Insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results. Have you ever been guilty of that kind of insanity in your relationship. For example, do you pick up after your husband every time he dumps his clothes i the living room--and then hope he'll do it himself the next time? Do you always initiate sex with your wife--and then expect that she'll initiate sex the next time? Are there certain heated issues that come up again and again, with you and your partner saying the exact same things and acting the exact same way...again and again?
Well, guess what? Using the same ineffective strategy over and over again doesn't work. Sometimes you have to abandon your old familiar ways and replace them with something new, something different, something entirely unexpected!
If at First You Don’t Succeed, Try Something Different!
Think about a typical conflict with your partner, something that happens all the time…that you know will happen again…and although what you’ve been doing hasn’t been working, you’ve had no plan to change it.
Write that old, boring scenario below and how the conflict unfolds. What do you do? What do you say? What has been your same-as-usual way?
If you’re having trouble identifying what you repeatedly do, ask yourself:
“In regards to this problem, what would my partner say I do, on a regular basis, that really annoys him or her?”
Make sure you have a detailed picture of your ineffective strategies. Add anything you can think of that describes how you act when you’re on automatic pilot. This will help you determine what you need to change.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I have always attacked him and told him what he needed to change...and pursued him when he was angry and withdrew. I am now telling him I accept that he is done and sent him an email telling him that I need to make changes and I'd like his input if he is willing...so, I sent him this email.. After the meeting today, I did some suggested reading..I know now that in my next relationship..with whoever it may be I need to 1) Learn to communicate and disagree w/o arguing, getting defensive or assuming the worst from my partner.. 2) learn how to diffuse conflict/anger quickly and effectively when it arises by.finding compromises that work for both partners..
3) build trust with my partner so we can be open with each other about our feelings - good and bad without blaming each other for our own feelings
4)connect emotionally and with physical intimacy - show each other love based on each other's needs..learning to understand thateveryone needs love and trust displayed differently.
5) Keep my relationship issues private...discussing only with partner or unbiased other such as sponsor or counselor.
When you have time and if you are willing...I would be open to reading any other suggestions/comments you might have for this list...I really do want a monogamous, long term relationship with someone who loves me and that I love...and even if you are unwilling to give me that again..you would be one who would know what I need to do to achieve that..since I blew it with you...if you can't or don't want to help me with this, I understand... gonna get some sleep...got a long work week ahead...4-11 through Friday night, Saturday day shift..then off to Homer for my one day off and some much needed time to reflect, relax, and read..and soak in the hot tub.
If you do not have any comments/suggestions/additions to this...it's ok. But I truly do want your input if you are willing to give it to me...of all people in the world..you would be the one who would know what I need to do better. I'm not jumping into any new relationship, I just am working on me and trying to change the things I can...so if I am ever in another relationship, I am a better partner.
My personal serenity prayer right now is just...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (being alcoholic, and losing you)
The courage to change the things I can (me, my behavior, my attitudes)
And the wisdom to know the difference...
Thanks for your time. Hope you stay warm and don't work too hard, C
There is not much for me to add . You alone have to realize what happens when it comes to a relationship . You are pretty stubborn when it comes down to changing your mind about anything . Weather you are right or wrong . Accept the fact that you can be wrong sometimes . And when you say things , you should actually think do you really mean what you are saying . If not don't say them . Gotta go . Have a good day . We will talk again soon I am sure
He has been out of the house since november 2011. Since then we have tried to reconcile a few times, but he always pulls back or does something to anger me to stay gone. He swears there is no OW. He swore he was not sleeping with anyone else. At first he kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. He then called and said I will no longer lie to you, I will not cheat on you and I will no longer do any drugs. I then texted him and asked, without accusing, so who have you been hanging out with? He blew up and said none of your business. I don't have to tell you what I am doing when we are NOT together. I was floored. I said we were done and changed my phone numbers. I got very angry, then got very depressed and was crying constantly, I called and asked if he still wanted to work on things... Then he said he was done. I asked him to tell me to see other people and to tell me he didn't love me..he would not. He said he was just done...this was a few days before I sent him the email and got the response posted above.