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Slow down AJ. She's still got OM in her hair. Take it very slow. Don't worry about the occasional touch though - the tickly foot thing for example. Touch makes bonds without the other person even being aware of it. Predators (OW, OM, etc use it to gain trust when they're seeking to "steal" your spouse from you.)

What's wrong with you going to the therapist yourself first? Maybe some extra insight why you need to be so tidy etc will help. Ever thought of leaving YOUR dishes in the sink? smile


T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
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alexj Offline OP
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Heh heh, nothing wrong with me seeing the therapist alone first, of course.

I know it's moving kind of fast, it's so strange. We just put up the Christmas tree, the whole group all 3 of us. It feels nice, but sad at the same time.

To be honest, I'm not that much of a neat freak, it's more of her and I out of sync rather than me being obsessive about it. I do leave dishes in the sink, there's some in there right now from yesterday, and I don't have any compulsion to deal with it.

I'll slow down, more reading to do. It's just super confusing the mixed signals. Thanks for the input on the foot thing.

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alexj Offline OP
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The first therapy session is scheduled for Wednesday. She is going.

I've never been to therapy in my life before. So this shall be interesting.

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alexj Offline OP
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Okay, went to the marriage counselor.

During the meeting the therapist asked her about the OM, and she said she's not going to stop the relationship with him. He's currently back in his family/current wife's city for the holiday and alluding to him returning in the near future. The therapist asked her if this was going to be a long distance relationship and what her plan was, and she responded that they are looking for work together and will move to whatever city. Keep in mind this affair probably started all of 5 months ago by my best estimate.

This is so ridiculous it's hard to put into words. She's leaving me because 1) I've been hard on her about participating in cleaning the house, yet I have walls and furniture covered in petroleum jelly, mirrors covered in makeup, and she blow dries her hair at the kitchen table and hasn't run a vaccuum cleaner in 3 years, 2) I didn't immediately support her decision to start her own business--yes yes I was selfish and didn't want to make sacrifices, but come on I realize that was a mistake and it would be good for both of us for her to pursue that, 3) she thinks we have incompatible intimacy--our frequency requirements are different and 4) her perception that our finances, separate, we're never fair to her. Every time she brought this up in all years of marriage we adjusted, and the last time it came down to her not giving any money for assistance on household costs.

The therapist zeroed in on something that I've been saying all along, but not to her--her toolkit for dealing with things is to flee (or more specifically, cut herself off). The therapist gave her some food for thought--the skill of withdrawing that she learned in dealing with her mother as a child is not a skill that will serve her in the adult world. I was almost shocked that the therapist was that straightforward. And it cuts straight to the heart of the problem. Her mother was horrible, abusive, and this is how she handled things with her, 16+ years ago.

So she is planning to leave me for a guy that she cheated on me with, who is her boss, from another city, who is leaving his wife and two kids, to escape a me who is willing to work on those things he's made mistakes on. This man she's leaving loves her son as his own.

Considering she's gone 11 months with no new job looking before she lost this one it could be months before she finds anything.

I've asked her for time, to just slow down on all this. Even the
therapist said the odds of her relationship with this other person is very low--I'm wondering if a little time will bring her to her senses.

For now she will live at the house, but I suspect if the OM comes back, she will be spending little time at home. If that happens I may have to get hardcore and ask her to leave. I'm almost at the point now where I will start asking her to pay for her
half of everything. She's always says it's unfair, but in the therapy I told her the exact amount of what our monthly costs are, and she said how much she pays to the therapist. Her contribution is about 1/3 to 1/4. Now I understand she picks up stuff for our son and her student loans, so I fail to see how this is unfair. Since Sept I pay for it all, even picked up the tabs for her car ( I did that 24 hours before I found out about the affair, isn't that great?).

So, Abbey you called it, she's got OM in her hair big time.

I need some patience here, of course, so thank whoever reads this for allowing me to rant a little here.

AJ

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AJ... patience is the big call of the day. Often, you'll say small things that somehow penetrate, when you least expect it.

You may have to play some hardball with her, if/when the OM comes back into the picture. BUT... it's something that others (Including me) have used in the past very effectively. So much so, that although I feared it the first time, like crazy. This time, I'm actually wishing I could fast forward to the "dark" separation period. Amazing what reality DOES to these folks when they're faced with their own choices head on.

Chin up, you're doing fine smile


T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
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alexj Offline OP
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Thanks Abbey, hope you're right. She retreated from her mother as a child, retreated from her first husband who abused her, and her toolkit with me is retreating. I've never been abusive, just insensitive and stupid.

I will push my chin upwards and carry on.

thanks!

AJ

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What might help you... is looking at a book by Mort Fertel called Marriage Fitness. I took both this book and the DB books and used bits and pieces of them together. (Because my H had some issues with me) DB dark for example wouldn't have worked until I had a chance to show him what he would really miss.

Take bits and pieces and tailor them to what you think/hear from your C sessions and work them smile


T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
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alexj Offline OP
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Well, she really won't go back to marriage counselor with me. She told me "she can't help the way she feels." I find this all very confusing, actually, at this point.

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You answered your own question... TIME. Time is in this instance your friend. Go "dim"... be pleasant but don't engage. Or ask her to leave. (If you're ready).

Fry pan in the head does wonders. She wants to flee... make her. Give her a taste of what her life will be like without you.

I suggest you go dim first though. Sometimes it's enough.


T:22, M:20
H:55 Me:45
H-OW PA: N/07
OW Jan08
Bomb:Feb/08
S: Apr/08
Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11
Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess.
Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
A
alexj Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 25
Well, the affair continues but at a distance. It's all email, text messages and phone calls. Very frustrating as she does some of this in my presence.

I asked her to go see a counselor without me, because I think she might have some issues to work through without me (her mom was abusive, her first husband was abusive, but I'm not!!!). That was today. I told her I'd pay for it if it helped. This whole thing doesn't make sense. Her response was a very vague "Alex, I can't help how I feel."

So I now wrestle with frequent anger that I do my best not to show. I'm angry she doesn't try, I'm angry she just lives in the house with no real thought, she's just turning me into a roommate. I don't know if I can can dim, or push her out. There's the son--he goes to school in this town, and she's unemployed and using up severance. She's been bringing home groceries and cooking, which is very nice and welcomed. It was something she didn't have time for with work and a ... cheating on me I guess. So it's something she does to pass time and to contribute to the home, but other than that and a gym membership she's not paying for anything.

So I crank up the patience and wait. I think the affair is growing fonder now that it's virtual as they try to figure each other out. We still spend some time watching tv, etc, and son is oblivious otherwise. I got kinda mad inside yesterday when they started talking about her family's annual Christmas white elephant gift exchange, a real highlight of going to her family's place at Christmas. This is something I've done for 8 years, and they just discussed it in front of me with zero sensitivity that I'm not invited. Do I call her on the carpet on that or man up and move on?

So frustrating in every direction. I would like to sleep a normal night again. /sigh. I'm afraid that going dim would just push her away and she would never come back, I just don't see it working with her personality. Her toolkit consists of "run away."


AJ

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