NOTICE: In order to help the OnLine Community run more efficiently, we will be pruning the boards over the next few weeks. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them soon.
Page 4 of 11 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 10 11 >
Topic Options
#2222267 - 02/15/12 01:11 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: mimivac]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8403
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Hey I'm working on my get a life plan base on your template! Thanks
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2222270 - 02/15/12 01:14 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: labug]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Glad to hear it, labug! Would love to hear about your progress as it would inspire me to get going as well. So far, I've been going out with friends once a week or more and I have a cultural event scheduled for Friday by myself. I am also going to schedule a leg waxing (TMI, sorry!) and replenish my skin care products today. Onward!

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

Top
#2222274 - 02/15/12 01:19 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: mimivac]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Mimi - I may just use your template as well. I need some structure REALLY bad.

Btw, you and I live in the same area, only I'm in PG. We got take-out last night because I knew any restaurant in DC was going to be packed.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2222283 - 02/15/12 01:42 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: RoRoinMD]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Let's all journal our progress on GAL to inspire each other. I always love hearing the wonderful things others are doing and it really helps me get out of my own shell. I also have a blog where I talk about my activities and include pictures to gain momentum.

Ro, restaurants are not only packed, but also really pricy on V-day. But I am still glad my girlfriend and I "celebrated" our singlehood by getting drinks and appetizers. Plus by sitting at the bar, we got happy hour prices instead of V-day prices.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

Top
#2222294 - 02/15/12 02:00 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: mimivac]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2741
Loc: VA
Hey Mimi, I think you are detaching just fine, according to what you post here. You are doing great focusing on the positive (peaceful house) and not going off the handle at everything H says. It may not be a bad thing that he is out of the house. Mine is in the house, which others have told me is good, but on the other hand we're getting so good at detaching from each other and living our lives next to each other. I don't see him realizing what he's missing. Maybe yours will. He does seem conflicted.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
#2222307 - 02/15/12 02:22 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: adinva]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Thanks, Ad. Good point about H possibly realizing what he's missing. I think that was part of his rationale for leaving in the first place -- he wanted to see if it would jolt him into being happier in the M. I thought that was simplistic and that it wouldn't make our problems miraculously disappear. And it hasn't. But it does give me some peace and the time and space that H wants.

The thing is, he is also dealing with depression (seeing a pych. for it) and, I believe, somewhat of a MLC at the same time. The things he says he wants to do (things that "can't" include me) are things that we used to do when we first met at age 22 -- have our own space, write, go out with friends every night, have very few responsibilities, etc. I feel he is seeing things through a very distorted lens right now, but other than joining him in MC, I can't do very much about that. He says that he will be miserable whether he leaves me or not. That's depression talking. He needs to become mentally well before any R can work between us. So, what can I do but detach and GAL at this point? I am not a patient person so this is hard.

Despite his texts to me that he is "utterly alone," etc., I expect to hear at MC this afternoon that he is better off alone, away from me. I am trying to have zero expectations, but it's not easy.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

Top
#2222312 - 02/15/12 02:33 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: mimivac]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2741
Loc: VA
It sounds like his treatment for depression needs tweaking. If he'll be miserable with or without leaving you, why add leaving you into the mix? He's not being rational, and your attitude about it sounds very healthy. Not that you're happy about it, but you're recognizing that it doesn't have much to do with you. Part of DBing is to use the opportunity to fix in you what needs fixing. Do you have any idea that you might have contributed to what's going on with him, or exacerbated it, or responded ineffectively to it? From what I've read so far, it doesn't sound like it, but look inward anyway. It's very empowering to know that you can grow and improve from this kind of a personal setback.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
#2222597 - 02/16/12 10:25 AM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: adinva]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
So, MC was actually really good yesterday. We cleared up some misunderstandings and defined some of our therapy goals. Whenever H has been curt and short with me, I've been thinking that he's angrily affirming his desire to be apart. It turns out that he's actually feeling guilty and afraid of my reaction, which translates into the shortness I'm perceiving as anger and surliness. That was good to know.

I also got some validation from our therapist that I'm a very independent person, which I think comes as a relief to H, since his most feared quality in a mate is neediness. Unlike the last session, when I could barely keep the tears at bay, this time we had a productive conversation and I was calm and confident. When the subject of my cancer diagnosis came up, H cried (he usually does when this is mentioned) and I realized how much he still cares.

H clarified that his goals in therapy are to tease out whether the problems in our marriage are things that can be worked on and fixed or whether they are too fundamental to repair and we will need to permanently separate. This was actually positive news because I have never heard him outline it so clearly, nor has he ever seemed to recognize that the problems may be fixable. He's always said, "it can't be fixed." So the fact that he even acknowledges that we could solve our problems and remain married is a huge step, IMO.

