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#2217149 - 01/30/12 10:18 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: ~ kd ~]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
She has no move out date nor any plans to move out at this time. Neither of us can afford it by FAR. She says she doesn't want to hurt the kids, just needs her own space. just the fantasy that all will be well if we live apart and share custody 50/50. Then nobody will be hurt in the long run and the kids will have both parents. It's a fantasy, but it's not mine, so I dunno but know it won't work out that way. I know if she could just get out of the affair fog, which i think was lifting till they had contact again, we could begin to heal and piece. If they contact each other, it all starts over again, I know. We spend a ton of time together, but we rarely talk about our relationship or A etc. i'm done asking about OM, and trying my best not to spy, etc. That's the hardest part for me now, as i know her closest friends want them to be a couple so they can all party together more. That's part of the poison right now, that IMO needs to be broken. As they these friends work with her (not OM, but he's tight with them), if she gets new job, that mat help us there, but that's a ways off...
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2217310 - 01/30/12 06:53 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10308
Quote:
She has been LD even since kids, but used to be very active. She orgasms when we ML and likes it, but tells me she doesn't
.

I am trying to figure out why you would put this in the first paragraph of your thread but not mention you were an alcoholic until a later post. Can you help me see what's going on here?

Quote:
I am an alcoholic who has been sober 3 months since all this happened


Why did it take this to sober up? How many times has your drinking been an issue in the MR?

She said she hasn't loved you the last five years. What happened?

Quote:
We ML just 3 days prior to that and she orgasmed and enjoyed it???


Does a man have to feel in love to reach a climax? Neither does a woman.

So beside how many times per week you had sex, and pleasured her.....tell us what kind of H you've been to her.

What did the two of you like about each other when you M? What changed in the R?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2217471 - 01/31/12 11:00 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: sandi2]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
I'm torn and confused. Just ranting at times here. I fully understand that I'm at LEAST 50% responsible for these issues and have let W know this many times in last 3 months. I was just listing this out of confusion.

My drinking has been an issue in our R for 22 years, so it's been a constant. been trying to quit for at least 5 years on and off. I guess sometimes when faced with rock bottom, people sober up? I don't want to lose W and family, so in a sick way, all of this has been good for me health wise as I'm now in the best shape I've been in in almost 30 years.

Thanks for giving me perspective on the sex issue, good point. I was just in the mindset that my wife has said for years once a month was good for her, and we were ML at least weekly the last couple of months, so to go there and then find out EA is rekindled threw me.

I have been a poor husband/father for years due to my drinking and mental issues therein. I cannot change the past, but am working on the future now, if for no other reason, than myself and being a better father to my 3 kids.

We used to go out a lot, camping, hiking, outdoor activities, exercise, etc. Then came kids and our last son is disabled at birth, so that slowed us down the last 8 years somewhat. He has been one of the greatest blessings in our lives, but there will always be challenges there, so that may be a factor in R too. Although, he will always have to live with us, or if we split, one of us for the rest of his life and he's only 8 now. That's all for now. Thanks for the insight Sandi2!
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2217615 - 01/31/12 06:45 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Journal. Today was a pretty good day. As i'm recovering from alcohol, I told her this am that I apologize from the bottom of my heart for my drinking behavior the last 22 years. sandi2 got me thinking about this yesterday and i was going to then, but ended up giving her a 30 min massage at bedtime and didn't want to harm the tranquility of that moment and her drifting to sleep. My apology is a step i need to take for me anyway regardless of the future of us, i was a crappy hubby at times for years and i have to deal with that and make sure i break that. i walked away after i told her that, but i think she thought i was bringing up A or R again and i surprised her, i think. she told me no apology needed but it was accepted and then we had a good day. she is my workout partner for over an hour a day, so at least we share that right now. All for now, later
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2217909 - 02/01/12 03:42 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
So far today has been pretty good after an awful night. When she got home from work, she barely said 4 words to me before bed and I was having anxiety attacks all thru the night and hardly slept. I was crawling out of my skin in bed all night, but didn't say a peep. She slept soundly thru the night and am as I got the kids ready for school and then couldn't believe she never heard youngest son thruout the night when I was up with him. She is saying "we" and talking of the future together some today and I am in my 180 not addressing any M issues or chasing, but I'm still so confused and think she's a stranger to me in many ways right now and I cannot fathom what she's really thinking. She seems to be trying to build up some level of trust in me by talking about texts and emails/FB posting from friends that's she's reading, but after being let down by EA and finding them talking and messaging on FB last week, I don't have a clue about that stuff. I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that I cannot control her contacting OM, and this is one of the hardest things I'm dealing with, as if she would stop, I thin the fog may lift slowly and help us. All I can focus on now is me I guess and that's hard when you've been living with someone for 22 years! Like many of you here know. All for now, time to help with homework.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2218071 - 02/02/12 05:50 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10308
What type of support system are you in to help you with the drinking problem?

