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#2234681 - 04/01/12 08:49 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: chatterbug]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3839
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: chatterbug


The point I was trying to make was. Its time to make the place into your place.



AGREE. Very liberating thing for a left-behind husband to do, and very rattling to a walkaway wife. (do it for the first reason, Snowman -- the second one is just a side benefit smirk )


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235040 - 04/03/12 12:44 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Starsky309]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Well I have sort of already done the picture thing but I will fill up a multi-picture frame with all the Easter pictures from this weekend. Does taking all my W's stuff out of the house count because I already did that too. Didn't phase other than the D papers went faster.

In reality I don't think my W really cares at this point about what I do. This is not the 1st guy in this escapade rather it is the 4-5 guy. She is dating in a frenzy and I don't know how far she has taken it with any of them but I find dating like this is doomed from the get go by hiding a husband and son in the background. I know various details about all of them and for some reason nothing of them work out, huh I wonder why (being facetious). I just wonder to myself why so many people think it is ok to start dating before getting a divorce?

Well I have calmed down from this whole thing that will be happening. I don't like it obviously but I have made my peace with it. This is just another hill in the ever so fun roller coaster ride smile.

I find it ironic how much work my W is willing to put in to go see this guy in a whole another state and all the other stuff but no effort to think about her marriage. I know she doesn't like me right now and has many issues with me that she is unable to communicate because she has a communication problem according to her. Oh well continue to work on me for me and if I stick around much longer to see if she wants to work on us then great but at this point I'm tired of the games. I just want to be a good person just because I do and am. It's my W's decision if she can trust my changes or finds her knight in shining armor in the other green grass with whole new set of problems.

I'm back to moving on and GAL time. Going shooting with some buddies tomorrow which is very therapeutic as you can imagine. I won the NCAA tournament at my work which I'm happy about and now I have to decide which new phone I want since my contract is finally up. I got Easter stuff line up for my S and ready to have a good time.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2235050 - 04/03/12 01:16 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Feel bad for you, that you have such a little son. Hang in there!

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#2235537 - 04/04/12 11:36 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: hopeless in wa]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Well, my W met with her L who emailed my L saying here are the papers will your client sign them. The L mentioned that things were amicable but she wanted to move through with the D. I'm not going to stop it this time. If my W wants to chase after all these other men and is done with our marriage then there is nothing I can do. I'm done fighting this and I don't want to live in this open marriage anymore. I have learned more than I can ever imagine and will continue to learn but I'm ready to move on.

I have a lot of thoughts about my W's path and new lifestyle but that is her's to choose. I had a great time yesterday target shooting and plan on doing it more. Not sure how the soccer thing is going to work out but I will be there for my S. I feel like I should have something profound to say but I don't other than I feel I tried to give my best. I'm know I'm not perfect and have my problems but I'm willing to admit them, talk about them, and work on them. My W never got to that point and that was always a problem in our marriage because she never did share her problems with me or others that she has issues with. I can't read minds and nor can anyone else.

This sounds weird but I almost feel like I followed the pattern of a typical woman who wanted to talk problems out and she was more of the typical man who didn't want to talk and avoided things. Weird but true.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2235582 - 04/05/12 09:04 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 3839
Loc: Florida
Snowman,

I'm sorry. I know I've busted your balls along the way, but you are right -- you HAVE tried, and you have faced your shortcomings bravely and given good effort. You can sleep well knowing that you fought for this, and I'm proud of your effort.

You never know what the future holds. Something like 20% of D'd couples remarry each other, and almost always the marriage is way better than before. Just strive to treat your wife with grace and compassion (while not putting up with crap behavior), as it will serve you well going forward.


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235597 - 04/05/12 10:42 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: Snowman
This sounds weird but I almost feel like I followed the pattern of a typical woman who wanted to talk problems out and she was more of the typical man who didn't want to talk and avoided things. Weird but true.


I feel the same way Snow. I have shouldered the majority of the responsibility for being where we are but my w rarely if ever talked to me deeply or to let me know how truly unhappy she was. She avoided confrontation and r talks like the plague.

I am planning on reading your entire thread because every time I read an update our sitch's are very similar.

