! I of course did all of the "wrong" things, try to talk him out of it, what do you mean, try to prove he was wrong, etc, and all that did was push him further away. I asked if there was another woman, he says no he could never do that to me, but he now wants to see other people. He only says good things about me, tells me I'm a good person, he thinks I'm going to save the world some day, says I am more patient than anyone he knows, and he's still very physically attracted to me, but APPARENTLY doesn't feel an emotional connection to me any more. What crap! That's what I think. No emotional connection?!?!? I mean really, seriously, my best friend doesn't feel connected with me. So after several weeks to think about this, and several counseling sessions (me only, heaven forbid he get help), I know this is something he is dealing with and doesn't have anything to do with me, but that doesn't make it any easier. He is still living in our home, but has moved into the other room, barely speaks to me,no longer wears his wedding ring, and spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with his mommy (who is not my biggest fan). I just need to know what's a girl supposed to do??
I know this was most probably brought on by his job, and all the stress he has there, he hates it. Recently he applied for another job, was sure he would get it, told me he didn't know what he would do if he didn't and then like 2 weeks later Bomb Drop. He's my husband and I love him, but how long do I wait for him to get his head out of his butt? And if he does it doesn't mean he will realize he's throwing something good away. It will be four months on the 11. I'm just a mess still some of the time.... getting better with some counseling and good friends, but I thought it would be good to talk to people who have been through similar experiences. Thanks in advance!
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach the single most important thing to DO. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself. The Gift of Time.
Post short messages, frequently will help you get off of moderation.
My heart goes out to you. I've heard all of it, pretty much word for word, as all of us have.
You're not the crazy one here--though he may try to paint it that way. Don't believe it. I guess my most succinct advice is "hope for the best but prepare for the worst."
It is a good idea to keep an eye on your bank accounts and assets when someone goes off the deep end...when my XH first said this kind of stuff, I had no idea that very soon after he removed my name from his credit union account (our savings) of which I was an authorized user. The day he left, he told me that he'd done that months prior. Why? Because when he first said he didn't know if he wanted all "this" he was thinking of leaving then, and he was afraid if he left with all our accounts jointly owned, that I'd freeze his assets if he walked out the door and he'd have nothing. Later I got him to put my name back on the account when we reconciled briefly, so when he left the second time for OW, I was able to get a lawyer and he couldn't take the assets for himself. But the fact is that this is a man I would have trusted with my life, who did something entirely out of character and I never saw it coming.
So my advice on that end would be to check your assets, check your accounts, maybe even run a credit report for free. Just have this info in case you need it.
Beyond that, Cadet is right, you have to try to protect yourself emotionally and detach. Read books and articles on detachment. Post a lot and people will help you through this. It seems like a fate worse than death, dealing with a spouse in MLC, especially if it's a really serious extended MLC, but it can also be a transformative time for you in that you can learn to be really empowered and take care of yourself in a way you never imagined.
More than anything you have to realize that there is not much you can do FOR someone else in MLC, but there is a whole lot you can do for yourself to deal with it and heal should your marriage not make it through the process.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thank you both. The hard part definitely is seeing them struggle and not be able to do anything to help. I'm a helper by nature, so to have someone I care about so much go down such a destructive path is so hard to watch. You just want to scream at them sometimes, or take them and shake them and say, if I can see this why can't you?!? But I know none of that will work.
Support is what I need. I have some great friends, and family, but it's nice to be able to vent to people and get advice from people who have gone through this or are going through this.
I have been going to counseling on my own, and that has been helping, but the last few days I've just been feeling blah about the whole thing, and crying like it's day one again. Of course work has been super stressful this week too, so maybe that could be part of it.
I have come into some interesting information last night. I had to go to the doctor last night for my work physical and thankfully H did not take me off his list of people the doctor can talk to, which I found surprising since he had to update 3 weeks ago when he was there. I was able to talk to the doctor about him. The doctor told me when he spoke with H he told the doctor the only thing wrong in his life is his job, and he's fine when he goes home. I sat there completely stunned.... because when I had asked H how his doctor's appointment went (I know, bad idea) he told me he told the doctor we were having problems, and said the doctor asked if he "wanted anything to take the edge off". But he told the doctor he "doesn't need pills" (even though he's on other medications). The doctor told me H needs help, but he can't force anyone to do anything. He told me he even suggested counseling to him. Which I have too, but of course, H wouldn't even consider it.
So talk about mixed messages, and being confused. I feel like I know exactly what is going on.... I know this is all about him hating his job, and I think I'm the one getting projected onto because I'm being viewed as responsibility. If I wasn't in his life he could sell the house, get rid of other bills and quit his job and get any other job just to get out of where he is. When it would be so much easier to use me as the support he should be.
Also our bank accounts have always been separate, don't know why, we just never put them together. However, he did open another credit card a few months ago, and when I asked him about it, he said "it's just for emergencies, nothing for you to worry about." Well apparently eating out and buying shooting stuff (he shoots competitively) are emergencies because I know he's used the card for such things.
