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jlove Offline OP
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I guess I have to understand that W kissing me and telling me where she is and what she's doing and accounting for time is a positive step that she's trying her own way.

I love her and do spend a lot of time alone with her, never really discussing our R. I am honestly very sexually frustrated and I think it's adding to my stress. It's not an excuse for any behavior, just the fact that it's the longest I've been without sex since I was 15 years old. I get that she's "not there yet," and I guess there's nothing I can do because I'm not considering an affair or anything (I have purposely avoided all women since this because I know I am weak there right now, and NO I have never cheated on my W).

I know I'm not alone here, so what have some of you who have gone wayyy longer than me done here. I think it may be a while longer before we reach that point and I want to save my marriage, so I'm asking for advice. I work out over 10 hours a week and that actually INCREASES my libido dramatically, so i need other avenues. Thanks. J


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

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Backslid a little today. I picked her up after going out with girlfriends last night and she was drunk and acting strange. Didn't say anything and we just went to bed when we got home.

This am I picked up her phone and noticed she had a FB IM from OM (they aren't friends anymore on FB). "I miss u, etc..."

After she woke up after sleeping it off, I confessed that I saw it and asked her about it. She was shocked and said they haven't had any contact in 2 months or so and she didn't know about it. I told her I was sorry for snooping and shouldn't have and asked her what we should do about it. She said she'd ignore it and I should too.

I said ok and I'd move on but that it was my fault and it opened old wounds again. It is my fault for snooping, but she didn't act mad and I told her I loved her and would let it go and she told me she loved me back which she hadn't done in a long time.

Even though I backslid, I finally handled it rationally rather then flipping out and causing another fight over that jacka"@


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

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Posts: 126
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jlove Offline OP
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OM was in her workplace again the other night. She said "you have nothing to worry about," and left it at that. I know she shouldn't be around him, but there's no way to stop from seeing im at times in the workplace. Sure this is common in other situations, I just have to trust her and move on there. She told me, I have to forget about that.

Retrouvaille is next weekend and I hope we have a breakthru there. Still keeping hope alive and most things seem better, but "when life looks like easy street, there is danger at your door."


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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We're going to Retrouvaille this weekend. I'm praying it helps and we make some progress here. It will be nice to just focus on R for 48 hours without distractions. We'll see.

I definately need love and physical contact back in my life and I told her the other night that I do and will not wait forever for it and that I deserved more and better. Kinda left it at that then all she really said was she couldn't fake it and thanks for being patient. My hormones have been screaming lately...


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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jlove Offline OP
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We got the confirmation calls from Retrouvaille the other night. She told the lady she was going to work on M and seems to be trying, so I guess that's good for now.

We went out last night and she was bragging to her friends about my abs and muscles that I've been busting my a(! for the last 5 months building and making me show them. That got me looking at other women and staring to think about what if I was single and stuff....just thinking, but as we've said before here, what happens when LBS decides to actually move on too. After a while of treading h2o, I guess those thoughts start to come.

Not there yet, by any stretch, but just had some of those thoughts. One thing for sure, I will never break my vows or get involved with anyone that's still M after this crap.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

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J - I'm pulling for you and your W and hope that your upcoming weekend with RTRV will provide the tools you two need to get on track and stay there.

I totally understand the sexual frustration you are dealing with. I'm in that same boat; 8 months now!! Just do your best to find other things to keep you mind occupied and your eye on the prize (restoration of your M).

I was looking back over your past several posts and see that OM is still attempting contact via FB. If your RTRV weekend proves successful, you may want to consider discussing with your W that in order to rebuild trust between the two of you that she must be completely transparent AND that she must cut off all contact with OM. This would include sending a letter or calling OM in your presence and demanding that he never contact her again. This is of course your call, but it would seem like a necessary next step if you are to get your R back to a healthy place.

Best of luck to you!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

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Originally Posted By: 2thepoint

I was looking back over your past several posts and see that OM is still attempting contact via FB. If your RTRV weekend proves successful, you may want to consider discussing with your W that in order to rebuild trust between the two of you that she must be completely transparent AND that she must cut off all contact with OM. This would include sending a letter or calling OM in your presence and demanding that he never contact her again. This is of course your call, but it would seem like a necessary next step if you are to get your R back to a healthy place.

Best of luck to you!


Thanks for the kind thoughts!!! She is not friends with OM on FB anymore, but he just sends her a message from time to time. I have discussed it with her before and she says she has not instigated them or returned them. 3 months ago, she sent him a reply that I read that she was working on M and for him to not contact her any further. He responded that he would honor her wishes, blah, blah, blah. But, he has sent her at least one more "I miss u, etc." since then. She claims it was the only one.

I agree, NO CONTACT is in order, and I had planned to ask her if Retrouvaille is successful to permanently block him from messages on FB, so if he does send her one, she'll never see it. I think she's trying her best. He does go into her restaurant from time to time, so that contact I don't know how to avoid but want to get to the place where she can tell me about it and tell him that it's over between them and to find someone else. i cannot force that, and for us to rebuild this, i will have to trust her and she will have to make those moves on her own.

She is looking for other work, so hopefully that'll end that. She is a Christian, and she knows what she did was wrong, so I think I have to let her walk those steps on her own, if that makes sense?

Thanks again!!!


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
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jlove Offline OP
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Well, tomorrow we go to Retrouvaille! I think my W is more nervous than me. She's been acting ok, just a little funny. I'm projecting I know, but I think she is actually a little scared it will work as she knows God can provide miracles.

I think in her mind when she had been selling herself on leaving, that she could justify it to our family that she had to be happy and they'd come around, but when she saw the hurt she caused D when she found out about OM, etc, she realized she fooled herself.

I think she's in a limbo land right now where she can't/doesn't want to leave or D, but was so far checked out on us and going back to us is a big step for her. I get that, and I may be mind reading, but I have known her for most of her life.

I don't really know what to expect at Retrouvaille this weekend, but just us 1 on 1 talking about us should be a huge step. We'll see.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

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Retrovaille is a good thing, a really good thing.

But keep the focus on what YOU can do to be a better partner and h and try not to stare at her for her reactions

don't take the temperature of the marriage either. First off it won't sink in til later anyhow and please make sure you do the follow up programs....

but don't stress those to your w atm, just get her there and she'll hear other couples who are happy together but have been to hell and back...let her hear it without you constantly checking in...okay?

So get what YOU can out of it for YOU and the work you do as a couple will be important listening work, and communicating in new, safer healthier ways.

I wish you luck and joy and am cautiously optimistic for you...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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Retro is tough.

Just to warn you.

But it is great and weeds out the weak in a relationship.

I mean it takes effort and you'll figure out who wants to do it

which is why some say do it at the right time

if you have someone not commited they will be out of there like a dog running from a flying hand at its rump.

don't put stock in it if it ain't the right time is my point ok?

get what you can out of it. YOU.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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