Best to you Snow!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2235709 - 04/05/12 04:21 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: sayitaintso]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
This sounds weird but I almost feel like I followed the pattern of a typical woman who wanted to talk problems out and she was more of the typical man who didn't want to talk and avoided things. Weird but true.
Not weird... particularly if you're a "fixer". You want to fix and that means you have to know. To know you have to talk.

I don't remember if you're read No Mr. Nice Guy but there's a part there as well about communicating problems out. Anyway, the stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. My W was the quiet one who doesn't talk about feelings, and this is something she readily admits.

Oddly enough we've probably talked more about her feelings, in an honest way, since this whole thing blew up than we ever did in the previous years.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2236374 - 04/08/12 06:17 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: workinghardguy]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Well I got into a little bit a a heated text battle with my W a day or so ago. My W likes to call to talk to my S at random times everyday and while I'm fine with it also makes things hard because I have to explain to my S where she is every time.

Anyway my W called and talked to my S and hangs up immediately so she can avoid communication with me. I texted her to inform her the doctor office called to give her results from her appointment and to say that it would have been nice if she could of informed me of her decision about moving ahead with the divorce instead of hearing it from my lawyer like I politely asked her last time we talked. She said she had called the doctors office for the results, thanks and that she didn't want to have the conversation over the phone. I'm sorry. My thoughts are she would rather just let me find out through her lawyer rather than telling me because she is chicken, my opinion.

I said I put myself out there and I know my problems but I don't feel like you ever did that which is your choice but this was not all me. (I know this was probably not the best thing to say but I'm done taking all the blame for this). I don't want to live this open marriage anymore so if what you are doing makes you happy then so be it. I'm a work in progress but so are all of us. Your cold reaction to me lately sends enough message. I wish you were honest about all the other guys through all this as I feel like you made me compete but oh well.

She said back-I'm sorry, but I do feel this is best for me. I can't go back to feeling like crap all the time. I know you say you have Changed and that's great but I can't do it.

Me-Well I'm sorry you feel that way and that you always felt like crap. I have changed but saying that means nothing only actions do. Have you changed? I don't want you to "do it anymore" but neither do I. That life is over. I want to start over but that is up to you. (She did not respond).

I know I'm going to get 2x4's for this but I telling you the truth to what I said, partially because I'm tired of her manipulation of me and these games. I most likely let my feelings get the best of me for part of it but I was also honest as well. I'm tired of being responsible for her feeling like crap or her anger. I'm not taking it anymore and I'm tired of being the nice guy that apologizes for everything (I know I did in this text) and a fixer which I know I was. Sorry for the partial vent but I'm done living like this anymore. I choose to detach (which I still have some more work to do) and move on.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2236391 - 04/08/12 08:24 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
twom7 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/27/10
Posts: 34
Snowman,
I am in a similiar sitch my wife filed for divorce in Jan 2012 and I moved up to a house I was remodeling about an hour away. We had our 18th anniversary in March and I sent her a small text telling her that I did not forget what day it was, but I did not do anything beyond that...
I bought and completed a Mort Fortel course called marriage fitness which is an excellent course, but I am not bugging her about whether she wants to go thru the course...I just leave her alone...
Gandi said: "become the change in the world you desire", and I have made the statement that "you get what you give" both are true and accurate...
I know that we guys tend to want to FIX things, but in these sitch we have to back off and do nothing...
Mort Fertels Marriage Fitness course is a great alternative to marriage counseling...
I quickly learned that MC was not worth a hoot, but Mort takes you back to the basics that helped us all fall in love...and stay in love...
At this point I am quietly trying to let her work it out in her mind, but I have accepted that we might end up divorced...
It is what it is...
Please know that you are not alone in all of this...
Thanks and try to stay positive...

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#2236399 - 04/08/12 09:34 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: twom7]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Telling a woman you have changed is the same as telling a bartender your good for it. Get ya next time.

Both will flat out not believe you on it.

Never tell a woman you have changed. Its very weak.

The only way to change is to quietly address what you need to change. Work at changing that behavior. If you slip or mess up. You own up to it right away. And continue to work at it.

Soon enough you will change.

And only you will know it.

And that is all who needs to know.

Actions. Not words my friend.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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