Forgiveness

[antlers]

On the first day of this New Year, I asked God to help me forgive my exW for the pain that she caused me. And then I said "I forgive exW for the pain that she caused me". And I meant it when I said it.

Forgiving her has helped me to let go of the power that I had been giving her by holding onto the pain that I felt.

In the past, even recently, I couldn't imagine being able to do this. I do believe that it's progress.

[SunFunOne]

Yes Antlers,

That is HUGE! It is the first really big step to take in letting go and moving on.

I don't think I've ever really forgiven my ex although he never showed any remorse and that was the part i really couldn't get past.

But it is different for each of us - how we deal with our past, shapes our future.

I am glad that you have turned this corner.

All the best for you in this new year of your life. A new chapter in your book.

Barb

[antlers]

She's never shown any remorse either, but my decision to forgive her has nothing to do with that. I've seen many times on this board that "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself". Doing what I have (something that I couldn't possibly have imagined doing even a short time ago) has definitely had a positive impact on me...I feel more 'at ease' I feel much less 'torn up'. It seems 'more peaceful' spiritually and emotionally to me.
I feel like I took a big step...and I feel like I'm really making progress since my decision last Halloween to start letting go and moving forward.

[25yearsmlc]

Antlers,

I heard this story long ago and posted it somewhere but cannot find it now…so here it is.

The End of the World

And so it happened that the skies everywhere turned dark and thunderous and suddenly a loud Deep voice from above, said "THE WORLD WILL END IN 7 DAYS."

Upon hearing this, people everywhere noticed that suddenly everyone's faces began to change colors or bore marks. Their faces bore the colors & marks of their sins.

For instance, some had green lines on their face for envy or jealousy, red for lust, or their foreheads had "A" on them for adultery, "T" for thieves, etc. "L" for liars, etc.
"C" for coveting, "M" for murderers...

The next day, a voice from above AGAIN said "THE WORLD WILL END IN 6 DAYS"...

Now, people began to hide. Politicians wore bags on their heads, and celebrities began wearing hats and head coverings so no one could see their sins. Others avoided seeing their neighbors or families and stayed isolated.

People wondered what had happened and governments thought their enemies had tried to intimidate them. Others thought a prank had been played on them.

The next day the same clouds hovered over and the same loud voice told everyone everywhere, "THE WORLD WILL END I N 5 DAYS."

This alarmed people as they began to wonder what it could mean, and where the voice came from.

The next day the same things happened and the voice said "THE WORLD WILL END IN 4 DAYS. "

People began to arm themselves and prepare for an attack or plague. Some began to fight with those who had betrayed them or those they feared.

When the voice came the next day & said "THE WORLD WILL END IN 3 DAYS", the wealthy people began to give their wealth away and others did acts of service & favors for others.

There was growing panic and many began to flee the cities.

Then the voice said THE WORLD WILL END IN 2 DAYS" and everyone began to gather in churches, synagogues, mosques and temples of all sorts. They prayed and prayed but still the voice said,

THE WORLD WILL END IN ONE DAY.""

That night In one home, a couple looked out their window at the clouds gathering.

The husband had the mark of adultery on his head and the wife had the green marks of jealousy and envy on hers.

The husband turned to his wife and said

"I hope you know you are the only woman I ever truly loved. Can you please forgive me for how I hurt you?"

She said "Yes I forgive you. And I never meant the things said b/c I was angry. Can you forgive me for my resentments and the terrible things I said?"

And he too, said "I forgive you."

Suddenly the marks on their faces vanished and their faces cleared completely as they held each other tightly hugging--AND FORGIVING….

When they realized why this had happened, the word quickly spread.

Brothers who had been estranged for years put aside their resentments,
and embraced,

couples let go of their painful pasts, and reunited.

Former business enemies shook hands

Warring nations and tribes with feuds, all stopped, and reached out

and they FORGAVE each other…

and the faces cleared as did the skies above…forgiveness cleansed the world;

And the world was saved.

[antlers]

I sent the following text to my brother regarding the current situation. Our kids are really having problems. He has talked with her previously about these problems, and she told him that she harbors a lot of resentment against me.

"All during our separation, throughout the divorce, and even after the divorce...I still wanted her back. She was moving on and I was holding on. I held on for 3 years before I finally made the firm commitment to let go. She and I had good communication for an 8 month period, between February and October of 2011. We laughed and joked. I still had hopes that I could get her back. It all came to a halt the first weekend in October when she hooked up with other guy again. I tried one last time after that. I saw it as my last desperate attempt to get her back.
She was over 3 years ahead of me at letting go and moving on. It (letting go and moving on) is still very new to me. I've only been at it a very short period of time.
My only concern now is my kids. They are broken. My kids have not been co-parented since before their mother left. My kids have not been a priority to their parents throughout all of this. My kids have been used as weapons by their parents against each other. These kids love both of their parents, and they need both of their parents.
My wish for my kids is that they receive the love, support, and cooperation from their parents that they need and deserve.
My wish for exW is that she has love, health, and happiness. I also hope she can learn to forgive me and let go of pain and resentment from the past because I would hate for it to affect her happiness or cause her any more pain."

He responded to my text with the following.....

