Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2215858 01/25/12 11:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
How to begin...been with W for 22 yrs, lived together since she just started college at 18. Married when she was 25, I'm 4 yrs older. We have a D (14), and 2 S's (9,8). She has been LD even since kids, but used to be very active. She orgasms when we ML and likes it, but tells me she doesn't. We started with no $ at beginning of marriage and thru my career used to have a very comfortable lifestyle,but that has been gone for the last 5 yrs. She has never really cared about $, and still says she doesn't, but I don't know what to believe about anything anymore!
So, a few months ago, she started coming home very late, often drunk, and I got suspicious. She works nights, and often very late too, so that part was sort of normal, but not as late as she was getting in. I asked her if their was another man, but she always denied. Turns out she was having a EA (says they never had sex) with a separated man very well off $ wise and younger. She came home very, very late one night and the next day I checked her phone and I discovered the affair. They had been texting almost daily for about 3 weeks, so I think the EA was new, but she's known him for a long time as he's in her business often. Anyway, she admitted it all, blew up and said she wanted to separate, but couldn't now then calmed down and said we'd do MC. She said it was over, and told me OM had been cheated on by his W who he is divorcing and said he told himself he'd never be that man! Anyway, I forgave her and thought we were moving on. We ML about 1 per week, was was move than usual and were patching things up, or so I thought, though she never wanted to do MC. Said she felt bad, etc (we are religious). Anyway, last weekend she didn't come home, it was after 2 am and I couldn't reach her phone, but I found her in a bar at 3 am talking to OM. I got her and we went home, but I blew up in the parking lot and told her I was confronting him to stay away from my wife. I didn't, but when we got home, she told me she was leaving and yes, it was over with him, as he wasn't going to get involved with her because she was married and they were just friends and she had been hanging out with her other friends who were also there not really taking to him all night. I don't believe that, but don't know. Anyway, at this time, she cannot move, but says she has to get out as soon as she can, and she never should have married me (15 yrs ago), hasn't loved me for many years, and cannot stand to even be touched by me (hasn't for years) and her being out late and everything else is a symptom of that. We ML just 3 days prior to that and she orgasmed and enjoyed it??? Anyway, I begged her to stay, and was clingy as I had been ever since the affair was 1st discovered, and she told me she needs space. 2 days ago, I found DB and am using the technique. We haven't touched or kissed in 3 days, but we sleep in same bed, share routines, etc. I haven't told her I love her, etc in the last 2 days. she gave a peck on the cheek today as she was going to work, and that's the most.
I love her and want to get the love back, but she says she cannot and has never wanted to be with me, so we both deserve better, etc. She admits being selfish here, and says it will be better for our kids to be around parents that show love (but not if I am the H). So, she is wanting to move out, and share custody by the week, but cannot financially at this time. we are barely getting by financially as is together. She says it's been going on for years, but just now is too much. Says it's nothing to do with OM either and he's not waiting for her to D. She turns 40 in 1 month, so there's a lot at play here, I know. Any advice is appreciated as I've rambled on for long enough now. Thanks


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Bump

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
So, after this I saw a facebook message from OM (they aren't friends anymore on FB) saying I think about u all the time and am praying for u, etc. I confronted her and she acted confused? I asked her if she wanted to stay in this house after today, she had to tell him never to contact her again. She did shortly thereafter then he replied that he would always have feelings for her, hope and prayed WE worked our M out, and would honor her request, but SHE sent him a FB message 1st??? She got a blank look on her face and said she didn't remember sending him a message (she was drunk last night), so now I'm more confused. I know all this runs counter to DB, but for my own sanity, I told her if we are to live together, all contact with him had to stop. She keeps saying D is way ahead of everything and we have to live together for $ reasons, etc, but just wants to S. What should I be doing? Thanks!