For awhile he didn't seem to enjoy his favorite activities and now shooting and gun stuff is all he does, I think he is trying to distract himself from the confusion. Aside from that he is mostly home in the evenings and weekends watching TV. There are occasions I'm not 100% sure where he is, but for the most part he has been with his family or just his brother.
I just wish he would surround himself with positive people, not the likes of his mother, Ms. Do whatever makes you happy. Why does everyone think running away is the best option? Where is the commitment anymore?
Also I have both books, DR, and DB, have read all of DR-love it, haven't had a chance to get very far in DB, have been reading some other helpful books.
hrm 134, I am sorry that like the rest of us you find yourself here. The most helpfull peace of advice I have been given here is, do not not focus on him/her, because if you do, you will get drawn down yourself. Its not easy because of how unjust it seems and, it is, but you cannot fix it, it needs to run its course.
Try to detach, read Cadets reading material, its hard work, some days are better than others, look upon him as a room mate !
The bomb drop for me was last April, w moved out 7 months ago, no significant change to date. Some days I want to shout and scream at w, others I am more in control, getting on with my life.
If I could offer you some more reading material...
This is not the story you think it is ~ Laura Munson
Co-dependant No More ~ Melodie Beattie
You're in the right place.
I wish that I'd really understood how important it was to focus on me early on. I'm sorry, if any of this comes across as harsh, but you can't help him - nor should you. Regardless of whether or not this is MLC, WAS or alien abduction (jk ... sorta!) ... the end result is the same.
Look at your H's complaints (if there are any) and dig out whatever truth might be hiding there. Look at it. Look at you. Are you who you want to be? Are you authentically living your life? Who are you as a woman? Not a daughter, wife, sister etc .. who are you when those roles are removed?
Welcome to the boards Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I have the book by Laura Munson, and really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for the suggestion. Any advice is always appreciated!
The last few days I have done well, but tonight we went and had our taxes done, and well, sometimes this alien just makes me furious! Originally he told me I could have our entire tax return, I told him that's not necessary. Well it turned out to be more than we thought, and when we got home, because heaven forbid I be spoken to really at all, but not in public, you know that may impede his ability to flirt with random strangers, Anyway, he wanted to "talk to me about the tax return". He's always saying, "I don't want to fight with you." But I really think he does try to fight with me, but it doesn't work because I won't. As angry as I may be inside I speak calmly. So I asked what do you want me to do, pay some extra bills, or write you a check. Well apparently writing a check is fine, you know since he pays the mortgage and utilities. Ok well I just paid his car off, and he makes a LOT more money than me, so whatever. It's only money he can have it all for all I care, except I wanted to save some for a lawyer in the event his head stays forever lodged in his ass! Of course he didn't offer me any of the money from his hefty bonus check, and failed to mention the 2 large checks he has coming from stocks and retirement (I found papers, so that's how I know he's got that coming). But no, no he's not having a midlife crisis..... all this spending is normal, and blaming your wife who's been nothing but supportive and your cheerleader is normal, and being nice to everyone else and pretending like everything is ok is normal, acting like a freaking teenager and then a toddler is completely normal! Instead of waking up and seeing the job you hate is the problem, and you are projecting all your anger on your wife because she represents responsibility, and won't let you sell the house you haven't lived in 2 years yet, oh and when someone may have stupidly mentioned you may be having a midlife crisis not looking it up, or researching it to see if that's possible, or even not going to counseling is yep all NORMAL!!!!! (sense the sarcasm?)
Ok, ok, sorry, a bit frustrated after this experience. And yesterday he was nice to me..... this is why it feels like I'm in crazytown! Yesterday he was all concerned because he thought I had had a date, when I pointed out I'm marriage so I'm not dating he's like I don't want to fight with you. I said I'm not fighting with you stating facts.
I think it also annoyed him that when he told me he wouldn't be home this weekend I didn't get mad, I said that's funny I won't either. So he did ask a few questions fishing for info. I've been trying to "give him his space" which is no small feat in the same house, but I've been shutting "my" bedroom door, and until Saturday night I hadn't seen him since Thursday. I don't know, he's so back and forth, I'm nice to you, I hate you, I'm nice to you, it's over, I just don't feel that way anymore.... where are you going on your trip, I don't feel that way anymore you need to accept it...... AAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just feel so unsure.... and I think does he really think all the hurt and pain he is causing the woman he loves (well did anyway, but I believe still does) is ok, does he really not care, does he enjoy it, is the alien here to stay, or will it leave as quickly as it came???
I know he has to work through this and I can't do anything thing to help, and that's hard for me. I'm in the human service field and it's my job to help families in crisis, and I've been so conflicted about that lately because I have this huge crisis in my own home and can do nothing about it.....
Ok, so I need some advice, emotional support, motivation, some other sane person to remind me I'm not crazy.... It's 5:30am and I can't sleep because last night I had the worst night since Bomb Drop back in October. H came to "my" room last night to see if I had given anymore thought to "our situation" (that's right 11 years together, and now we are in a situation). I told him I didn't want to talk about it right now because it's 8:30 and we both have to work in the morning, and I am in pain. Well apparently he didn't care. He was like why is something wrong with you (actually for a moment seemed concerned, like the man I married) I said yes actually, there is, I think I have my first ever hemorrhoid (sorry for the TMI everyone, but such is my life right now). Then body snatcher came back and said oh, and got back into the, "I don't want in this relationship anymore, no emotional connection, feeling trapped, blah blah blah.
