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#2219418 - 02/06/12 09:26 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: Nblost]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
YES NB, it IS how ow makes them feel.

Just the other night we revisited why the A happened. It's far enough away from it all to be able to have those conversations in an autopsy type of approach. He said that basically I made him feel....yes "You made me feel like I couldn't do anything right." Then he told me about how he would go to work and she would tell him how wonderful he was, how he handled that employee, how good he was when he had to discipline......and all he was hearing from me was .....Geeeeeeze, he couldn't even give me examples. Re-write history? I agree with NB's IC, "so simple."

So recently H tells me that I don't pay enough attention to him sexually. For past three weeks I've been dealing with some hormonal issues....not exactly focused on sex. Sigh.....a little hand-work every morning does wonders. SO SIMPLE! It's so simple it almost seems boring.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2219419 - 02/06/12 09:28 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
As Abbey (where are you girlfriend?) would say, they'd be willing to give it its own zip code.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2219571 - 02/07/12 12:10 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
KarenR Offline
Member

Registered: 04/12/06
Posts: 477
Hi Abbey,
Unfortunately your situation is all too common. It is very difficult to walk away from a marriage you were happy in and there are children involved. Please don't give up, as I see so many couples come back from infidelity and have a successful relationship. It is a process...and there are things you can do, and say that can make a positive difference...so, before you go it alone, I highly suggest you talk to one of Michele's coaches, as they are experts in sorting this out and helping you come up with a plan that can start your marriage back on the right track.
good luck!
_________________________
Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.

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#2219677 - 02/07/12 05:08 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: MynameisMZ]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1046
Loc: California
Thats true, MZ, the relationship with the OW is always to make them feel good. I remember reading smewhere that people don't remember what you said, or even what you give them, but they do remember how you made them feel!

My H said the same thing - I made him feel inadequate, I criticized, he felt that he was always wrong. He did not know what to do to make me happy. He needed someone to side with him, and OW was there to listen and commiserate.

I told him .... I am not the enemy. In fact, whatever he does, I will always be by his side.
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2219685 - 02/07/12 05:55 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: angel61]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
angle61...This has been HEAVY on my mind. I woke upthis morning thinking about it.

So, I asked H.

MZ: "Honey? HOW did I make you feel inadequate?"
H: "What brought THIS on?!"
MZ: "I've been thinking about the changes I've made and wondering if I need to make more."
H:"I can't give you any specifics right now, but I will think about it, OK?"

Stay tuned!
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2219701 - 02/07/12 06:39 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: MynameisMZ]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1046
Loc: California
Abbey, sorry for the hijack, but who knows, you might pick up a thing or two from the lively discussion here.

MZ, have you read the book "how to improve your marriage witout talking about it" by love and stosny? It will give you an idea how we make men feel inadequate and like failures. Sometimes, just asking for something (like affection, understanding) can make them feel so. And we are trying to make them aware of our needs, but they think it is a criticism of their inability to make us happy.

It does seem silly but when I read it, it did make sense.
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

Top
#2220194 - 02/08/12 11:34 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: MynameisMZ]
Endeavour Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/11
Posts: 323
Hello Abbey,

I've been following your threads for awhile now but haven't actually posted to you prior to today. My H had a year long A but ironically when I first began reading your threads, I had no idea I too would be dealing with infidelity someday.

We are piecing now and I will tell you that recovery is not easy so I can imagine to some degree the heartbreak and uncertainly you must be dealing with right now. My heart goes out to you.

Anyway, from my recollections of your posts, you have worked on yourself, you've GAL'ed, you've shown your H what he would be missing if he chose to leave the M, and yet his A continues. I've always got the impression that DB'ing your M is at least in part about doing what works which is why there's a LRT when nothing else does. I'm assuming this is because sometimes you can follow all the DB rules and nothing will change in your M.

I've done a lot of reading about infidelity since discovering my H's A. (He ended it prior to exposure and the A was exposed by the ow). Anyway, I think that perhaps you are dealing with a cake eater. Your H is getting some of his needs met by you and some by ow. I'm assuming you're meeting more of his needs, or he would already bombed you or left for ow at this point. But he hasn't and I think you have more power than you realize.

One thing that my H said since the A was exposed that really made me pause is that he knew if I found out about the A that I would not stay in our M if he chose to continue the A. He knew that about me. That if he wanted our M to survive, that ow had to go. I believe we've all made mistakes in our M's and that's why were here. Actually, no M is perfect because there are no perfect people but in one way or another, we do teach people how to treat us. This is my opinion so take it as you will because I don't know you but your H knows you and right now, he absolutely believes you will stay in the M while he's having an A. I think that's probably why he's cake eating and perhaps believes it can go on indefinitely or at least until he makes a decision.

I'm not saying you should confront him or that confronting is either good or bad. I think it depends on the situation, how long the A has gone on and the circumstances surrounding it. However, I do know without a doubt that if I knew about my H's A while it was going on, I would have confronted him and I would have let him know that I could not and would not be in M with three people. Not as an ultimatum but simply because that's one of my boundaries. I could not knowingly be the wife of some woman's (and I use that term loosely) boyfriend.

Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ


I'm unpopular sometimes because I don't necessarily agree with not confronting. By going along and not bringing it out in the open is contributing to the secrecy and thus the intensity. I wasn't an am not interested in being a silent threesome.

I didn't come to these boards until the A had been over for 5 months. I've told it before and I will tell it again. BEFORE I knew about DB, I had strong suspicions that my H's EA was more than that. And YES, he did deny it. I do believe now that my confronting him and ow set in motion the demise of their A. I would do it all over again. That is just me. I like DB because it addresses what needs to change in both partners. But hold that thought.....

I just knew I wasn't going to be able to live in a M where I wasn't the one he was completely devoted to. I also knew that confronting him and ow could possibly lead to his choice to leave. I was ready for that to happen. I guess what I am saying is that you will get to a point where you need it to change. Sounds like you are gearing up for that.



Yes, to all of the above.

Secrecy is a big part of A's. My H told me that if I had exposed the A at any time (not that I could have because I didn't know about it), he would have ended it because deep down he knew it was an R based on lies and deceit. He said exposure would have forced him to face this fact a lot sooner. Obviously my circumstances are different but my point is that it's not always so black and white. But in my case having the A exposed actually forced us to talk to each other with complete openeness and honesty and we moved very quickly to piecing. All the card were on the table and there were no more secrets. It's amazing how quickly we reconnected once we dealing with truth. Bear in mind, I did DB to the best of my ability for 4 months before it came out and H realized I was open to forgiveness and a new and better M so it couldn't have happened with out DB.

Anyway, I'm sharing my experience in the hope that you will take from it what you need. I wish you luck, Abbey.

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#2220197 - 02/08/12 11:40 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: Endeavour]
Endeavour Offline
Member

Registered: 04/25/11
Posts: 323
I apologize for the typos above as I hit reply by accident before proof-reading.

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#2220542 - 02/10/12 12:51 AM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: Nblost]
AJM80 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/10
Posts: 304
Abbey, Abbey - how's it going? Thinking of you. Hope you feel better. smile Kind of hope your H's heart is bleeding out on the floor of your living room, too, but only because he's an a$$ for still doing this crap. It's been almost 2 years since my H started cheating, but we've been separated since a few weeks after I found out.

Remember that amazing feeling, post breakup (think waay back), when the downward momentum of a bad relationship/emotions stopped and suddenly you realized that you were on an upswing and getting looks when you're out and about? I hope you getthat feeling sometime this year, with or without your husband. I agree with a lot of the last few days worth of posts - you deserve better than this.

Can't tell you how or who will get you there, though. Only you can decide if you'll confront him or keep the status quo. My only continued piece of advice is to live as happily as you can, but protect yourself financially/emotionally by having an escape plan in place, if things get weird.

A fluff post, but full of lots of love to you. I bought our spring garden seeds today. We're moving to our 1st house in a few weeks! Gotta get them started so that the kids have veggies to eat right out of their own garden.
_________________________
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem

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#2220960 - 02/11/12 10:20 AM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: Endeavour]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Endeavor,

THANK YOU! I'm in a snarky mood, so be fair warned. ......

"I do know without a doubt that if I knew about my H's A while it was going on, I would have confronted him and I would have let him know that I could not and would not be in M with three people. Not as an ultimatum but simply because that's one of my boundaries. I could not knowingly be the wife of some woman's (and I use that term loosely) boyfriend."

Ahhhh...someone agrees with me! Yay. Endeavor, you explain your limits so well. I was there too. Every M is different, every A is different, so you have to assess for yourself what will be needed. Like you, I didn't know for a long time. I denied it, thinking I was paranoid, thus ignoring all the clues. Even asked him and since I thought we were strong, believed him when he denied it. Asked for a better R and M. He just kept up the A. Even texted her from our hotel bed at 5 AM while we were on a vaca to improve our M! After ML to me!
It wasn't until it was on its outs that I woke up and couldn't ignore the clues. He was dropping them unconsciously on purpose....I really believe that. He needed me to help get him out of it. AND he had my attention then too. Stopping the A would have risked losing that attention. So, beware of a man's need for nurturance and attention. They really ARE SO SIMPLE as NBlost's IC pointed out to her.

....which leads me to Angel.....

Angel,

Yes, that book is on my bed side table. Explains a lot! I am amazed at how his shame is so right there. I vented this AM in Keeping Changes Going or some such thread. Even my saying something out loud or adding to something he's said gets reconstituted as me disagreeing with him, dissing him, complaining...blah blah blah....I'm exhausted.

So, yes to what Endeavor says, piecing is HARD work. Harder when you BOTH need to change. One person can only do so much. Really! I know the premise for DB, it's solution based and one person making changes does effect the "system." Sigh, but when the H does crappy behavior day-in and day-out and there is no change despite your best DBing efforts, it can lead to burn-out. You are only human.

And so to you Abbey19...I stand behind what I've said all along. I refused to be a part of the A by maintaining its secrecy once I found out the truth..
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
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