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Snowman Offline OP
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Update-My W came over with a girlfriend and her husband to get the TV and entertainment center. My W grabbed some other random things throughout the house. This is the first time I had ever met this girlfriend or the husband. I actually like my W's new friend and she was very easy to chat with despite the awkward situation. My W's girlfriend talked to me about the clothes steamer I had and she even made fun of my W for how many clothes that she had. I made a joke of how many garbage bags it took to get rid of them and we both laughed because my W said she donated most of them and doesn't have lots of clothes anymore. My W took a night stand that I sanded and painted dark black years back. I was glad to give it to her.

I actually had a good time chatting with my W and her friends. I think I would get along great with her new friend if given the chance. I'm still growing happier everyday and letting go of the things that just don't matter. I'm working on my letter to my W framed by what KD mentioned on page 5 or 6. It is hard to focus and write the letter as my mind spins but I'm working to get it done. I will keep you posted.

I'm not sure were the revised D papers are and I'm not in a hurry to get them. I have not asked my W about them or made my L get them. I'm not sure what is going on but I'm just trying to be the best me.

Tonight my S got the bad stomach flu and did some pretty good throwing up, poor little guy. I contacted my W about it and let her know. We figure out our schedule tomorrow in regards to our S and I kept her posted on his progress. This is another time I wish my W was here so we could take care of my S as a couple should. I have had very positive interactions with my W not about us but just about life's things. I will continue to find the best in me and my happiness. Thanks for the support smile.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 148
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Snowman Offline OP
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Well, it feels like I'm falling off the grid and help train here. The D papers have still not been finalized even though my L emailed hers and my W's L said he would get them revised. Mean while we just continue on living as if we are already divorce. Things are very amenable and I just keep working on me. All R talk has been stopped since the beginning of January. I have been able to pretty much live my life with out obsessing about the situation or letting it eat me away. Not sure if I have just moved on or finally finding some happiness in my life or what?

A lady from our church came to visit my W and I informed her that she no longer lives here. It was somewhat crappy to say but I did it without being shameful about it as I would in the past. I really have learned that being mad gets me nothing of worth so its not worth being mad. I have read a ton, thought a ton, learned a ton, and hope to progress a ton this year.

I still worry about my 2.5 year old S and the somewhat bouncing back and forth lifestyle. He has done pretty well but I'm not sure what the long term effects will be.

I continue to learn about other peoples R problems unsolicited and I usually put a positive spin on things for them. Tomorrow is Valentines day and I don't have one to speak of. My W would just get mad if I did anything kind of like our anniversary. I'm at peace with that (doesn't mean I give up, just at peace with it).

Not sure what stage I'm at now? Any help or advice from my faithful DBers?


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
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can't say what stage you are in, but you sound a lot calmer and more centered.

A part of you is realizing that your life will not end, no matter what happens.

At first that can alarm you, b/c you fear you may think you no longer care.

But my bet is, it's a healthy detachment and doesn't have to be confused with apathy.

We know you care. And you are putting the right focus on your son.

I think the more you build on these momentary bonding experiences, like interacting with the friends or uniting to support son (flu's can be very dangerous for little ones),
the better. So carry on and see what happens.

You are building a foundation for your future r,

no matter what that means, you will have to communicate for life.

Most of your post is positive progress, imo.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I think it sounds like you're doing great.

2 loving parents in different homes is better than 2 crappy parents in the same home.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Snowman Offline OP
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I am more calmed and centered for sure. I concur that it is healthy detachment and I don't want it confused for apathy as many of us do.

My 2.8 year old S can drive me crazy but I love him so much. He is a true little boy that loves to test the boundaries like 2 year olds do. I have read Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood and have been applying its principles. It definitely is working with him and I plan to continue.

I have always tried to be kind in my communication with my W because I know I will have to communicate with her for the rest of my life.

Labug-I agree that 2 loving parents in different homes is better than 2 crappy parents in the same home but my W used that exact phrase in one of our early R discussion as a reason to separate or D and said that why her parents should have D earlier. I don't think we were crappy parents which I know you are not implying but I just don't like how the world uses that as an excuse to D or separate. It's the classic excuse for not wanting to address their problems in their R and using that excuse as why.

Anyway, we had a great time eating Valentine candies that my S got and my parents dropped by a Valentine's package for my S as well. I love to just hear my S laugh and smile. It is simple but all that's required. Learning to appreciate the small simple things in life.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Snowman, I definitely don't think that should be used as an excuse. We treat marriage and bringing up children far too cavalierly. But if it's inevitable that the D is going to happen it does no good to beat yourself up. You've given it your best shot.

There is nothing like the sound of a 2 yr old laughing.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 148
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Snowman Offline OP
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Well folks I'm still here and still not divorced. I have no idea how or why. I have not talked about or pushed the subject with my W. My L emailed her L about getting the revised papers which her L claims he is working on but it has been weeks. I'm in no hurry on my end as I don't want a D nor the bill that will comes with it. I have been working still on being the best me I can be. I have had some great times with family and friends as well as my S. No R talk has happened for quite some time and pretty much most of our exchanges with our S have been good that I can think of. We just threw a big 90 year birthday party for my only alive Grandparent and I made a picture slideshow from all the various family pics that was contributed. Man my Grandma is amazing and healthy as an ox.

Anyway, life is going on. I have a vacation coming up in 1.5 weeks and working on tough things at work but getting through them. I will be honest and say that I sure am missing some intimacy after this long without it, man! I working on keeping my spirits high. I continue to read other peoples stitches and see all the phases I went through while reading others. It's crazy how lost and out of control we get when this roller coaster ride hits us.

Not sure where my ride is ending but I will be the best me while on this ride. Keep up the good work DBers as you are a amazing group of people that are helping in the most important aspect of life!


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 148
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Snowman Offline OP
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Posts: 148
Update-My cousin's cousin tragically died at 36 years old leaving a W and 3 kids and the funeral is on Saturday. Despite him being my cousin's cousin we know him fairly well and it is just life stopping for something like this to happen. My W knows about the death and is deeply sadden. She even wanted to go to the funeral but that would be way awkward at this point.

Anyway that discussion sparked the discussion if she really wanted to get work on things and not get a divorce:
W: Honestly these is a part of me that does but I don't want to get either of hopes up
W: If we do we have to take it slow
Me: I want to take it slow. We didn't get here over night.
Me: I will be honest, I have read more books and done more self analysis then ever before. I have started my letter to you and I plan on finishing it. I have a lot to share about what I have learned if your are willing to listen. I don't know what the first step is but I would like to take it not worrying about hopes either way. One thing I have noticed now is when I talk to you it makes me smile.
W: I Know. I think we talk more now than we ever used too and get along better when we do.
Me. I totally agree.
W: Maybe when you get back from your trip we can talk more about it.

We went back and forth a little more about what my S was done which was fun and end the conversation. She then texted me later and asked if I would email her some of the books I have read and I said sure. She then chatted with me more about what our S was doing.

I don't know what to think and I hope it is not a knee jerk reaction from the death in the family but I will work on it. I just got the revised D papers a day ago to finalize things so this is interesting timing. I would have freaked out if I were the old me but I'm all good and have something to smile about even more.

This has been a learning experience like no other. I will stay cool, calm, and collective. Time to take it slow and not push at all.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,711
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Really good conversation and yes, you really have to take it very very slow. Take a look at Crimsons thread for some real time insight into the dynamics at play.

"We went back and forth a little more about what my S was done which was fun and end the conversation. She then texted me later and asked if I would email her some of the books I have read and I said sure. She then chatted with me more about what our S was doing."

Be careful about which books you share. If she sees things that cause her to believe you are using tactics to manipulate her it will backfire big time. Just be careful.

"I don't know what to think and I hope it is not a knee jerk reaction from the death in the family but I will work on it."

It may very well be. Life is short and when tragedies happen, people tend to pause and reevaluate their choices.

"This has been a learning experience like no other. I will stay cool, calm, and collective. Time to take it slow and not push at all."

Good for you. This is a delicate dance. You've been practicing and now it is showtime!

Best of luck to you!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Snowman Offline OP
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Well I'm back again. I got back from my vacation in Hawaii which I will admit was awesome and sorely needed. I talked to my S and W pretty much everyday. Things seem to be progressing in some shape or form although I'm not sure where but I'm keeping my cool. My D papers were nearly revised and ready for final signature so this is all just a little crazy to say the least but no big deal.

I got my wife some things in Hawaii because I know she wanted something bad and I even asked her what she wanted. I gave it to her when I got home and she was very appreciative. Our conversations with each other have been very amicable but none have really been about our R. She had texted me pics of our S on my trip as well as pics of her amazing cupcakes she makes. I said when do I get mine and she said when I get back. She tells me when I get back that she had given them all to her coworkers but she will make a new batch a different kind. I said great.

She signed my S up for soccer while I was gone which she told me about and I thought was great but when I get home she informs me that she volunteered to coach as well because no one else did. I thought was strange as well but then she proceeds to tell me she will need my help and that she will be gone for 2-4 of the games. My blood started to boil as I didn't feel it appropriate that she commit us to coach and commit me to coach when she knew she would be gone and not even tell me on top of the fact of the mess we are in. I tried to express my concern while still staying positive but she was at work so the conversation was short. I emailed my true concerns that I was a little blindsided by this and confused as she had stated we were taking things slow. She emailed me back saying she was doing this for our S because she wanted to and was not planning on having me do it with her and that she only needed me to cover 2 games (the 2 games that she will be in London on her trip). She also said she wanted to do this because her family didn't do it for her when she was young. I said I can understand that and that remember my parents be there for things like this and that I would support here in this. I want our S to play for sure but I was just surprised about this whole thing. I think we are good on this for now.

I asked her if she want to come over to hang out before her trip and she said she would try but she would be very busy planning her trip and packing which was understandable. She called the night she might come over to let me know she probably would not make and and I said thats ok that I understand but to text me when she was done with her trip planning anyway to see. She texted me late saying she was not going to make it so I jokingly said that thats ok she can now gets to make me dinner and cupcakes. She said oh really and I said just kidding but it would be nice. She told me she could maybe do that one day. I asked her if maybe means that she doesn't really want to do it or I'm just reading more into it (this was texts by the way). She told me I was reading too much into it. I said ok cool, just want to clarify because texting it is hard to tell.

Anyway this is where my stitch is at in the scheme of things. I guess this is somewhat piecing with little to no direction but I'm letting her take the lead as much as possible.

Any advice fellow DBer's at this point? I have kind of been off the radar for a while.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
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