Things are going very, very bad. It's been one major blow after another.
As you know, I moved into her place the beginning of December. I thought everything was going okay until a week or two before christmas. I found out that she posted an ad on craigslist stating she wasn't attracted to me and she wanted a good looking guy to talk to. So, she started emailing and texting nude pictures and dirty talk with a couple of guys. I confronted her and she said she'd stop.
Then I found out that she slept with a guy in November. I went on vacation (by myself) and when I got back I found out that she was pregnant from that guy. She didn't even know his last name. I told her that whatever she wanted to do with the child I would support her... if she keeps it then I'll raise it as if it were my own and no one would know it wasn't mine. Long story short, there were some medical issues that came up where terminating the pregnancy was the right thing to do for my W's health.
We were holding hands, kissing, hugging...she would send me various texts about how amazing I am and how she loves me. During this whole time I felt like things were the way they used to be. I would do everything I could for her and she would hold out on me with intimacy. I was trying to explain that that is where I felt things started going wrong with the marriage. I admitted that I made mistakes and did my best not to blame her. I told her it was no one's fault, but that is where I feel we got stuck in the cycle.
We were being honest with each other and I told her that i didn't trust her. I would try, but she needed to help me out and earn that trust back. She went to a friend's house. I texted her...nothing...I needed to ask her a question about the kids, so I called...nothing. I tried a couple more times and I texted a couple times again. By this time I'm panicking. I get a text back from her saying, "hey". I called her the second I got it and she didn't answer...this went on for a while.
The other day she got dressed up...complete with makeup and pushup bra. She said she doesn't get a chance to dress up. We were going to take the girls to a movie, but my W skipped out because the house was dirty and she needed to go to the grocery store. When we came home from the movie she wasn't at the house. We walked in and it was still dirty. An hour or so later she comes in with nothing buy hair dye that she bought.
Then she went over to her friend's house until 2 am one night and 12:30 the next. I think anyone could understand why i would be a little worried. She said she wasn't seeing any guys and got upset. I know she's still bleeding from the abortion, so if she was seeing a guy I doubt full blown sex happened...but still. Even if she isn't seeing anyone I think I have a reason to worry.
You guys know how it goes from there. So, she decided she didn't want to work on us anymore. This is after I co-signed on a loan for a new car for her. I asked her what were all the texts last week telling me that I was amazing and such. The kissing. The hugs. The saying I love you. She said that I forced her into kissing me, etc. She said she loved me hoping that she would actually feel it. She has no desire to be with me and even the way I breathe annoys her.
So here we are. We talked about trying to continue working on things for the kids sake. We don't want them living in two houses. She said we could live together but she wants to date other people. I said no way. She agreed not to date. However, she keeps going back and forth with if she wants to try to fall in love with me again.
Enough was enough so I told her that I am willing to do what it takes to make this work, but the missing piece of the puzzle was her being in love with me...and she made it clear she doesn't want to be in love with me. She feels bad for it (doesn't that mean she kinda wants to love me?). I told her that I can't make her do anything and I'm not going to try and talk her into being with me. I told her that I was moving out and giving her the divorce. She stated that that is not what she wants for either of us. She wants to work on herself to figure out why she doesn't feel in love with me.
Today, she's not sure she wants to do this and she's doing it only for the kids, etc. thing. Apparently, I make her miserable and she feels terrible about herself when she's around me. But, we are still going to work on it for the kids. We will try living in the same place for a couple of weeks and go from there. I said I was fine with that, but no dating. She sighed and said, "fine". She didn't seem to thrilled to be working on us.
I'm going to be frank here. I am exhausted. I'm tired of getting bad news. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of being in limbo. Admittedly, I have been pushing a bit so I could get clarification. I realized today that I am pursuing again and it's pushing her away. I slipped a lot from the changes I initially made. Even when the changes were in full effect she was telling everyone on craigslist that she isn't attracted to me. She wants to have fun and feel normal again.
I don't know if I have the energy for this anymore. I am in pain that doesn't seem to ever let up. I don't know where she's at with working on us. I know she wants to do it for the kids sake and she feels guilty for not trying because of the kids. She's made it clear she doesn't really feel like trying.
Should I just cut my losses and move out? The thought of doing that to my kids again freaks me out. It kills me. I'm sure they feel all the turmoil too. What do I do? The thing the terrifies me the most is her being with other guys. It kills me. I wonder if that is why I'm staying because of that fear. She did agree to go to counseling though...but for now we are not even talking about the marriage because we both need a break from it. However, I still am thinking of moving out asap. I'm confused, lost, hurt, and clueless.
Forgive me for not going through the whole thing. Can I simply give you a big validation for the entire post above? By the third paragraph, my jaw was to the ground...
I also have to give a generic, no one can make the decision for you. You are back here and you need support and that's understandable...
But I hear something else in your voice that I suspect you are afraid to say...
Are you prepared to let go of piecing right now and go to LRT?
I'm scared to death for my kids sake. I'm scared because I think I still love her. I'm scared to death because I have the tiniest sliver of hope left. I'm scared to death she's going to hurt me more with other guys/girls. I'm scared it's over.
Am I ready for the LRT? I'm ready to give her her divorce. Personally, I think she's put me through the ringer. I've been here for her, I've forgiven her, I keep getting hurt. I don't believe that the LRT will do anything. She'll have her freedom and she'll do things where I'll never be able to take her back...even if she wanted to come back. That's what terrifies me the most.
you're right. I'm doing my best not to let them see me hurt. I don't like the decision I'm going to have to make. But I think she's gone too far and seems to not have any remorse or intent on trying.
Thanks KD. All this has come to a head tonight. I'm flooded with emotions. I almost feel like I'm walking to my own execution.