"Then there needs to be a way for you to communicate this absolutely 'NEW' sentiment to her. I believe this to be the most important and defining 'moment' you have facing you."

I would appreciate hearing some feedback from you folks regarding this?

[antlers]

The last time I specifically mentioned coparenting to her was a good while back (about 2 years ago) when she was still responding with hatefulness and refusals to coparent.

The other day when my brother talked to her about our kids and their difficulties, she told him that she still harbors resentment toward me. And she mentioned to my brother that maybe he could "mediate" for us.

He told me last night that "you said you wished exW happiness; the defining moment, I believe will be how you convey this to her. I feel that when this is done YOU will be able to Completely put THIS chapter behind you."

He thinks things will be better between she and I when she knows that I will not pursue anymore and she'll feel more comfortable communicating with me about our kids. He also thinks it'll help for her to know that my only concern anymore with communicating with her is about our kids.

[~ kd ~]

I only want to say that your W will trust that you are no longer pursuing her, WHEN and ONLY WHEN she chooses to believe that.

No words are going to convince her of that. While I accept what your brother says about conveying that message to your X, I'll just expand on that by saying / repeating... It will be your continued actions of NOT pursuing your W that will eventually lead to her believing it...

So he is right, I just don't think words will make that happen... time and consistent action will... eventually...

[antlers]

Well, do you honestly think you can stop pursuing her? Yep. Stop asking for and looking for forgiveness? Yep. Mentioning it to my brother in the text was said in a way that was for her benefit. Stop rehashing the past and mention all the things you've done wrong and how she hurt you wen she left? Yep. But I didn't do that in the text that I sent him.

Can you honestly do that? Yep. Can you just keep your conversations limit to strictly co-parenting? Yep.

Because from that text to your brother...... I don't know.
I don't know how you get to that from what I wrote to him. Explaining some things to him and wishing her well, and meaning it, spoke to him evidently. He thought it was important to convey to her.
I am all about co-parenting, but if you can not let these things go and mention them even passive aggressively when you are speaking of your children, your chances of co-parenting may not work. The pursuit is OVER. He thought it might help if she KNEW that. She will push away again and get angry all over again. Hopefully that behavior will be over if she knows the pursuit is over. And also if she knows that I wish her well. That will only make things worse for the kids. He got involved to make things better for the kids...that's why he talked to her at all.

You need to make a commitment if you are going to communicate with your wife regarding your children, you leave everything else out.

I am committed to letting go and moving on with my life without her; I still want my children to be OK. I do wish her well. I have forgiven her for the hurt that she caused me. That has been a blessing to me so far...being able to honestly do that.

[SunFunOne]

Antlers:

I agree wholeheartedly with K D however, I did write a letter to my ex several years after he left. Years that I had felt as you - angry, hurt, bitter. I could not imagine forgiving him as he not only showed no remorse but also continued to inflict pain on us. It only kept me stuck in one place - and not a good place.

One day I saw a sign up outside my church

"HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONTROLS YOU"

That hit home with me. He never even knew how angry I was day after day.

After another of our bouts of him not paying for D's education, dance and costumes, grad stuff etc - I finally wrote him a letter.

I talked about how I was letting it go. That although I could not agree with what he had done or the way he was treating us - I was stepping out of the drama. And he could carry on till the cows came home but I was not going to play anymore. Ashley was his daughter - but if he chose not to help pay for her - that was his choice. The courts would sort it out in time. But she would not go without. Because I would take care of her in the best way I knew. She would not lose out because of the choices he made.

I told him I did not want to converse with him anymore. I had sole custody - he had some visitation. There was nothing to talk about anymore.

And the drama ended.

It was a long time later that I showed up at Emergency with my son and was told he was not likely to live the rest of the day. Then and only then did I contact him and at that point - I only cared about doing the right thing - one parent to another. His presence was very minor to me as Ryan was the only one on my mind.

From then on - we have communicated by text regarding Ryan. (as I'm sure you know - he has not only survived, but thrived since that horrible day).

My point is - if a letter will make a difference - do it. If you are just telling her that you forgive her and are letting go. I would save my breath. Because actions DO speak louder than words. And time heals all wounds. Never thought it could. But it does.

Barb

[antlers]

I only want to say that your W will trust that you are no longer pursuing her, WHEN and ONLY WHEN she chooses to believe that.

No words are going to convince her of that. While I accept what your brother says about conveying that message to your X, I'll just expand on that by saying / repeating... It will be your continued actions of NOT pursuing your W that will eventually lead to her believing it...

So he is right, I just don't think words will make that happen... time and consistent action will... eventually...

I don't disagree with anything you've said. Fact is...I agree with everything you've said here. When he talked with her about the problems our kids are having, she told him that she harbored much resentment toward me...making communication between us about the kids hard. He felt this might alleviate some of this difficulty...however small...start things down a more healthy road, so to speak. She would benefit by knowing that I did not intend to pursue anymore, and possibly by knowing that I wished her well, and possibly by knowing that I intend to move forward in my life without her, and lastly by knowing that my ONLY concern now is for the well-being of our kids. I also think he believes that by me truly wishing her well (and meaning it), that I'll benefit from that too. And the kids will benefit too, for once, from their parents finally co-parenting and not using them as tools to hurt the other.
...with the understanding that actions speak louder than words.