Suddenly Separated in VA -- need your help

[mimivac]

Hello,

I have been reading the forums for about two weeks, and thought I would take the plunge and post. So many of you have extremely helpful advice, and I hope that when I get through this, I can help others out, too. But first thing's first:

My H dropped the bomb on 1/08/12, saying that he loved me very much, thought very warmly of me, but didn't feel for me "things that he should." He thought that moving out would help him to clarify the issue in his mind, and he did so on 1/18/2012, despite my pleading and reasoning (mistake #1, I know). As soon as it happened, I began to research and came upon MWD books and this site. I immediately ordered 3 of her books and have read DB, DR and am currently reading "Change your Life."

We have been married 10 years that we both agree have been mostly very happy. However, things have been rough in the last few years. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. H took care of me during that time and kept most of his feelings of fear to himself. I encouraged him to join a caregivers support group, but he didn't think it was necessary. A little background: H's father died of cancer when H was 19, and my cancer brought back many painful memories and feelings of guilt about his dad. Another milestone is that we bought a second home, a weekend place that we had talked about for a while, back in July of 2011. This coincided with a bout of depression for H. He agrees that the sense of crushing responsibility he had during my cancer treatments only intensified with the purchase of this new property. He began to feel trapped.

He is now seeing a psychiatrist who is helping him a great deal, and last week we had our first session with a MC. He seemed very good and I was encouraged. However, H is not hopeful of a reconciliation. He believes that things have changed between us and that they cannot go back to where they were. Although we continue to be best friends, he is finding pleasure and relief in our separation, since the issue is no longer in his face. To tell the truth, I am finding some relief in being away from him as well. In the last few weeks, he would say things like "we won't be able to make it," "we'll never get to the other side," and "you don't want to be married to me feeling the way I do," over and over. It was becoming very stressful. He also told me that he could no longer be "responsible for someone else" or "in the confines of a marriage."

Since reading DR, I have stopped pursuing him. I do not initiate contact and respond in an upbeat way when he does. I have backslid a bit, but have done pretty well so far. He calls and texts often and his depression seems to have lifted a little. I am also working on GAL -- going out with friends more often, making plans to join a gym, getting my hair done, etc. I need to do more of that. Things are not looking good right now. I feel that we are just friends at the moment, but maybe that is what needs to happen to get through this. We are going up to our second home tomorrow to take care of some things and I dread being alone with him all weekend, knowing that he is so hopeless about our life together.

Any advice? Thanks so much.

_______________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[kml]

Wow hon - so so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Dealing with cancer is just when you need your partner most - it [censored] that because of his own fears, he can't stand with you better than this.

Some guys in this situation seem to fear the possibility of loss so much, that they'll run away rather than risk you dying on them.

He does sound depressed, and it's important for you not to argue with him, but gently point out that people can and do get "that feeling" back - that it is normal in a marriage to go through times when the feeling waxes and wanes.

And for you - not to be the bearer of bad news, but - be aware that more often than not, the is another woman in the equation. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be saved - but just be aware, if things aren't adding up, that there may be such a reason.

[mimivac]

kml, you hit the nail on the head. He is terrified of my death and has enormous guilt over the death of his father (his mother asked him to drop out of college to take care of him, and he didn't). I have gently (and maybe not so gently) told him that "that feeling" can come back. He doesn't believe it and doesn't like me to tell him that. His thought is that once gone, it's gone forever. He's asked me if I would stay with him if we were never intimate again. I've stopped all talk of the R since he feels the need to flee and has left the house. I am doing LRT, I guess.

As for another woman, I would be very surprised, but I was also shocked that he would actually leave, so.... Do I ask him that or just leave it alone for now?

Thank you so much for reading.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[BFloat]

i'm so sorry you have to deal w/ all this! but hopefully the people here can provide you with some support.

i understand what you mean when you say you felt relief w/ H moving out. my H i think feels very much like yours. just doesn't think things will ever work out. doesn't want the responsibility of a marriage. just wants to be alone. it's the typical speech. so it is less stressful because you are no longer having to deal w/ his emotions and only have to deal w/ your own.

hang in there!

[mimivac]

barely, exactly. Although I miss him very much, I don't have to deal with the constant negative attitude and that is more comfortable for me.

Tonight he called and I told him I contacted our real estate agent to sell our weekend home. He seemed sad about that and asked, "is this what we should really do?" I said, "well, what else can we do?" Then one of my good friends called and I said I had to get off the phone. He sounded very sad. He's coming to pick me up tomorrow morning to go to our house. Please wish me strength.

Mimi

[mimivac]

We didn't actually go to the house today, but hung out in our condo. He brought his suitcase and unpacked, so I guess he's staying for a bit. He's leaving for a business trip on Wednesday, so I suspect he'll stay here until then. We have MC on Tuesday. Didn't talk about the R at all. He is acting pretty neutral, neither good nor bad -- friendly, I guess.

Although I haven't been expressing it, I feel so hurt that he could give up like this. I feel like crying. Given that he has asked for time and space, I am continuing to act upbeat, and not mention the R unless he brings it up first. Sometimes I long to be alone so I can do what I want and not worry about his every sigh or silence. I need to detach a bit and do more GAL activities.

