I will let him go. I will give him what he wants. Trying to do anything else is a waste of time and just represents more of the same controlling behaviour that got me into this situation.
I don't call or text him anymore apart from stuff about the kids, but I will be toning this down as well. I do need to stop discussing things with him. I'm still trying to present my own opinion as superior to his on most occasions.
Let him go. Give him what he wants, no more discussions. Accept, validate.
These phrases need to take the place of my mantras to this point, which have been "I just don't buy it", and "I can't believe this is happening to US".
Back to DR 101 for me (for the hundredth time).
Thanks for keeping me on track - I know I'm not the quickest learner!
Happiness isnt a prize you win, but a choice you make
Serenity prayer
I have a note next to all the phones in my house, in case he calls I can read that fast and get into the right mental space.
I do text with H regarding the kids but I only get him involved with the kids stuff when it is critical. I make 99% of the decisions without his input. He has yet to say why didnt you talk to me about blah blah blah.
Our H are looking to shut down & tune out right now so I am not going to put the pressure on him - Life will do that for me.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Please know if anyone understands, it's me! I fought letting go more than anyone! As you know, my husband eventually forced me to let him go by filing for divorce on the sly and taking the kids to his rent house I had no idea about and telling them (without me present) we were divorcing. He was the nastiest of nasty and put me through absolute HELL. However, when I truly let him go down the path he chose, he eventually had second thoughts. Yes, it's taken us a long time to get where we are now, and no, it doesn't mean your husband will have second thoughts as well. But I have no doubt that if we hadn't reconciled, I would be just fine and he would still be stuck. You need to know that for yourself! In my situation, I had accepted the fact that we were going to divorce, and my goal became to just have a healthy co-parenting relationship with him. My family and friends were grateful that I had finally moved on. And believe me, I had to really think about accepting him back home when he started coming back around. Another very nice, handsome and successful gentleman had started showing interest in me, and I was feeling very comfortable and confident as a single mom. It was hard when the kids were away at his house, but I learned to cope, as they did. You need to start focusing on YOU. Your happiness, your health, your GALing. He wants to be separated? Then present him with a schedule of when he's to be home so you can go out (how I wish I could take you out for a proper night on the town!). Give him what he wants - a REAL separation - and not just this crap he's doing right now. NLW, I have complete faith that no matter what your husband chooses to do, you are going to prosper. I believe you and your precious children are going to be closer than ever and gain amazing strength from this. Your daughter will know what is and isn't permissible from men, and your son will know the proper way to treat a lady. Just take things day by day and moment by moment, I'm always in your corner!!!
Don't want this to seem as though I'm focusing on what H does and haven't taken advice to let him go on board. But I want to record the nature of changes in our interactions.
I emailed H this morning to forward a message from overseas friends that their 3-month-old premature grandchild had died. He emailed back to thank me for letting him know and commented 'heartbreaking'.
Shortly thereafter, S13 received a call from H. We had not had any contact from H over the weekend. He'd attended D16's birthday dinner at my parents' on Friday night but had left to drop her off at another party without making any plans to see us again.
H then called D16 for a brief catch-up chat. Then my phone rang, and it was him saying he was coming over to fix the pavers underneath the new fence he had put up to keep the puppy in our yard.
He arrived and spent a lot of time patting the dog, who is incredibly friendly to him and treats him like the alpha male of our 'pack'. H loves this.
The kids were relatively cool towards H and he soon went outside to work - it was over 100 degrees and mid-day seemed to me to be a bad time to do heavy circular-saw work, but I kept my mouth shut. He wouldn't eat lunch with us or drink anything.
He brought in the mail when he arrived and I opened one of my credit card statements. He looked at it and explained that he was now making $100 payments each week "to get the debt down like you asked". I thanked him for this.
Before he left, H also fixed a blown pipe in the garden watering system that I asked him about (It just needed some strong-arming in to place).
The kids asked him to come to the beach with us this evening - another activity that we had all been doing on a regular basis until recently - but he declined.
At one point when we were alone in the yard, he asked me how the kids were going. I hesitated a little and then said "Fine".
Never sure how to deal with this question. I know they are not fine, but repeatedly telling him how hard they are taking his leaving doesn't seem to serve much purpose. And at one point early on in our sitch when I did do this, he accused me of trying to blackmail him via the children.
So any advice on how to respond to this question about the kids would be appreciated.
He then asked me to meet him for an hour on Friday to discuss things - I'm assuming financial matters about the cars and other finances. I think he will be putting the line that we need to push forward formally with our separation/D.
I thanked him very much for the work he had done today and he left.
"At one point when we were alone in the yard, he asked me how the kids were going. I hesitated a little and then said "Fine".
Never sure how to deal with this question. I know they are not fine, but repeatedly telling him how hard they are taking his leaving doesn't seem to serve much purpose. And at one point early on in our sitch when I did do this, he accused me of trying to blackmail him via the children.
So any advice on how to respond to this question about the kids would be appreciated."
I think you can approach it one of two ways. Either tell your H exactly what your kids have said how they're feeling. Don't embellish, just stick to the facts.
Or....
Suggest he spend some time alone with the kids and ask them himself. He may get more than he bargained for but at least it shifts the burden off of you and on to him. Let him experience the "from the mouth of babes...."
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I think you can approach it one of two ways. Either tell your H exactly what your kids have said how they're feeling. Don't embellish, just stick to the facts.
Or....
Suggest he spend some time alone with the kids and ask them himself. He may get more than he bargained for but at least it shifts the burden off of you and on to him. Let him experience the "from the mouth of babes...."
I agree with 2thepoint and would encourage the latter, especially with the age your kiddos are at. Out of nowhere, my D6 told my WAS exactly what she thought of things a few months into our sitch -- "Mama, I am very mad at you for making a new house. You need to pack up my toys and come home now." It had a much greater effect on WAS than anything I could have said, and it left me out as a "blackmailer" or "manipulator."
I wouldn't tell him they are fine if they are not.
Tell us about some things you are doing for yourself and the girls! What's something about yourself you've neglected and want to reinvigorate, or something new to try/explore, or something you have been putting off doing for yourself, with a friend or with your girls?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
My kids try to be stoic when they say anything to me about H's behaviour.
Basically, they say they don't really miss him and that everything is OK.
They may well say the same thing to him. I think they're afraid of hurting his feelings... and they haven't really accepted what is happening - i.e. that he is really 'gone'.
I'm doing stuff with them to try to make them feel happy - playing board games, going to the beach, seeing some movies, shopping for D16's prom dress, preparing for the new school year. And the new puppy is taking up most of our time and bringing so much joy.
Don't want to moan, but with the kids, and the puppy, and a household to run - and elderly parents to see to (I'm an only child), plus a full-time job to keep an eye on even when I'm on vacation, I don't have much time to do anything other than the above.
I start back at work next week when my kids go back to school, and I'm a little bit worried about how I'm going to cope, but OTOH, I count my blessings that I've got a good job and an income, and that my time is going to be taken up with so much to do.
Probably shouldn't have added the dog into the mix, but it seemed like a way to protect the kids from total heartbreak, and S13 had been given a promise before all this started. My immediate problem now is to work out what to do with puppy when I have to leave the house to be at work. He is only 12 weeks old and has not yet been left alone. He gets very agitated and whines/barks when we leave him outside.
H says just leave him in the back yard when I go to work - but I think puppy is too young to chance this - for his own wellbeing and that of the neighbours - not to mention what would happen to the garden!
I am leaning towards leaving him in his dog crate inside the house for 3 hours or so and coming back home to work from here each day until he is older. Again, not much chance for me to GAL and meet other adults!
When we originally told S13 he was getting a dog, H was still living here and working from home each day, so things would have been peachy. Now, everything's more complicated....
But really, everyone with a dog has to face this kind of issue, so I do need to suck it up!
