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Originally Posted By: purgatory
Must be draining to go from such a good place at lunc yesterday, to such a low place today. You're only human, so you're bound to make mistakes- its what you do *after* them that really matter.

After you answer Labug's question, answer this: what will you do to keep from doing that again?


Purg, we were cross-posting. My answer to labug's question is right above your post. What will I do next time? Good question. There are times when I am totally ruled by my emotions, when I am acting out. I did apologize and tell him that I was speaking out of anger and frustration. Now I am trying to regroup and focus on the rest of my day. Next time when I feel my emotions getting the best of me, I will acknowledge them, call a friend or my mom, read Sandi's 37 rules, and try to engage in a specific activity to divert my focus. Does that sound like a viable plan? Would you suggest anything? Thank you for posting on my thread.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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Originally Posted By: labug
Great question, Purg.

And think about where your anger really comes from. Anger is a signal that there is more going on. Not to sound too woo-woo but my word for 2012 is PAUSE...and that means pause and think about my emotions before I speak, pause and think before a reACT rather than reSPOND.

When you feel anger building are you able to sit with it and determine its origin?


Sometimes. Other times I just want to let it all out, maybe because I am not good at asking for what I need in the first place. And then when I don't get it, resentment builds. One of my new goals is to learn how to meditate. I think that will be my next area of exploration.


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Nov 2011
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Come here and vent, and then wait for responses.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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mimivac Offline OP
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Next time I will do that rather than call H. crazy


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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My H left me b/c of my anger issues... I spent a year in C to figure where/why/ what to do about them. The biggest 'trick' that she taught me is the 24 hour rule. It goes like this: when you feel a need to respond to something H says or does, you have to muster up all your strength and STFU! Walk away. You MUST wait 24 hours before saying anything about that topic. During that time, journal, go for long walks, come here to the boards: do whatever helps you calm down and get it out of your system- but not to him! After the 24 hour period, you will have noticed one of two things:
1. Either you realized that the issue wasn't that big of a deal and you've moved passed it
2. Or, it's still something you want to talk about- except now you are no longer functioning in your emotional brain. So you are able to talk to him rationally and calmly.

This was a Turing point for me in how I relate to H and everyone. After almost a 8 months of practicing this, I don't have to wait 24 hours anymore. I can 'feel' when my body/brain is reacting emotionally and I can consciencely get myself into my rational brain.

I originally posted this I Rick89's thread (I think) about 3 months ago. He said it helped him a lot. Just another tool for you to try smile


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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Originally Posted By: purgatory
My H left me b/c of my anger issues... I spent a year in C to figure where/why/ what to do about them. The biggest 'trick' that she taught me is the 24 hour rule. It goes like this: when you feel a need to respond to something H says or does, you have to muster up all your strength and STFU! Walk away. You MUST wait 24 hours before saying anything about that topic. During that time, journal, go for long walks, come here to the boards: do whatever helps you calm down and get it out of your system- but not to him! After the 24 hour period, you will have noticed one of two things:
1. Either you realized that the issue wasn't that big of a deal and you've moved passed it
2. Or, it's still something you want to talk about- except now you are no longer functioning in your emotional brain. So you are able to talk to him rationally and calmly.

This was a Turing point for me in how I relate to H and everyone. After almost a 8 months of practicing this, I don't have to wait 24 hours anymore. I can 'feel' when my body/brain is reacting emotionally and I can consciencely get myself into my rational brain.

I originally posted this I Rick89's thread (I think) about 3 months ago. He said it helped him a lot. Just another tool for you to try smile


YES! Thank you. I actually used to do this, and it ALWAYS helped. I would say that 90% of the time, the thing that I thought was so urgent at the time would fade within the 24 hours. Must. Remember. This.


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
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mimivac Offline OP
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Here is a hard-won lesson: while I was DBing, my H couldn't quite move out. He looked at many places, but found flaws in each one. He confessed that he felt anxiety about moving out. Yesterday, I let myself be controlled by emotion and pressured him with anger and crying. This morning, he suddenly found a place and can't leave soon enough. I also mentioned signing a separation agreement in my anger as a kind of dare. Now, of course, he thinks we should get one and also separate our bank accounts -- things he never mentioned before I did.

Now I can't seem to get back in the groove of things. I didn't react very well to the news of his impending move-out, and I am more emotional than I have been since this whole thing started. I feel that I've really set us back, and I just want to crawl under the covers and cry.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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Nope, pick yourself up and get back to DBing. Do more of what worked, less of what didn't. Remember that DBing is to save yourself first. Everyone starts by thinking they're doing it to save their relationship, but that is not the most important thing. You are.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Thanks for the reminder. If I'm doing it to save the relationship and it doesn't ultimately work, than I'm a "failure." If I'm improving myself, then that will stick no matter what happens with the R. And there's the added bonus that it's better for the relationship, too. Trying to pick myself up....

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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You got it!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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