Labug, I am a list-maker so seeing all my goals spelled out makes the momentum stronger and gets me excited about this new, better life I will soon be living. Plus, it is so true that GAL helps you to not focus so much on your sitch and whether the R is going to work out or not.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Well, as I should be used to by now, the pattern continues. A few really good days followed by H's re-declaration that he wants to separate, that things between us have changed for the worse, etc., etc. At this point, I barely find myself reacting.
After a very good weekend together, H came home after work yesterday morose and moody. I could tell right away when he walked through the door. I was in the kitchen happily making beef stroganoff and my heart sank just a little, but I was determined to not let him ruin my night. He seemed to be trying to be upbeat at first, asking me how my day was and making a little conversation. I asked if he wanted me to make him pasta or rice with his steak and he said, "don't bother" in this depressed way, and I knew he was not feeling it.
After dinner, he turned off the television and just started staring at me. Ugh. I hate that because it is always the precursor to some unpleasant conversation or announcement. I didn't jump the gun as I would have in the past, and let him bring it up. Then it came: "I'm thinking of staying elsewhere this week." Honestly, it was too difficult for me to be positive or affirming about this (and it would have been weird to be, IMO), so I just stayed silent. He then started saying how scared he was and I asked him why -- he said it was because things were "so uncertain." I tried to validate these feelings and said that we would have to live with some uncertainty for a while.
Now usually this would have ruined my whole night. I would have stayed on the couch crying and unable to move. This time, I sat with H for a little while and then got up to take a hot shower and then blow-dry and style my hair (This is huge. I would usually rather have crazy hair than blow dry it. LOL). Then I washed my face and moisturized (one of my goals is to consistently take care of my skin) and sat in bed reading with a glass of wine. H came to bed and read, too. We didn't speak of the R for the rest of the night.
Being really honest, I would really not mind if he moved out again this week. I don't mind being alone and I'm getting wary of H sitting around with his doom and gloom attitude and fatalistic conversation. I just want peace and happiness. This morning, H was on his way to the doctor's to get a liver ultrasound. I kissed him good-bye and said that I was sure the test would be normal. He seemed to really appreciate that.
So tonight I go out with a single girlfriend for V-day and this Friday I am planning to go see a free performance of a Commedia dell arte version of Romeo and Juliet. I will also buy some new skin care products and book a spa treatment. Trying to take care of myself as best as I can through this. We have MC tomorrow. One day at a time.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Mimi, you're doing great. You're showing such strength. I'm sorry for what he's going through and how it's affecting you, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks, Ad. I am trying. He just called to tell me about his ultrasound. I reassured him that taking several pictures was normal. Then I mentioned that I would be late coming home tonight and he said, "That's OK, I won't be there." (after asking who I was going out with, etc.).I guess he has found a place to stay and is moving out today. Despite the fact that I KNEW it was coming, I still got upset (not on the phone to him, but after I hung up). I guess he'll be at the same place he was before, but he didn't bother to tell me where, how long, or anything else. I didn't ask. I feel that despite the positive things in our R since the bomb, he hasn't budged on his belief that we need to separate and that our problems cannot be solved. Sigh. I will live with this. Thanks for the great support.
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
I know GM. Argh. I just realized that he is moving out on Valentine's Day. How appropriate. Well, I guess I can say that for V-day I got a peaceful house and quiet atmosphere all to myself.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Well, yesterday was interesting, I guess. Went for V-day with my single girlfriend. I was relaxing and having a drink at the bar when H started texting me. At first he told me that he was out with clients and that the view of the city from the rooftop bar was great. I waited a bit and texted back that I was out, too. He then surprised me by texting, "I feel utterly alone." I said that I was sorry. He wrote back, "It's OK. It's instructional. I'm sorry I've let you down." I wrote back that I knew he was doing the best that he could right now (I truly believe that). He later wrote that the charge on our credit card for the client dinner would be expensed, so I don't have to worry about it. I didn't respond back since he was only relaying information.
The rest of the evening turned out pretty interesting since President Obama and his wife decided to have their V-day dinner at the restaurant my girlfriend and I were hanging out at. LOL. That's DC for you. When the street gets blocked off and secret service agents are suddenly swarming the place, you know someone important is in the area.
So, all in all not a bad night. I am trying to GAL, but I am still so involved in my H and what he is saying and doing. I have to say, though, it felt good to come home to my warm house after dinner and sleep in my own bed without having to worry about H's bad mood or when he's going to come home, etc. etc. I guess I need to continue working on detachment. Anyone have any tips on that?
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
LOL, labug. They certainly wouldn't let us get near enough to hear such a thing if he did!
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
