I've been thinking about some stuff lately...how fuked up things turned out. I read on another thread here recently of a LBS who was hurt and wondered when his hurt could be addressed. A WAS spoke up and said that was sort of like wanting to bring up the fact that your W "hit you back." That resonated with me. I thought about it a long time, and later sent her this.....
Ex, I'm sorry that I hurt you before and during our marriage. I know my behavior caused you emotional pain. I know my behavior was a violation of our marriage vows. I had no right to treat you and the kids like I did. I had no excuse for treating you and the kids like I did. You had every right to be angry with me. I will not be making those mistakes ever again. I know you still have a heart, even though I did some damage to it. I'm so sorry; I deeply regret ever having hurt you. - antlers
I'm not backsliding, or pursuing. I just felt motivated to convey some things to her. Almost a day later I also sent her this.....
Regarding our kids...I know that the absolute best thing that a man can do for his children is to love their mother. I regret very much that I didn't show that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me...and I blew it. I will not be making those mistakes ever again. I apologize for taking you for granted. - antlers
I just wanted to acknowledge some things to her, hopefully for her benefit. I wanted to be decent and honest...regardless of anything else. That's it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
well regardless of your goals (or how SHE will see them)...you have said enough.
Don't write anymore b/c there is nothing left to say about your past.
Stick to the "NOW" and future plans for the kids.
Please, say no more to your ex w about what you feel now about the past or what you felt then, or anymore about it.
If I tell you all the reasons I feel this way, you will engage in the details of it and defend or argue, I think. So you'll lose sight of the forest for the trees.
But what is left to say about the past? ("NOTHING" is the answer)
Be here now.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
well regardless of your goals (or how SHE will see them)...you have said enough. I agree. I have said enough. I've got to stop holding on to the bad feelings for the damage I did. I do believe that I've made some real progress in 4 months time. I think about the analogy of the guy who was texting, or drinking, while driving and killed someone. What's he supposed to do? Kill himself? Or live? And do better? Don't write anymore b/c there is nothing left to say about your past. I agree there too. There's nothing left to say. But there is something left to do...live, and do better! I don't know what else I could do!
Stick to the "NOW" and future plans for the kids. My youngest daughter and I communicate daily. She's the only one who shows any interest in me. I'm putting forth much effort to foster that relationship. She's wild though...and runs around unbridled. I worry about her.
Please, say no more to your ex w about what you feel now about the past or what you felt then, or anymore about it. I don't intend to. It would serve no useful purpose. I just had some stuff I felt like I needed to express and I did. Every once in a while, I still am sort of overcome by remorse for what aa awful emotionally abusive person I was...but that happens with less frequency now.
If I tell you all the reasons I feel this way, you will engage in the details of it and defend or argue, I think. Nope, don't think so 25. There's nothing to defend...and I sure as hell am done arguing with anybody about anything. I am always interested in your feedback though. So you'll lose sight of the forest for the trees. I don't think so. My mind is more open than its ever been. I'm sure interested in learning more, and in gaining new insights.
But what is left to say about the past? ("NOTHING" is the answer) Agreed. I hope I get a second chance on down the line with someone else...so I can do better and apply the knowledge that I now have, and the experience that I now have. I will definitely do much better. If it happens, I'll love and cherish her like I should.
Be here now. putting forth more and more effort daily to do just that. God I wanna live and not just exist.
((( )))
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
25...I tried to like you post but there was no like button up in here
thanks Fig...and I'd like to have the "edit" button back, even if it only lasts one minute, AND I'd love to have private messages too, even if just to say "Look at my thread". Like just a "Fig is looking for you" type b/c
I know of maybe 10 people (or 10 times this happened) that wanted me to post on their threads so they asked me to post...on their thread!!!
it's a miracle I found any of them, and I"m sure I missed many more, or so I hear.
I saw ONE person who posted in the subject topic space, and I happened to see it with the "new topics". Also had someone stalk me here to track me down and ask for a review of her sitch. Seems inefficient.
Got any ideas about that Fig? You're a long time vet here. Come to think of it, as far as I know that makes you & me and Sandi, and Jack3B who go way back, and I did see "Was2Sad" a month or so ago. (OMGod - that man helped me.)
I wish more "graduates" would stop by and give back.
But for NOW, it's us!
Anyhow, now I'm rambling. Just wanted to say "thanks" & hope we can get some others to stop by.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know where you're coming from Gineen, and I understand it and agree with you. I do not want to feel the urge to express any of this anymore to her. I've just had some stuff on my mind recently and I felt the need to communicate it. I said exactly what I felt, and now I don't need to communicate it anymore.
I know she knows my feelings. My focus is coparenting. Our kids are my top concern. I don't want to fight with her about anything, at all, ever. I honestly am not looking for forgiveness from her. I have in the past...but not anymore. That won't happen, and I'm OK with that. She sees forgiving me as giving me a clean slate...and she's not going to do that. And that's OK. I don't want to drive her away...I just want to coparent our kids.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey 25 - don't forget me! I have been here longer than most anyone. 10 years on last Nov 2. I have had to change my sign in name twice, though and that changed my date of joining. But I know who I am - LOL! Should be some kind of badge at the 10 year mark - or control over those buttons - LIKE, EDIT, PRIVATE MESSAGE, PERSONAL INFO etc.
Antlers - I agree with the others. You have said the same thing to ex many times. She is NOT listening. If you need to say it for YOU - write it down - but don't send it. It does not help you situation.
And what have you done regarding getting more help for him?
Antlers - I agree with the others. You have said the same thing to ex many times. She is NOT listening. If you need to say it for YOU - write it down - but don't send it. It does not help you situation.
And what have you done regarding getting more help for him?
She's involved hot n' heavy with other guy. He was up here all weekend per my daughter. She offered that info. when I picked her up today. We went out to eat, then I took her out in the country and let her drive my vehicle for 60 miles. There is no 'helping' this situation. It's done. I did it simply because I'm a decent man, at least now, and I wanted to express it. That's all. She might not even have read it. Anyway, I gotta continue to let go of all the negative emotions and feelings. Feel like I've done OK in 4 months time. It's like climbing up a shale mountain...3 steps forward and 1 step back. Overall there's forward progress though, even if there is an occasional step back.
Regarding my son, I don't know if he'll ever come home. No communication from him at all...not one word. I do forward everything I receive from the school and his counselor to her. My youngest daughter told me today that she doesn't think he needs counselling and that I should take him out. She also told me that she was very pissed at me when she found out I put him in counselling, and that's why she wrote me that awful letter back in December. It's a fuked up situation. The kids are running wild, especially daughter. She stays out very late with older young men, either roaming around, hanging out at their house, or driving around in their car. She sneaks her boyfriend in her house when her moms not there. And he stayed over there till 3:30 in the morning over the weekend while my ex was preoccupied with her company. Incidentally, her lawyer wrote into our divorce decree that "no member of the opposite sex that the parent is not married to shall be allowed to stay overnight in the home while the kids are present". Other guy comes up from out of state and stays overnight at her house for days at a time regularly while my kids are there.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Antlers: You are divorced! Your wife can have a boyfriend. No - he probably should not be staying over but he is. But that is not the real problem. You told us terrible things that were going on with your son. It sounded desperate yet you are not doing anything to get him the help he needs. Obviously your ex is not going to do it.
And what are you doing about your daughter? Are you talking to her about her bad choices? Or are you afraid you are going to lose her too? It sounds like that is why you are backing off on your son.
This situation is messed up but doing nothing is not the answer.