I'm sure you realize that your W will probably see your decision not to drink as some last ditch attempt to get her to R. If I had stayed 22 yrs with an alcoholic, I would be waiting for the other shoe to hit the floor at any time. If she's thinking you'll pick the bottle up again, then that's going to be extra pressure on you. That's another reason you'll need a strong support system, b/c she may not give you the encouragement you need, for fear it might mislead you to think she's changing her mind about the M and OM, etc.

You've passed on part, and that's knowing you can't control her talking with OM. Just as she couldn't control your drinking. So, now you have to focus on you and what you can control about yourself.

I've read other stories where men came to the same point you face, and they laid it down. You can do it.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2218088 - 02/02/12 07:56 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: sandi2]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: sandi2
What type of support system are you in to help you with the drinking problem?

I have been thru AA before, so working the steps. I can quit the drinking.
I think her A has gone underground now via FB messaging and limited face to face. if she is still in contact w OM, I don't see how our M is going to work and that's my main issue with my M. On "talk about marriage" site, everyone says I need to lay down final ultimatum, "give up all contact, give me passwords, etc or leave NOW." they talk about 180's and stuff, what does everyone think about this approach? She knows this is how I feel, but is this a good idea. I'm quitting drinking and changing for ME and my kids at this point, but I don't want to be a lied to fool, here to cook, clean and babysit while she carries on A and all behind my back.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2218423 - 02/03/12 07:09 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10308
Here's the deal with ultimatums; if you give it then you better be prepared to back it up. Don't "use" an ultimatum as a "tool". There is a very strong chance she will not choose you over the OM. So, if you've given an ultimatum and you don't carry it through....what does that prove to her?

Don't throw threats around thinking it will shake her up and she'll find her senses.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#2218448 - 02/03/12 10:07 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: sandi2]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
I told her yesterday very calmly that in order for her to stay here with me and the kids, the A has to stop or she has to leave and I will tell friends and family that she was having an A and I asked her to leave. I'm willing to work on our relationship and myself, but I am starting to respect myself too much to have her use me now for a babysitter, etc... She then says that there is no A and she never cheated on my, so I guess she's moved to denial. As far as an ultimatum, I'm willing to make my stand there. The OM's D is supposedly on hold due to his ex "dragging," so if she wants to move in with him and that, so be it. She cannot stand her mother who lives an hour away, so she really doesn't have anywhere to go. I love her dearly, but am starting to realize that she may be making me a better partner for someone else down the line if she remains blinded by the fog. I'm going to talk to my minister today to pray with me over this. he won't take sides and i can confide in him. So confused. Thanks for the advice Sandi2
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2219277 - 02/06/12 02:22 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Update,

Our D found out everything over the weekend listening to us talk at night and yesterday was tough. I hate seeing her in pain over this too. I think it was eye-opening for my W to see that this will affect more in our family than just me (instead of me just saying it) and I think it devastated her. She had a long talk with D (as did I) and obviously D went thru the range of emotions. D told her if she ever left us for another man, then she'd never talk to her again. Our D has always talked of friends parent's who've been thru this and the girls always seem to side with the betrayed spouse. Well, it is still the beginning of trying to piece it together, but I am doing my GAL and 180's, just trying to support W when she asks for it, But, she told D and I that A is very much over, so if the fog will clear, then is a chance we can work it out
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
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