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wow! time for a new thread. my old one..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2205555#Post2205555

last night i felt so lonely. i slept in the kids room in bed w/ my D2. was comforting to rub her little foot. was also nice not to be in a big bed all alone!

i decided to pick up a few groceries today. it's been my habit to stock the fridge on fridays before i leave for the weekend. made it easy for H. today i just picked up some basics for the kids. milk, bread.. as i was walking down the aisles, i felt panic and anxiety setting in. it was that.. i'm doing something i've done a million times.. but this time it was different. i had to take deep breaths and get the heck out of there!

S5 asked today if he would see daddy today. i said yes and then i would be leaving. S5 reached out his hand gently and stroked my arm. i know he's saying he misses me when i'm not there. he said, you and daddy need to work it out together. we can stay together. it's so heartbreaking. i'm so angry at what he's doing to the kids. what a joke to think that they won't be affected!

i honestly feel like i just want to curl up in bed and sleep. i am so exhausted. mentally and physically drained. i really need a little light at the end of the tunnel!


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
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Posts: 803
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I am having trouble getting through the day.

I keep thinking.. H is wondering what's out there. The friendship he has with OW.. He has always been fascinated with her.. She hunts.. She's a former chef.. Always wanted kids but doesn't have any of her own.. Loves her niece and nephew.. They are such good friends. How do I compete? I can't see positives for me that would outweigh the newness of OP.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
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Is your H looking at my OW too??? Sounds like we married the same kind of guy and they have found similar OWs... except mine was my BFF for over 6 years, so I *really know* what my competition is contributing to him... makes me sick.

Please go back and read the posts the 25 has put on my page about 'dealing with' the OW I think they start on page 2 or 3). There's too much for me to repost here, but her insights have helped to put things in perspective... not that I'm actually *succeeding* and doing her suggestions, it's given me a goal to work towards.

Long story short: we can't compete, but we don't have to. It's not our job to point out the negatives of the OW and try to 'teach' our H about what's going to happen if they go down that path, they will learn the hard way. And when things start to crash (a while from now) as long as we have left the path home smooth for them, they will see the value of reconciling with us (the mother of their children) instead of learning someone new.

I really want to believe this ^^^^ is the process they will go through, but you and I are in the same boat right now: not sure how this could ever change for the better.

Are you on the east coast? How close can we get to GAL together? I wonder.....


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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I'm on the westcoast. I take it you are on the eastcoast?

I have made plans to hang out with a gf tonight. I just didn't feel like sitting around tonight crying my heart out even though that is exactly what I want to do!

I am not beaten yet. There's still retrouvaille in April. So I have to really GAL and DB before then. I still believe in my marriage even though some family and friends will think I'm crazy. Am i crazy?

I am going to read 25's post tonight on the OW when I get back to my mom's.

In the meantime, I am still the mother of these 2 beautiful children. I have lots of great qualities that H just had forgotten to look at in a long time.. I'm pretty fantastic (gotta say it 'til I believe it!)


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
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So happy you're going out tonight! Sitting alone (with only your thoughts for company) can be dangerous.

I don't even know you- and *I* think you're pretty fantastic! Keep focusing on yourself and your fantastic DB abilities (fake it till you make it!!)

I've heard amazing things about Retrouvaille.... I wish I could get H to even consider it (not going to happen now that OW is gaining attention.)

Try to find one thing to smile or laugh about tonight, you're doing a great thing for yourself!!


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 803
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BFloat Offline OP
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Purg.. Thanks for the kind words. I think you're pretty fab yourself! We may be kindred spirits! Hahaha

H txted me asking when he should head home. I guess it's a good sign that he's still calling it home? Not reading too much into it. When he got there, it was so hard because of the way he looked at me. That.. I've hurt you so much and I'm sorry look..

I said we could talk for 5 mins. I started by saying I was disappointed in his decision because I hadnt expected him to say everything would go back to normal but I had hoped he would have given it more time. Mentioned a few minor things then told H that I didn't want to tell kids about D until everything was finalized. I didn't want them to start worrying. Also said I wanted to talk to kids at night when they were ready to go to bed. Kept it brief and then I said goodbye to the kids.. Hardest goodbye yet.. And then quickly hightailed it out of there to go cry in the car.

I ate dinner. That's a good step. Haven't had much of an appetite lately but mom bought some of my favourite stuff. She's worried.. I know. I have to muster up the strength and courage to live a happy life without H. It's really scary.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Sep 2011
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One mantra that has really helped me through this is "One day at a time"

On most days I am with my girls and I am so lucky to have them and spend time with them. D3 will never be 3 again, D1 will never be 20months again.

On days I am not with my girls I am super busy doing everything else.

"I have to muster up the strength and courage to live a happy life without H. It's really scary." Thinking too far ahead usually gets me depressed. I just think about today.

I try to be really gentle with myself. I dont beat myself up if I dont make it to the gym. I say oh well.

stay busy, thinking of you


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Bk, that's your program showing through. Good Great job! smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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BFloat Offline OP
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BK - yes.. one day at a time. baby steps. i keep wanting to take giant leaps and have to remember to slow everything down.

that's my new goal. slow it down. it's been about 3 months since bomb dropped and i had expected so much to change by now. i think MC also pushed H out the door much quicker than it should have so.. i need to get to a slower pace so i have the time to make changes and apply them to M. time is my friend.

talked to my babies before they went to bed tonight. that is what i plan to do from now on if i am away from them. just to say goodnight.. tell them how much i love them.. and that i miss them as well. it really did cheer me right up! i love those little beings so much!!!!

something i will also be doing soon is setting boundaries w/ friends. mainly BF.. i understand why she feels the need to say the things she does but, i do not want to hear that it's better that we D now rather than later.. that it's better for the kids if he's so unhappy etc. it upsets me because i don't believe it's better for the kids and so it just makes me mad when people feel they are consoling me. anyone else have this problem?

hung out with a gf tonight. we first had to put her little ones to bed. this is a gf i have known since we were 12. the funny thing is that we have kids who are exactly the same age. both have S5 and D2. just a couple of months apart from one another. never planned it that way. when we were little, we use to talk about how our kids would be BFs and we would have bbqs and stuff together.

anyway.. she had them in the bath and i was just sitting in the BR w/ them (her D wanted me to hang out), i had such a sad feeling that i should be home w/ my own kids bathing them. as much as i love being able to GAL and have some me time, there is nothing i would rather do than be w/ my little ones. sigh.

went to a movie. saw "extremely close and incredibly loud". wow! excellent movie. very powerful. i was teary at some points. if any of the dads get a chance to see it, i would love to hear your feedback on the movie because i thought it had such a great story on the father/son relationship.

now, off to bed to think of happy thoughts only. tomorrow i have to compose my list for the "financial talk" as well as read up on advice to better DB as well as detaching. some tough work ahead. will read DB all over again too.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 825
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Posts: 825
Very brave of you to see *that* movie. The previews for it alone are enough to bring up the tears. (It doesn't help that I had an uncle in tower 1 that didn't make it out... it's a tough topic in my family.)

I have limited my self to movies that fall into 'action', 'suspense' and 'stupid funny' categories- very carefully avoiding anything that could possibly bring up emotions. Unfortunately, I went to see "Contraband" (GREAT movie btw, and Mark Walburg is some good eye candy) BUT the main characters, are mine and H's names! AND they have 2 little boys- a little too close to home.

I know it must have been tough to be around her kids, since they are so similar to your own. It's good that you call your babies every night, they might not be able to verbalize it yet to you- but they will remember that you *always* told them goodnight/ I love you, even when you were away. You are planting the seeds for them to know how much you really love them.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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