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kolja Offline OP
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First thread here

Well, looks like I hit 100 on the first one.

The story so far: it's been about 2 months since my wife said she wanted a divorce. I've seen her actually probably only once in the past month, but we communicate a few times a week by text (it's long been her preferred mode).

While I absolutely don't want a divorce, I had to cut her off the joint account after she'd cleaned it out with frivolous spending (she hasn't worked in over a year). But interestingly, immediately after having done that, we were able to agree to a monthly support plan that I could afford and that's allowed us to stop fighting and arguing about it. While our communication now is still about divorce papers and her moving out, it's not hostile or argumentative.

She says she's done the paperwork online (which as I said in my previous thread I find an abhorrent concept) and just needs to have it notarized. She's been packing up her things at the house this week while I've been at work. I may even help her load up Monday afternoon (I asked if there was anything I could do for her, and that's what she came back with...). Looks like the cats, one of which was hers before we met and the second "we" adopted, will stay here for now; she doesn't think she'll be able to have them for now wherever it is she's living. But truth be told, I don't mind the fuzzy little companionship smile

Her sister and mother have both reached out and are supportive of me and the marriage; they and the marriage counselor my wife and I saw twice strongly suspect depression or some other mental health issue may also be at play in all our ups and downs - not to deflect any responsibility for my own missteps and the things I've needed to learn and work on.

In the meantime, I'm physically active (lifting, swimming, biking, working toward a half marathon, skiing), work is actually going well. Re-engaging some old interests I haven't been able to partake in due to moving and deployments, and continuing to learn from the ways I've contributed to the mess we're in now.

Thanks to everyone who helped on the last thread, and thanks in advance for continued help in the future...


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
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Hey Kolja, just read up on your situation. Hope you're doing well. Is your wife aware of her depression? What do you think brought that about?

Hang in there, man. It's wonderful that you are becoming more active physically. How are you coping or improving on the mental/emotional front? That's equally, if not more important too.

Cheers.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
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Originally Posted By: kolja

In the meantime, I'm physically active (lifting, swimming, biking, working toward a half marathon, skiing), work is actually going well. Re-engaging some old interests I haven't been able to partake in due to moving and deployments, and continuing to learn from the ways I've contributed to the mess we're in now.


Nicely done here - I can learn from this approach!


God heals the broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3)

Me: 44
W: 40
Separated 8/2011

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kolja Offline OP
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She's aware enough of it to have mentioned it a couple times. Once to me (last January) and once in counseling. But after two counseling visits together and two by her to an individual counselor, she decided none of it was helping and has since resisted / not sought any treatment. She has rarely since I've known her slept well and is prone to migraines, but a suggestion that she ask an MD about the possibility of poor sleep and depression brought a screaming, hostile response.

Before there were problems with us, she was unhappy with her job. When she finally quit, she was happy for a couple weeks but then unhappy again, and this time because of me. Whatever was already there was exacerbated when I got arrested for DUI (later reckless driving) - her absentee first father and her first husband both had SEVERE drug and alcohol dependency issues and so I think I may have triggered a lot with that. There were of course other issues (i much later have come to learn that without even being aware of it i could come off condescending, controlling, correctin and disrespectful) but that's always been the first thing she mentions even though it's been about a year ago. By now even the state and the navy have forgiven me.

Emotionally, I have my down days but not for long. I have a few friends who I'm sure would privately just as soon see me move on but are, at least when talking to me, supportive. Ive been talking to Chuck from the Divorce Busting Center and a local counselor here. Like I said her sister and mom have been supportive which is helpful emotionally even though there's not much they can do right now. Among other things to keep my emotional state in check, I practice the 'emotional stop sign' that Michele mentions in DR (she mentions it in the context of dealin with infidelity but I use it to stave off negative emotions in my own situation). My rule is I only allow thoughts of bitterness, betrayal, self pity or anything like that to linger when I'm running (and only then because it makes me run faster!) otherwise I consciously stop and refocus on something positive. To help with THAT i try to acknowledge and be grateful for as much as I can no matter how simple. Had a nice swim or run? I allow myself to "bask" in it, for example.