Originally Posted By: jlove
How to begin...been with W for 22 yrs, lived together since she just started college at 18. Married when she was 25, I'm 4 yrs older. We have a D (14), and 2 S's (9,8). She has been LD even since kids, but used to be very active. She orgasms when we ML and likes it, but tells me she doesn't. We started with no $ at beginning of marriage and thru my career used to have a very comfortable lifestyle,but that has been gone for the last 5 yrs. She has never really cared about $, and still says she doesn't, but I don't know what to believe about anything anymore!
So, a few months ago, she started coming home very late, often drunk, and I got suspicious. She works nights, and often very late too, so that part was sort of normal, but not as late as she was getting in. I asked her if their was another man, but she always denied. Turns out she was having a EA (says they never had sex) with a separated man very well off $ wise and younger. She came home very, very late one night and the next day I checked her phone and I discovered the affair. They had been texting almost daily for about 3 weeks, so I think the EA was new, but she's known him for a long time as he's in her business often. Anyway, she admitted it all, blew up and said she wanted to separate, but couldn't now then calmed down and said we'd do MC. She said it was over, and told me OM had been cheated on by his W who he is divorcing and said he told himself he'd never be that man! Anyway, I forgave her and thought we were moving on. We ML about 1 per week, was was move than usual and were patching things up, or so I thought, though she never wanted to do MC. Said she felt bad, etc (we are religious). Anyway, last weekend she didn't come home, it was after 2 am and I couldn't reach her phone, but I found her in a bar at 3 am talking to OM. I got her and we went home, but I blew up in the parking lot and told her I was confronting him to stay away from my wife. I didn't, but when we got home, she told me she was leaving and yes, it was over with him, as he wasn't going to get involved with her because she was married and they were just friends and she had been hanging out with her other friends who were also there not really taking to him all night. I don't believe that, but don't know. Anyway, at this time, she cannot move, but says she has to get out as soon as she can, and she never should have married me (15 yrs ago), hasn't loved me for many years, and cannot stand to even be touched by me (hasn't for years) and her being out late and everything else is a symptom of that. We ML just 3 days prior to that and she orgasmed and enjoyed it??? Anyway, I begged her to stay, and was clingy as I had been ever since the affair was 1st discovered, and she told me she needs space. 2 days ago, I found DB and am using the technique. We haven't touched or kissed in 3 days, but we sleep in same bed, share routines, etc. I haven't told her I love her, etc in the last 2 days. she gave a peck on the cheek today as she was going to work, and that's the most.
I love her and want to get the love back, but she says she cannot and has never wanted to be with me, so we both deserve better, etc. She admits being selfish here, and says it will be better for our kids to be around parents that show love (but not if I am the H). So, she is wanting to move out, and share custody by the week, but cannot financially at this time. we are barely getting by financially as is together. She says it's been going on for years, but just now is too much. Says it's nothing to do with OM either and he's not waiting for her to D. She turns 40 in 1 month, so there's a lot at play here, I know. Any advice is appreciated as I've rambled on for long enough now. Thanks


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Hanging in there, our D's b day is today and we're putting on our game face, but it's really hard. I'm so frustrated and sad right now, I don't know what to do as I feel like I'm the only one of the 2 of us that cares about us. She will not be honest about OM, and I think it's her that's been chasing, and she knows she's in the wrong and hurting me deeply, but is in such a fog that she cannot see the trees for the forest to confuse to metaphors. Thanks for listening.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Hi jlove. Welcome to the forum which is the best, worst place to be.

Thanks for being patient while waiting for your thread to be picked up and responded to. While you are getting started, it may take a while to get off moderation, so DO keep journaling.

Be patient, this work is a marathon, not a sprint. And it does get easier and it does get better... DBing works to at least give us a better future, even if our M's don't survive.

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Thanks KD, feel like a man on an island right now and ANY encouragement/wisdom is a blessing right now!!! Taking it day by day right now.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
In the last 2 months have gone from "I haven't loved you in 5 years, to I love you, to I don't love you that way, to I loved you when I was 18, to I cannot stand it when you touch me, etc." I've lost a ton of weight and exercise regularly, which has gotten noticed, but "it's me and I can't fix that, not you now, I just need to be happy." Fell like if there wasn't OM situation described above, it wouldn't be so confusing, but here I am lost in my thoughts and confusions as W doesn't want to talk about it. Trying my best to wait it out until she does and keep calm for our sake and my 3 kids. I think we can work it out, but I cannot alone.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
ok, first... you are getting the standard script. I'm sure you've been browsing this board and may have noticed some of it.

