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#2204167 - 12/08/11 05:13 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
AJ, I don't know what to tell you. I've been listening to mine tell the OW he loves her while I can hear him. Duh. I dunno, I think you have to harden your heart to make it through this. And believe me when I say this. One minute my heart is hard, the next it's melting the the front of my chest. It's a process you have to work on in order to survive this.

She's just in her own head space and logic is NOT going to work with her, nor is counseling at this point. She's in full blown selfish mode and best thing you can do is put on the flame retardant suit. She actually will have VERY little recollection of the angst, pain and damage she's doing right now. Sad but true.

I know how fearful you are about dim/dark. We have ALL had that fear. Esp when they have issues like: run away, or complaints that you the LBS was distant, etc. BUT... it works. I'd try nice til it makes you bleed then pull back hard. It's a way to make them notice. And they will notice.

Right now, mine is in moments of clarity mode. It's HARD not to chase, hard not to reach out... but I wait for him to come to me for any kind of contact. He comments that he doesn't like it when I ignore him. (It's ok to tell someone they love her, IN FRONT OF ME, mind you)... I think you get the idea. *smile*

Dim/dark was the hardest thing I ever did. EVER. It was the hardest, but yet the most satisfying and self sufficiency building of myself that I have ever done. I learned a lot about myself, I learned a lot about my spouse, and I learned a lot about just what I'm made of. You can do this... which btw, is for you anyway... YOU need that to survive. Dim is for you, to stop the crazy making she's inflicting on you.

And btw, you can switch gears as needed if she responds to it. If she chases, then reward the good behavior, go back to dim when it's not good behavior.

Cheers
Abbey
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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#2204530 - 12/09/11 10:55 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
I agree, dim is it. Be detached and ....if it helps.....her friend. Not her best friend.

As for the Christmas thing...make a plan to do something fun and exciting for you. They are being jerks! Shame on them....what's THAT about anyway? Do tell.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2204954 - 12/12/11 01:19 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: MynameisMZ]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ

As for the Christmas thing...make a plan to do something fun and exciting for you. They are being jerks! Shame on them....what's THAT about anyway? Do tell.


Her family has this tradition of doing this chaotic version of the white elephant gift exchange. You know the one where everyone brings a piece of crap (or something desirable too!) that's wrapped, and they share. The family variation is to use 2 cups with a pair of dice Yahtzee style, roll them, and if you get a pair of doubles you get to pick an unopened gift or steal one from someone you want (swap your crap for the stuff they have). It's a riot, we do it for like 3 rounds of 5 minutes each, and it becomes a battle for the iTunes gift card where everyone wants to get rid of the ceramic rooster. :-)

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#2205381 - 12/14/11 08:32 AM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Question for those of you following this thread--do I buy her a Christmas gift? My tendency is to get her >something< but nothing as elaborate as I have in past years (which has included everything from a new smartphone to diamond earrings).

Dim for me, by the way, has been being gone 2-3 nights a week doing my own thing (not dating, but spending time with friends or shopping). She's only getting minor dosages of me during the week. Last week I took her to lunch which surprised her. Conversation was forced, it was kind of uncomfortable.

She's still unemployed and growing more anxiety about it every day. I empathize, offer as much help as I can, but when I see resumes going out to cities hundred or thousands of miles away, it's pretty tough.

AJ

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#2205522 - 12/14/11 05:12 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
As tough as it is, sometimes the distance and separation IS the way we have to go. Kicking them out of the nest, making them LIVE their reality is what gets their brain flowing again. As hard as it is to see or think that she might just move away completely, don't count that as the final time on the mat. It can be the straw that break the alien camel's back... and finally brings them back.

Also LOOK happy. Unhappy people will get drawn to the happiness. Smile til it kills you if you must. It does work.

Abbey
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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#2205957 - 12/16/11 03:54 PM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Abbey]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Alex I just finished reading your thread and I agree go Dim. I am in the same sitch myself. I moved out 8 months ago and now we split time with our kids. My W started with the OM over the summer, but were flirting for the previous months. I too neglected my wife by working 2 jobs.

I just took my kids to the store to buy her a xmas gift and I did buy something small. We got photos of the kids done and I bought her a frame for some of them. We are still friends and need to keep this amicable for the holidays.

Good luck
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2206039 - 12/17/11 07:47 AM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Abbey]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Well, we had an argument yesterday. She has another job interview in a city 800 miles away, and I've figured out that the OM is in this city. She's going next week for two days, and pretty much told me I was watching stepson while she was gone. He's 15 and I argued with her saying "are you asking me or are you telling me?" and her response was "he's fine, he can take care of himself. He rides the bus to school and can make his own microwave meals."

I got mad, and it all came out. I told her the other guy was a loser, that I was the guy to get her to her dreams. I told her I had sent an email to my sister the day she got her layoff notification that she was starting her own company and that I was excited about it. She said "well you didn't act that way when we discussed it" and I said "yes yes and for that I apologize." She went back into this "it's been 7 years and it's never been fair" which has been this speech I've been getting the last 3-4 months, yet never got in year 6,5,4...

I told her I love her and that I didn't love her I would have kicked her out of the house already. She said "we're married and I have just as legal right to be here as you." Then I said she probably should start writing some checks then for her half of the house ,and her response was she was "righting the financial imbalance we have had for 7 years."

I'm about ready to give up, she's gone insane. In our marriage I paid for 75% of everything most of the time, so I don't know what she wants or would have wanted. I got mad and said all this is justification, she needs therapy and she's lying to herself.

I probably screwed up here but I said some things I felt were true. Unfortunately I wasn't able to self-censor well as I'm stuck at home with the flu, so I had to endure being in the house with her as he calls and she has a phone interview in another state. My filters were --- weak.

AJ

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#2206046 - 12/17/11 08:47 AM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
Alex, you like I may have to push them away in order to fix the mess. Her being out on her own, will force her into reality.

The other guy also has obligations from his previous relationship, so he won't be able to lavish money on her, and keep her in the way she wants. Then the spin cycle will start.

Her disregard for her son is quite disturbing.

Abs
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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#2206599 - 12/20/11 09:09 AM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: Abbey]
alexj Offline
Member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 25
Well she left this morning at 4:30 am for her flight to the other city where the job and the OM most likely is.

Last night she asked if I would take son to school early today for his extracurricular activity, and I said yes. She said thanks and I said "I'm doing it for son." I came home late after having dinner with friends and interacted with her for all of about 20 seconds. After that I just went to bed, no goodnight, nothing.

I'm quite pissed at her actually. I believe the marriage, a difficult one, is a promise that should be at least worked on before just bailing on it. Her comments to me have been "I can't help how I feel" just madden me greatly. This isn't high school and we didn't date for 6 months, we've been together for 10 years.

It's like she's pushing me to make the move towards the big D. Do I get a lawyer to understand how to protect myself? She is still making >zero< effort. It's all about her her her, her career, her new man, the son is ignored, it's all madness.

AJ

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#2206613 - 12/20/11 09:54 AM Re: How to get her to try again? [Re: alexj]
Abbey Offline
Member

Registered: 03/07/08
Posts: 659
They are in full on selfish mode. FULL ON. It's actually quite amazing to stand back and look at them through that lens. Their selfishness, their self absorbed behavior and attitude makes it really look like they've been abducted by aliens.

The fog DOES lift,... but only once the reality of how UN-rosy their decision turns out to be. Harden your skin for this ride, it's the only way to survive it.

*hugs*
Abbey
_________________________
T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.

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