How do you keep from analyzing every little thing and getting upset when you are with the WAS? I feel stronger when he's not around.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[adinva]

Hi Mimi, sorry for what you're going through. You're doing the right thing by not pursuing and letting him sort through his feelings on his own. If his feelings come back over time it will be more meaningful to him than if you tell him they'll come back. It's not something you can tell him and he'll believe. I am in the same boat. I feel quite sure it's possible to be back in love, even maybe in a better way, if you let it happen. My H doesn't believe that and thinks we should end things rather than waste time working on them. And it's also possible my H has someone else in the wings too. I don't see that as relevant because we have our own problems at the root of this. Is there anything you can look at doing differently in the future? Is there anything you could think of that contributed to the breakdown? Knowledge and acceptance of your role gives you power to make things different, and things being different is key to H believing it makes sense to come back.

[mimivac]

Adinva, thank you for the support. I do think you're right that pursuing him and telling him that those old feelings will come back does not work, and in fact has the opposite effect. H has told me that he feels very frustrated and alienated from me when I do that. He needs to come to those feelings on his own.

As for my own part in the disintegration of the marriage, I definitely agknowledge my role. I let our intimate relationship flounder, thinking, "oh, we'll get it back later." Big mistake. For a lot of men, including my H, the intimate relationship is representative of the level of emotional closeness. I should have recognized that earlier and taken action. Now it almost seems that it is too late.

I have also had a hard time allowing H time and space before jumping in with a talk or a complaint. Although we've never had a contentious relationship, there was some of that going on, on my part.

In the future, I would accept H's way of being and communicating, while also gently doing my part to preserve and cultivate our intimacy and emotional closeness. Hmmm, that sounds too vague. I will have to think of more concrete
actions.

Right now I am surprised that H is sitting next to me on the couch reading the relationship book our MC recommded. That has to be a positive step, right? I will refrain from asking him about it until he wants to discuss. Sometimes it is so hard to bit my tongue.

Adinva, I wish you great success in your journey. I am off to read your thread.

Mimi


__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[mimivac]

Journaling: well, this weekend had its ups and downs. H was around the whole time (he has moved out, but is staying with me for a few days because of car repairs), and we generally got along as well as usual, except that he was not physically affectionate the way he used to be. Last night, he informed me that he had been invited to a superbowl party and then left. Didn't say where he was going, who would be there, when he would be back, or anything. At first, I was hurt. I wasn't invited and H didn't even think he needed to give me any basic information. It's like he's decided he no longer has any responsibility toward me or the marriage. He comes and goes as he pleases.

Then I remembered that we are separated because H wants time and space and isn't sure that he wants to be "in the confines of a marriage." So, his actions are consistent with that, and I need to GAL instead of analyzing and worrying about what he is and is not doing. When he got home I was in bed and he came to sit next to me and talk about the puppy bowl of all things. I'm glad I didn't complain about his not inviting me, etc. It was much more pleasant that way.

I am realizing what GAL really is. I think I had been confusing it with LRT. I am doing OK with LR -- not initiating any contact, but being friendly and upbeat when H does. But I kind of sat around all weekend, waiting for what H was going to do instead of getting on with my own things. This week my goal is to really examine how I want to improve myself and make a list of all the interests that I have put off pursuing and start slowly exploring them. I live in an urban area where there are tons of free lectures, concerts, exhibits, shows, etc. I always said I was going to take advantage of these things but never did. This week I will start. I want my life to be full and vibrant, with or without my H.

Thanks for reading. This site is an inspiration to me.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12

[mimivac]

Journaling again: Well, it seems like my LRT is paying off a bit. Last night when H came home from his superbowl party (to which I wasn't invited, but I cheerfully wished him "have fun"), he wanted to talk (not about the R, just random stuff). I was pleasant, but let him know that I was tired and going to sleep. Then I noticed that he sat next to me in bed and continued reading the relationship book that our MC recommended.

We usually take the same bus to the city on our morning commute, but this morning I said that I was taking a later bus so that I could enjoy a cup of tea and some reading time. He seemed a little preplexed, and said, "are you sure?" He just called me at work to ask why I didn't want to take the same bus with him. I reiterated that I was enjoying my tea and book and left it at that. Then he wanted to talk about what he was learning in the relationship book. He says that it is helping him to see his patterns, but then asked "what do I do with that information?" This has always been H's problem with traditional psychotherapy. He is very good at understanding the underlying issues, but not so great at finding a productive way solve the problem. In fact, he is usually hopeless that there even IS a solution, even in the face of a nuanced understanding of the problem (this is his thinking about our R problems). The fact that he is even asking what he should do with his patterns is good news, IMO. It makes me think he is moving toward thinking about solutions rather than being mired in hopelessness.

Remembering my LRT, I did not become overly enthusiastic. After all, he has not said anything specific about the R, and we are still speaking relatively abstractly. I said, "well, I think the next step might be to find a positive and productive way to deal with those patterns. The second part of the book discusses that." Then he asked what I was doing this evening and said he didn't have any plans. I didn't make a comment about this and we hung up on a friendly note.

I am encouraged, but cognizant that this may not mean much. He is exploring right now, but not ready to make any declarations. I am aware that this may take a long time, so I am not jumping the gun. One of MWD's books talks about staying the course in the face of success. She says that as soon as we see any signs of progress, we are tempted to go back to our old ways. I have to admit, I was tempted to jump right into R talk and try to initiate a reconcilation, but I know that can be disastrous. What I am doing is getting postitive results and I will continue doing it until there is a definite and unmistakable sign that H is ready to reconcile. Then we talk about about deeper issues and get into problems, etc. Right now, I need to be strong and continue LRT and GAL.

Speaking of, I am off to look for some free cultural activities in my area.

Mimi

__________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12