Regarding the OM as you talked about in the first post, understand that it probably has nothing to do with money. Also, unless you really know this guy, he could have been lying to your W about his own "marital problems". Finally, good you didn't confront him. It might have felt better in the moment, but it could end up a really bad thing.

It's time for you to really get down and do the work on yourself. The A is just a symptom of something else that's not working in your M and that is due to TWO people, not just your W and not just you.

You've let your W know in no uncertain terms how you feel about her R with OM. Having let her know, it is time to stop that. It is unlikely that she will forget or that you were unclear. Beating that horse will not help and may do more harm.

If you are going to do the "tough love" with your W over the A, then you need to enforce your boundaries and dish out the consequences. If the boundaries have no bite, then they are useless. But DBing isn't about controlling our spouses...

Most of the resources on DBing is strewn about this forum, but I do not see that you indicate you've picked up the books. We recommend getting the DR book for sure which is the more recent one that really puts a lot of this into a functional style of how to DB. The first book is great as well, of course.

What do you know about LRT? And how about GAL and 180s?

As the A is a symptom of a deeper M problem, what are some of the things that your W complained about, BEFORE the A and the bomb?

When do you feel things started going downhill in the M, prior to the A? What were some of the things going on? Stresses, family issues, etc???

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Thanks KD. Yes, I've read DB and got DR yesterday. I just found out about DB and this site a week ago, as I thought we were on the path to reconciliation until I found them together in bar last Sat night. Maybe we sort of were, but that started the EA all over. I really do think the OM is going thru D and his W had a PA, because my wife is best friends with many of their mutual close friends. It's a mess and I wish she'd quit that job to detach. She's looking, so maybe hope there, but I'm trying not to hope for much at this time after all the mixed messages and dissapointment.

She wants to tell D (14) about our S, should I let her? Then, my D will be very mad at her for cheating on me and I may have an ally in trying to talk sense into her? I don't want to get kids, family or anyone else involved, but am grasping and don't want to hurt kids. I don't think she realized that they will take my side over not trying to stay and reconcile.

I am an alcoholic who has been sober 3 months since all this happened and I am at least 50% responsible for all that has happened (more on this later), but I want to work to pick up pieces. I cannot talk and hang out with friends now, because they are all heavy drinkers and I'm avoiding temptation and working out obcessively right now. All for now, thanks for all the help!


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
~
Member
Offline
Member
~
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
Real important thing to understand here, about the A. This is pure DB and about doing things that YOU can control, which is you and your choices and actions.

Doing this from a point of view that you are on your way to becoming an even greater person than you already are, now is the time to do everything you can to improve yourself, that has nothing to do with your W or your M.

Very important to understand that you are not in a direct competition with the OM.

IOW, if he makes more money, don't think you have to make more money. If he is buff, don't think you have to bench press more than him.

Rather, if you want to make more money or be more buff, do it because you want to and feel that you will personally benefit from those things. And, you are not doing these things for your W, as mentioned above. But... she WILL notice... and she might become more curious and attracted to you... and if that is the side benefit of becoming a better person... so be it...

Does that make sense? We don't do things to manipulate (control) people. But we can become people that only a fool would leave... and if our spouses are fools... then we have the possibility these benefits will lead us to being able to create fantastic relationships in the future...

Does your W have any date planned for her departure? If not, what benefit does she feel telling your D14 that she doesn't want to be M and she will be moving out. This is for you, not to tell her, but... kids are smart... D14 most likely knows something is wrong... there's no need to tell her anything more, especially NOT about the OM at this point (she doesn't need to be told that). IF your W has everything in order to move out, that would be when that conversation takes place...

This is not about you being right and your W being wrong, but your approach to this is good. Try not to assume that anyone will take your side, BTW. Kids do not like taking sides and are likely to rebel against BOTH parents. And our family of origin are likely to take our personal sides and friends... well... I think people use that term too loosely, sometimes... I'd say you will be finding out who your real friends are, real soon, through this process... and they aren't necessarily the ones that show support to you...

Again, work on you. Stay sober and check yourself. Where you find you have things that are due for upgrades... work on those... become a better you...

It gets easier and it gets better... focus on you and how your changes can change the M...

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard