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which one did you decide to start with??


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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I am reading "This is Not the Story You Think It is." Downloaded it last night on my ipad and started right away. Wow, what a fantastic read. Reminds me SO much of my sitch (except for the idyllic Montana farmhouse, that is. LOL). The instant connection she felt with her H; trying to forge a different kind of life together; thinking they were different and special; and then the sudden apathy of her H; the sudden crisis she is in and trying to learn how to unattach. I am trying to read it slowly to savor it. I also love the writing style and that it's not your typical self-help book, but a memoir of sorts. Love, love, love it.

So, last night after reading one chapter, I really calmed down. I got up and cleaned the kitchen (always feel better when my external world is clean and orderly). Read another chapter and took a "spa shower" (my weekly treat to myself where I light candles, put a nicely-scented tablet in the shower, and then go through my 7-step skin care process. I was definitely not going to do it last night, because I was in despair and feeling like nothing mattered, but I did and it felt wonderful). Then I poured myself a glass of red wine and watched a movie.

H came home and I was even calm and friendly. He worked until late into the night. We didn't talk much, but I touched him on shoulder when I went to bed and he used his old endearment for me. When he came to bed, he snuggled against me and went to sleep. This morning, he was his same silent, morose self, but I tried not to let it bother me. I have arranged a trip to New Orleans for this weekend, and I will plan that this week and read my book and take care of myself.

Thank you, purg!!

Mimi

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M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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mimivac Offline OP
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A word about detachment: I suck at it. I think I'm doing well; I seem to be doing well; I am GALing and even content and happy being by myself, but I am far, far from detached from my H -- especially when he is around. When I am alone I seem to be able to get myself together, do nice things for myself, live in a calm and peaceful environment. But he is in between places right now and staying at home and I find myself wondering whether he is constantly thinking of escaping and getting his own place. I wonder if he is solidifying his decision to leave for good.

When we are getting along well, like last night and this morning, I wonder if he is thinking of staying after all; if he's changed his mind about renting an apartment. Then I find myself having a low level of anxiety at all times. Like right now, I sit here with a slightly elevated heart rate and a slightly sick feeling in my stomach. I need to STOP INTERPRETING, stop wondering what he's thinking. It's killing me.

I leave for my New Orleans trip on Friday and that should help. I know it takes time, but for those of you who have achieved a level of detachment from your WAS, what was the first sign that you were getting there? Was there anything you felt you did that helped the process along or is it simply a matter of GALing and waiting? Thanks. I am trying to figure this out.

Mimi

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M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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Originally Posted By: mimivac
I know it takes time, but for those of you who have achieved a level of detachment from your WAS, what was the first sign that you were getting there? Was there anything you felt you did that helped the process along or is it simply a matter of GALing and waiting? Thanks. I am trying to figure this out.



Mimi, I struggle with this too since my H is still at home. I was just thinking about this last night. I suck at detaching. They say it takes time, and GALing should help. Well, it hasn't helped me yet. Personally, I think the people who are able to detach easily are the people who aren't still living with their spouse, or their spouse is angry and mean. My spouse isn't mean or angry, and doesn't seem to avoid me at this point, so that makes it harder.

I'm looking forward to reading the replies to your question.


Me:37
H:GONE

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I think it just takes time and working at it everyday.

Accepting that no matter what you do you can't change their course, you can only change yours.

At the one month mark for me, I spent a lot of time in bed watching mindless hours of TV. Really. Of course one of my issues was depression, so the bomb exacerbated that.

Doing something for myself everyday, no matter how small.

Getting active in making myself a better person. Celebrating little accomplishments in that journey.

One of the first signs: I was able to focus more on myself and less on trying to figure him out.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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mimivac Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
[Mimi, I struggle with this too since my H is still at home. I was just thinking about this last night. I suck at detaching. They say it takes time, and GALing should help. Well, it hasn't helped me yet. Personally, I think the people who are able to detach easily are the people who aren't still living with their spouse, or their spouse is angry and mean. My spouse isn't mean or angry, and doesn't seem to avoid me at this point, so that makes it harder.

I'm looking forward to reading the replies to your question.


I think you are absolutely right that detaching must be easier for those not living with their WAS. Without the constant reminder of what you might be losing, it's just easier to start focusing on yourself and your own life and goals. Otherwise you wonder if you're doing the right thing by LRT; are you helping or hurting the relationship at this very moment, etc, etc. It's just crazy-making. What I try to do now is to stop those thoughts in their tracks. When I start in on the, "I wonder what my H..." I picture a stop sign and start thinking about what I want and what would make me comfortable. Sometimes it works and other times I can't get him off my mind.

Mimi


_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
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mimivac Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: labug


Thank you. I am sinking my teeth into it now.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 158
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Originally Posted By: labug
I think it just takes time and working at it everyday.

Accepting that no matter what you do you can't change their course, you can only change yours.

At the one month mark for me, I spent a lot of time in bed watching mindless hours of TV. Really. Of course one of my issues was depression, so the bomb exacerbated that.

Doing something for myself everyday, no matter how small.

Getting active in making myself a better person. Celebrating little accomplishments in that journey.

One of the first signs: I was able to focus more on myself and less on trying to figure him out.


Thanks, bug. I guess I am detaching in fits and starts. One day I'm really focusing on myself and not giving a fig about how H looked at me the other day, or how fast he tried to get off the phone with me, etc. Then, the next day I feel like I am going insane analyzing why he snuggled with me in the morning, but then didn't kiss me goodbye before getting on the metro. Argh!! I have been told to take the long view and I am trying to keep that in mind. My dream scenario would be a state where I am actively GALing, LRTing, appreciating the positive steps, but not interpreting or obsessing about anything else. Long way to go.

Mimi

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 345
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I agree that it is harder to detach while living with a WAS.

Feeling what you are right now is "normal". You are taking a ride on the emotional roller coaster.

You are doing what you can. It will get easier. There will be a time where you'll feel very confident and feel that you've made progress.

Then, you will find yourself backsliding and letting your mind go berserk.

You're on the right track!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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