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#2206197 12/18/11 04:57 PM
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Shaky Offline OP
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I got the the bomb end of August. Same speech as I've read here many times.

I'm 42 years old, she is 41. I've been married 15 years, together 20 years.

2 kids, a boy 9 years old and a girl 6.

We both work full time jobs. She became a manager about 3 years ago and her job is much more demanding and stressful. I own a business with my best friend from high school for the last 15 years.

Both of our parents are happily married and we all get together during the holidays, birthdays, etc.

For me this was so far out in left field I was dumbfounded. I've always thought our marriage was pretty good overall. We both have hobbies that don't include one another and the rest of the time we are together dealing with family life.

I now no lack of communication is the root of this sitch. On bomb day she said I take her for granted, am controlling and at this point she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but is not happy and hasn't been happy for a few years.

I immediately found this board and order the divorce remedy book and at first did the basic steps of no begging, pleading etc. Just gave her space like she asked. I started working on me. I'm back to running 3 miles a day Monday-Friday and lifting weights 3 times a week. I really feel great overall. Another area I'm working on is becoming the best dad possible. I think this was part of the taking her for granted as she has done way more overall with making sure the kids homework is done, etc. She has commented that she really appreciates me helping more with the kids.


So to get to the point we are at now:

We are in the same house.
We sleep together, no intimacy.
We have gone to marriage counseling for 4 sessions.
She has gone to individual counseling with the same counselor about 6 times.

I feel that overall things are getting better (no divorce talk) but it seems like there is no love from her. It seems like she would rather just live with the kids. When the therapist asks how we are doing with intimacy my wife says she can't do that right now and doesn't know why or when. In our first therapy session I said I would put no pressure on her for sex and just wait until she is ready but it would seem as I might be waiting awhile as it not important at all at the moment.

How do I get the passion back?


M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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Good to see you posting, Shaky. And congratulations on making the changes in yourself. Remember that these changes are for you and have no expectations that they will make your W "come back to you."

Your W, when asked, says she does not know why she is not "attracted" to you. This is important.

First, you may have read here that we should believe none of what the WAS says and only 50% of what they do. While this is true especially in LRT (last resort technique), this comes with caveats...

There are certain things, such as them asking for space, that we really should take at face value.

Anything that you do could be seen as pressure. That does not mean you do nothing. It simply means that you have no control over how she takes what you do. So do what you do, for you to be better. Keep what is good, become an even better version of yourself, and stop doing what isn't working.

We cannot mind read, so there is no way for you to know what your W might find attractive... what might attract her to you and fuel that passion... unless she tells you, and she states she does not know...

Stay focused on you, be the best person you can be, and have patience...

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Shaky Offline OP
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Journeling:

I'm thinking my next step should be to set up a date with just her and I. The old me would just ask her opinion about where she wants to eat and go with it. Seems as though she wants me to plan the evening. I know she wants something to look forward to, something she can put on her calender.

Why didn't she just ask in the past? I suck at mind reading. Maybe she was and I wasn't listening? Seems that is another area I need to work on.

I need more reading material. So far I have read DB and 5 love languages and know her love language is words of affirmation and giving gifts in the past was a waste of my time, lol. Any good idea's for words of affirmation?

So how do I address items in counseling sessions? I know we are there to go over issue's but she seems to be the one holding the cards. It is easier for me to say as little as possible as I'm overall happy with the marriage but if she is going to bash me, I feel the need to speak up and this seems to create a lot of tension for both of us.

Seems as though she wants me to change but thinks she has been a perfect angel this whole time. Yeah right, I've been to 4 sessions and each time after the sessions I keep thinking is it really worth it. There are times I would rather just be alone and just have to be in charge of my own happiness.

For now I will just get my emotional love from the kids, try to be as patient as possible and try a few 180's.

Feels good to get my thoughts out.


M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 68
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Shaky Offline OP
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To the top.

Need some idea's for books to read.


M 42
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S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted
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Hi Shaky, welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially!

What did you and your W used to do when you first fell in love, when you were having fun -- together?

What are your common grounds, the things that you both like?

When you have your 'own things' what are they?

You have so much hope...and your key is to REALLY LISTENING and RESPONDING to her.

"On bomb day she said I take her for granted, am controlling and at this point she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but is not happy and hasn't been happy for a few years."