I do believe he is feeling trapped due to the job he hates, and he can't leave it because of the bills, and he sees me as the person crushing that plan, so of course, I'm the bad guy.... everyone else just lets him live in delusional world. I can not believe there is no one else in his life who won't be the voice of reason. He has surrounded himself with idiots, really.
Well initially I did a good job of validation and saying I understand, and for the most part did not cry..... just a little. Then, and he's done this before, he brought my parents up because they are divorced, like that's going to make this better (his parents are divorced too!!), I should have mentioned the fact my mom has told me she regrets ever leaving my dad. So that was his point for relationships sometimes end (he's said this before) rational lies he is telling himself. I was like so what, so are your parents. I said did your mom have something to do with this, telling you to just leave your family, whatever makes you happy, just get out, guess you are just like her. I know, I know, BAD thing to say!!!! I knew the moment the words were leaving my lips, but I couldn't help it, I know that evil woman is NOT helping my case. So of course he's like of course you would blame this on my mom! Then he pulled the "I don't want to fight with you" card, but clearly he does.
He started to get angry when I wouldn't agree to sell the house. He's like well then it's going to go into foreclosure, I'll stop paying the bills. I asked him what bills he would like me to take over now that I'm done paying his car off. That mad him even more mad... oh MY car, that's how we are going to play now? Excuse me Mr. Body Snatcher but I thought that's the way you were playing. Of course he had to pretend to be the big hero, no, no I'll pay everything. I told him he's still financially responsible for half of all the bills if he leaves anyway since we are married. Then he went on with you have me "by the balls" I can't leave and I'm trapped by all these bills and I'm starting to get bitter (yeah starting to.....). I was like you can leave that's your choice. I started stating all the choices he was making, like leaving our family, not looking inside himself, etc.....
But in his messed up little head he's projecting everything on me, which when I said I understood that he told me to "stop psycho-analyzing him. I said I'm not. I told him he has lots of choices, to which he rolled his eyes to. I told him I can only control me and he can only control him and he his trying to make all my choices for me and I don't want to leave our home. He says it wouldn't be our home because I wouldn't be here. I said well then I don't want to leave my home. He wanted an explanation for that. I told him because we both worked to hard to get there and just because he wanted out of it all didn't mean I did.
No matter what I said in this conversation I was the bad guy. I told him I missed the husband I married. He said well that guys not here anymore, and who knows if he ever was. (gee in crisis much?!?! and denial?!?!?!) I got the I will always love and care about you, but I don't feel the emotional connection anymore and want out line again. I said that's your choice to leave. He got pissed because he said he talked to a lawyer and knows how that will play out, he will have to pay all my bills for the rest of my life. I said well even if we would do it your way you are going to have to pay me alimony....apparently that pissed him off... he stormed out of the room proclaiming the conversation over. Like I said I didn't yell or raise my voice at all, he was the angry one. I did shed some tears, but I wasn't sobbing, but between the physical pain in my backside and this emotional pain I couldn't help it.
He came back about 5 minutes later, still fired up, and said he's sorry he spoke so angrily, that's not going to help this situation and then he walked away. I didn't say a word.
During this conversation (or the attack on me),I also said so if we do it your way that's not fair to me, I'm not getting any choices. He said if we do it my way he's not getting any choices, and he doesn't know if he could possibly be more selfish, but he doesn't want to do things my way. I again asked if there is someone else, he said no but there could be. He again pulled the what is it going to take to get you to accept this, do I have to serve you with papers? I was like no, cause I still won't believe it. I said so what if we do go our separate ways and then in 6 months from now you decided you made a big mistake, would you come back to me? He said I don't see that happening look at how long it's been and I don't feel anything different. I said yeah well I've been here. He's like not really to me. AAAHH!!!
So of course the last 4.5 months have gone through my head and I was smart and did NOT say anything but, there have been glimpses of the man I married throughout that time...... so I guess he has cycled back to the beginning again....
I continue to do the only thing I can do, I pray constantly. I know God has a plan, I have no idea what that plan is, but I know he has one, and I'm just going to continue to trust him through all this pain.
Body Snatchers can seem so convincing... but in my heart I know the husband I married is in there somewhere, the one who IS emotionally connected to me, the one who wouldn't run away from me. So am I crazy??? Am I in deep denial about all of this???
I can't offer much help. YEP, he has gone crazy, drank the MLC Koolaide and gosh knows when it will be over. I've been riding this out with DB since early October, in reality since a year before that. This time! Evidently I am dealing with stuff from 12 years ago that got swept onder a rug.....
I think you just need to read a bunch more peoples posts and you will start to get an idea.
And one thing for sure is to remember this is a long haul thing. And you need to do what you can to save you. He has to deal with his own stuff in his own head. I am living that right now. It is hard!
Hang in there!
Me 55 XH 56 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 D final 9/12 Gainfully employed and kept my house!