After the session he kissed me and then dropped me off at a metro to head home. I had a nice night by myself, eating my homemade steak with mushroom puree and relaxing in my comfortable home. Today will be pretty low-key. It's a rainy day, which I love for brewing a hot cup to tea and curling up with a good book. I just downloaded a book on how to be happy and thrive while living alone, so I will dig into that tonight. Tomorrow, I work at home and then will head to the city for my weekly cultural activity.

Hope everyone is doing great today. Ad, I am thinking about your questions above and will post about them when I have some insight. Thanks for posing them.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

Top
#2222637 - 02/16/12 01:04 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: adinva]
mimivac Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Washington DC
Originally Posted By: adinva
Do you have any idea that you might have contributed to what's going on with him, or exacerbated it, or responded ineffectively to it? From what I've read so far, it doesn't sound like it, but look inward anyway. It's very empowering to know that you can grow and improve from this kind of a personal setback.


Well, the big thing that I definitely contributed to was not taking care of our intimate relationship. I was going through cancer treatment and all the lovely side effects like temporary menopause ("chemopause") at 34 and baldness, extreme fatigue, sickness, etc. Sex was the last thing on both of our minds. I was reading advice from more experienced survivors that we shouldn't neglect this part of our relationship, but we didn't listen. H felt that it would be wrong to take pleasure from my body when I was so sick. I had no desire. I always figured that we would just get back to it when I was feeling better. Well, it never happened. The lack of physical intimacy eventually created emotional distance and after a while H decided that he was no longer sexually attracted to me. This hurt me a lot and I didn't push to fix the problem because I felt so humiliated and injured by this. H finally admitted in therapy that my cancer scar takes him right back to the pain and fear of my diagnosis. We haven't even begun to work on this yet. In the future I would never neglect my physical relationship. I never understood the saying, "use or lose it" more than I do now.

Another thing I have been guilty of is rationalizing our problems and not saying what I really mean. I knew that H was depressed about the relationship for months and I thought that if I was just cheerful enough and accommodating enough, he would get over it. I feared losing him so much that I was afraid to say that I was bothered by his attitude; that I didn't like when he stayed in a stony silent state with me all day. I never expressed my needs because I didn't think I could get them fulfilled. Now as the LBS, I am still not expressing my needs. Instead I am trying to move us toward a more conciliatory state first, but I don't know if that's the right approach. Our M is in such a delicate state right now that if I go full-barrel with why my needs are not getting met, it would overwhelm H and surely lead to a D. He would take that as evidence that we cannot fix our problems. I, however, think we can, so I am going slowly.

Certainly, if we come to the piecing stage I would want to address all of these things so that we can make our R a wonderful place to be. I hope that I would accept no less from him or myself.

Mimi
_________________________
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12

Top
#2222658 - 02/16/12 01:50 PM Re: Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help [Re: mimivac]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2741
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: mimivac
Another thing I have been guilty of is rationalizing our problems and not saying what I really mean. I knew that H was depressed about the relationship for months and I thought that if I was just cheerful enough and accommodating enough, he would get over it. I feared losing him so much that I was afraid to say that I was bothered by his attitude; that I didn't like when he stayed in a stony silent state with me all day. I never expressed my needs because I didn't think I could get them fulfilled. Now as the LBS, I am still not expressing my needs. Instead I am trying to move us toward a more conciliatory state first, but I don't know if that's the right approach. Our M is in such a delicate state right now that if I go full-barrel with why my needs are not getting met, it would overwhelm H and surely lead to a D. He would take that as evidence that we cannot fix our problems. I, however, think we can, so I am going slowly.

I could have written this exact same thing myself. I've learned in this process that my pattern from childhood has been to suppress my unmet needs and go on cheerfully as if everything is fine. Why not - if I feel fine I am fine, right? Even now I'm having a really hard time coming out of my shell to express a need to H - this time because it seems pointless until he shows any interest in staying married. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to cut the losses and start over with my new wisdom with a new person, as a new person. But this is fantasy - I'll take my same me to my next R unless I start acting like the new me in this one.

I've also learned that H is afraid of feeling his emotions, and shows no interest in changing this. I was aware that I'd be going it alone if I had a death of a loved one or a serious health issue, or heaven forbid something happened to the kids - he is just emotionally not there. I knew that a long time ago and accepted it because that's what I do. I don't know if that's going to be OK for me anymore.

Your H sounds a lot more accepting of his emotions than mine, and quite a bit more verbal about them, but it sounds like he's somewhat in the same place as my H - confused, unhappy, just wanting everything to be different but not that sure what to do about it other than D as the first step.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
Page 4 of 11 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 10 11 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004