Ask her, get her to open up and DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF. Get to the root of what makes her happy. The truth is, it isn't all your fault, but that position will not help you win. Let her get it out. It will be so worth it in the long run.


Besides DR, the other books recommended on this site deal with communication and building commonalities (love languages, learning each others needs) versus trying to get you to be 'more macho' and 'setting boundaries'. Both of those things can be good, but they are not your first line of defense and do not speak to the things you have just talked about.

So if WORDS OF AFFIRMATION are important to her, probably affection is as well. Compliments, and the way you give them, are important.

So, tell me some of the compliments you give to her. Say them EXACTLY as you say them to her.


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Not defending oneself when trying to learn what's going on is another thing I wish I'd known a while ago. It's good advice, that's for sure!

My counselor today loaned me "The Love Dare" (in addition to "Divorce Remedy"). I'll let you know how it is when I finish it!


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
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Welcome Shaky! I'm sorry that you're going through this, but you've come to the right spot to find encouragement and support! I have found that having a platform to 'vent' and 'make sure I'm on the right track' has been priceless. There are so many veterans here and they have great advice from their experiences.

In regards to her LL being words of affirmation (this is mine too) I can tell you what I always wanted/asked for from my H:
- Acknowledge when I did something that I didn't HAVE to do (ie: I would make him breakfast the night before since he didn't have a lot of time in the morning. I did this so often, that he thought it was just normal and never said "thank you")
- Compliment clothes/hair/perfume... something about how I look. Be specific as possible: "You look great tonight. There's no way anyone would think someone as sexy as you has two kids!"
- Catch me off guard and say 'I love you' when it's not expected.
**Keep in mind, that to WOA people, negative words are that much more devastating** So any critique or criticism in any way, shape or form is the same as a slap to the face. [I made dinner one night (and always expected to hear: 'this is great honey, thanks') my H said: 'um, it's ok. Maybe you could try not to burn it next time?' He didn't understand why I left the table very mad and didn't talk to him the rest of the night. Looking back, I didn't fully understand why I was so hurt- I just knew that I was really insulted.]

You got more that 2 cents worth smile
I hope that you continue to post and seek out guidance on this long journey.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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Shaky Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: dbmod
Hi Shaky, welcome to divorcebusting.com--officially!

Dbmod: Thanks for the warm welcome

What did you and your W used to do when you first fell in love, when you were having fun -- together?

Plan a trip away something like Las Vegas, go out dancing, dinner date.

What are your common grounds, the things that you both like?

We both like going to the beach, playing cards, vacations to Mexico, going on a cruise.

When you have your 'own things' what are they?

For me I like having my guy friends over or go out for the night. For hobbies I like to restore Mk4 Toyota Supra's 1993-1998 turbo.

You have so much hope...and your key is to REALLY LISTENING and RESPONDING to her.

"On bomb day she said I take her for granted, am controlling and at this point she wants space and doesn't know what she wants but is not happy and hasn't been happy for a few years."

Ask her, get her to open up and DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF. Get to the root of what makes her happy. The truth is, it isn't all your fault, but that position will not help you win. Let her get it out. It will be so worth it in the long run.

I will do this, I think I was just defending myself and not listening very well. I was in shock and not thinking clearly.


Besides DR, the other books recommended on this site deal with communication and building commonalities (love languages, learning each others needs) versus trying to get you to be 'more macho' and 'setting boundaries'. Both of those things can be good, but they are not your first line of defense and do not speak to the things you have just talked about.

So if WORDS OF AFFIRMATION are important to her, probably affection is as well. Compliments, and the way you give them, are important.

So, tell me some of the compliments you give to her. Say them EXACTLY as you say them to her.

That's the thing, I just found out she is all about Words of Affirmation and I'm having a hard time with the compliments but I need to work on this.


M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 68
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Shaky Offline OP
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Purgatory:

Thanks for the suggestions. I've been trying to think of ways to give her compliments without her thinking I'm trying to manipulate or control the situation to get what I want.

Things are looking up for me this week. W has been kissing me goodnight and telling me she loves me when she leaves. Lots of hugs as well. It seems very genuine and a step in the right direction. I'm going with the flow and still need to set a date night but with the holidays we are very busy right now.


M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
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Good job! You are doing something RIGHT!


So, she would not only need to be complimented but if you are critical, it will have more of an impact on her than other folks. Keep the positive to negative ratio very high.


Keep up the good work!


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