Forgiveness

[25yearsmlc]

your note is far too long...

your son is in trouble at school and the school said they wanted you two to present a united front.

The school was disappointed/confused about the message it sends that you two were not able to comply.


Maybe put a FEW sentences about what YOU are committed to doing and leave it at that,
But it still strikes me as not being more than 5-10 lines in all.

OR it'll sound like you are telling her how to parent.

And even though she's off base here,

I assume this was a nerve you struck when you began telling her how to parent (to her, I think that your new approach probably seems like too little too late. All we know though, is that it isn't gelling well)


Ask the school for suggestions too. Let HER know what THEY tell you. The more she thinks the "authorities" view you as the more involved parent-

perhaps

the more she'll want to show up with you.

Be mindful of the tone you take with her. Something tells me it really rubs her the wrong way.

But your son IS in trouble and that's the priority now.

[antlers]

OK. That makes sense. I'm fishin' here. How about.......

"Ex, we have two kids who are struggling right now (son especially) and even though our marriage ended, our responsibility to these two great kids didn't. The school said they wanted us to present a united front, and they were disappointed about the message it sent that we were not able to comply.  
I'm committed to setting aside any differences we have to focus instead on meeting the needs of our kids." What are your thoughts?"

[2thepoint]

I like it.

[antlers]

OK. I sent the following to her just now.....

"Ex, we have two kids who are struggling right now (son especially) and even though our marriage ended, our responsibility to these two great kids didn't. The school said they wanted us to present a 'united front', and they were disappointed about the message it sent that we were not able to comply.
I'm committed to setting aside any differences we have to focus instead on meeting the needs of our kids. What are your thoughts?"

We'll see.....

[2thepoint]

...and as the JEOPARDY music plays in the background, we patiently wait for a response from the former Mrs Antlers...

[antlers]

Throughout all of this recent stuff, I've continued to get bad e-mails from the school about my son. I got another one today from one of his teachers, coincidentally about the same time that I was sending this most recent communication to ex. I responded to the teachers e-mail. He got in trouble later on the same day that we had the meeting too, and the vice principal sent that communication to me. I forwarded that to ex.

[antlers]

Just heard back from her. This is what she sent.....

"The school had no idea our issues when they sent that email. Son didn't want everyone in the same room. If I were selfish like you I wouldn't have cared about his feelings and went along with the school. I talked to V.P. quite a bit afterwards and she understood the situation. And I don't know why you keep saying how bad he is. Well yes I do know why. Because it's how you are. Anything you can say or do to make yourself look like the poor victim no matter who you hurt. Son's grades have come up, he does his homework if he has any, and he is very respectful and sweet to me. So I don't know where you're getting that he's going downhill from unless you're hearing and saying what you want it to be. We can work together and communicate when you stop being selfish, stop lying, and stop running to your family about EVERYTHING."

[2thepoint]

Sigh! I guess you need to let facts and data speak for you.

[antlers]

I sent the following to her just now.......

"Ex, I want to keep this all about the kids. I do not want to fight with you, about anything, at all. My only concern is for our kids and their well-being.
The school didn't schedule this "team meeting" about son's behaviour and schoolwork because he's doing good Ex! They scheduled it because he's struggling...behaviourally and scholastically, at school. They are concerned. And Ms. Vice Principal told me Wednesday afternoon that she wished "we could have all met" like the school staff had planned. There was a reason for that....they felt it was "important that son see that we are a united front and that we are extremely concerned about him". And he's been in even more trouble at school in the two days since that meeting! I got an e-mail from Whittier about his bad behaviour on Wednesday (which I forwarded to you), and I got another today (which you also received) about his bad behaviour yesterday. I have in fact received more negative e-mails (about his bad behaviour and schoolwork) from his teachers and administrators at Whittier in the last 4 weeks than I have in the entire time he's been going to school there! Denying the existence of his problems will not make them go away.
I understand you feel the way you do about me......and I am sorry for all the hurt that occurred in our marriage.
Please let's keep this all about our kids. And only about our kids.
I love them very much and I know Ex that you do too. I'm focused on the present and the future. I'm hopeful that our kids problems can be solved by focusing on what we can do now...to make their lives better now...rather than focusing on the past. Can we give attention to developing solutions and helping our kids?
Do you think that fighting between us helps our kids in any way whatsoever? It doesn't. It hurts them.
I am committed to taking the high road and not thrusting our children in the middle of emotional crossfire. We wanted children, and now we have them. And I'm committed to focusing efforts on what our kids need most: consistency, assurance, and the love and participation of both parents in their lives. I'm asking for your help."

She may get pissed, but she's been pissed at everything I've had to say so far......no matter how many times I run it by you folks here and refine it. It was a heartfelt message with nothing but the absolute best of intentions.

[2thepoint]

Excellent letter, both in tone and content. Balls now back in her court. Be sure you are maintaining copies of your back and forth contact. It may come in handy some day.

Hang in there!

BTW, I found it interesting in her response about how "sweet" your S was to her, as if that is all that mattered. That just seemed very selfish and foolish. Does she not think for a second that your S might be manipulating things/her? And on top of that, your S should have been at the meeting and he wasn't and he couldn't be found. So, it doesn't sound like someone who is doing so well.