I've read enough stories here to know that her filing doesn't have to write anything in stone. While I'd prefer to avoid it of course, I know other couples have gone down that road and farther and in some cases it was necessary to go trough that part of the process.


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 335
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kolja Offline OP
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Last night I learned from my sister in law that my wife had decided to take a job in Arizona. My wife was here this morning going through things of hers in the garage (she gave up on us so quickly that she never even really finished moving in). She hadn't mentioned anything about taking an out of state job, so I jus asked her about her job hunt. Turns out she hits the road Tuesday.

Its no more discouraging than the divorce itself I guess, but it does seem to impose a bigger obstacle to reconciling. It's also kind of astounding given how close she's always been to her mom, sister and nieces.


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 13
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I'm no expert and DEFINITELY don't have all of the answers, but i feel for you, man. I was tossed out by my wife about a month ago - she too has mental health issues (bipolar disorder), and i can read between the lines to your pain. It's really hard to be with someone who is emotionally unwell. It tends to bring out the worst in us.

And people who are emotionally unwell also tend to make big decisions, like moving to AZ out of the blue, without giving much thought to the consequences.

Hang in there - I will be praying for you. It sounds like you Are doing good things, so keep it up!

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kolja Offline OP
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Thanks Yogoer.

She was just over again this morning to do some more packing up. It's hard to watch (and, while in the grand scheme of things it's minor, I'm totally not looking forward to trying to wrestle a mattress from the guest room back into the master bedroom...).

I guess it's a necessary part of our unique journey. Two friends in whom I confide, one who's met her and saw us when we were 'good' together, don't think her time down there will be very long. But, ironic as it sounds I'm looking forward to the move process being done so I can clean up and rearrange and have my home feel like home. Even if I AM hoping sooner rather than later we're moving her back in.

While she was here we were civil, even a little friendly. I helped her reach a couple high things she wanted to take. She asked if it was OK to leave a few things, which of course I said it was. She's left a lot of detritus (all sorts of random stuff she's just moved from place to place and hasn't actually looked at in years) in the garage she said I should just get rid of, but I told her I'd ask before doing anything with anything of hers. It's almost like she expects me to take anything of hers outside and start a bonfire. She has already said she'll be back sometime in the summer; she hopes that's when she can get the cats, and a few other things. It looks like that will be my next chance to show her a husband worth coming back to.

One thing Chuck, my DB coach, suggested in addition to offering to help her (a 180 of sorts) was to get her favorite candy or something like that. So I picked up some pistachios, which I know she likes and I figure would be a good road-trip snack, and will set them out for her when I leave for work tomorrow, the day she's going to come over and load up the u-haul. I'm planning on leaving a note too - not anything deep or romantic, just wishing her a safe trip and good luck with the new job. Even though she KNOWS this isn't what I want it seems like there could be some value in letting her know I still support her and believe in her.


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 335
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kolja Offline OP
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Well, her u-haul is all loaded and she was gone by the time I got home. There was just a little bit of a mess that should keep me busy the next few evenings and maybe weekends - nothing spiteful, no 'scorched earth' or anything like that. Just the normal sort of thing you see when someone moves out of a place. And working on squaring away the house will actually be kind of good for me.

There's stuff she couldn't take this trip - not the least of which is her cats. So we'll have to see each other again - which for me is an OPPORTUNITY of course. And in the meantime I have plenty of OPPORTUNITY for growth... and financial recovery!

While she's going to swing by tonight to have me sign some sort of divorce paperwork - which I'm absolutely NOT looking forward to - I couldn't help but notice that she did take a few pictures of us like one from a military formal we had gone to, and at least a couple wedding pictures. That actually cheered me a bit. While I know that I'LL be OK one way or another, this helps me feel like there's still a glimmer of hope for US.


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 345
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Kolja-

It must have been hard to come home to an "empty" house. Even though you knew this day would come and you prepared yourself the best you could, but seeing all the stuff gone must have been hard. Take this time to grow as a person and let her face the problems.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be."

I think it is a very good sign that she took pictures of both of you. It shows that she still cares. She might just need to take this journey, but I do hope that she'll come back to you!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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So sorry man. Hang in there and I admire your postive attitude!


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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