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Never thought I'd be here........Part 5

Thought I would take everyone's advice and start a new thread before the other went on lock down.

So the question that had been posed is how do you balance (or should I say how do I balance) letting my w know that I am happy knowing that she will equate it to her being gone and hence STAY gone. As opposed to letting her know that I am NOT happy without her, but living my life in a positive manner.

Crimson

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what everyone else said...

be happy b/c no matter what twist YOU fear she'll put on it ("I knew you would be"--means either she's the problem OR that you don't really care for her --- but you'll show her in other ways that you DO)

the alternative of being miserable, is NOT appealing or attractive.

I don't know how else to say that or hammer it in. Being happy and content is a positive trait (that's why Aristotle said "happiness is a virtue" b/c he knows we create it for ourselves)

and being sad or discontent, let alone depressed or morose is, quite frankly, a tad repulsive. SORRY!!!

When my h began to want to reconcile he mentioned that he had not gone outside Other than work, in a few days, He said "I think I'm a little depressed"...and later in the talk he mentioned missing me and the kids...yes it struck me. But I didn't want to be his cure. I wanted to be his partner.


Don't lay the responsiblity of your happiness in her lap and think she'll want to pick that up.

Okay? You can convey that you want her in your life without being sad.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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If you are happy, your W won't be opposed to being around you, knowing that you aren't going to be all hound dog on her.

Once you are happy and you define the qualities of a partner that you would like to share your happy with... then YOU get to decide whether or not your W fits that bill...

IF your W fits the bill, SHE gets to choose whether she wants to share happy with you...

It is a choice that two people make as individuals... towards a mutually desired and healthy partnership...

Your W wouldn't want to be with someone who is unhappy...

and if your W is crazy enough to NOT want to be with you in your happy state... would you really want her to be unhappy in that role?

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Crimson Offline OP
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I hear you, and agree with you KD. But what if she just hates my a$$ right now? I mean, I don't THINK that is the case - but who knows. She has been kind enough to invite me into her condo to play with the baby on "her" day with him. We don't have "deep" talks in those moments, but we DO talk.

I guess I keep going back to the fact that yes, she sees me as being happy - and that is a good thing. But she thinks I am happy because she is out of my life and that is a bad thing.

Do I tell her yes - I am happy, but it is not BECAUSE you're gone - it's DESPITE the fact that you're gone. I am happy because I have gotten out of my own way and have decided to focus on making myself happy. I am focusing on making the changes necessary to make life better for me - and I want you and S to be a part of that.

I wanted to say that "not a day goes by where I don't miss you and our son together" - but that sounds kind of pathetic, doesn't it?

Did NOT expect this part to be so thought provoking.

Crimson

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Originally Posted By: Crimson
But what if she just hates my a$$ right now?

...

I guess I keep going back to the fact assumption that ... she thinks I am happy because she is out of my life ...


Of she hates your butt, right now... then she hates your butt... right now. And that is NO reason to think she will always hate your butt...

When she mentions you are happy, VALIDATE. "Yes, I am happy."

IF... IF, IF, IF she says, "I knew you would be happy without me." THEN you can mention that your happiness has NOTHING TO DO with her not being in your life.

Anything else is mind reading.

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NLW Offline
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Hey Crimson,

Sorry to be blunt here, but

Can't help but feel that you're still trying to tell her she's wrong.

You know we can't TELL them, we can only ACT as better people.

And do you truly think she doesn't know that "not a day goes by where I don't miss you and our son together"?

And if you do know this, what does telling her again achieve? One thing for sure, it makes her feel bad about herself. That is, in her mind, again, YOU make her feel BAD.

This is not the outcome to strive for.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to be patient, re-read DR, and realise that this situation is probably not going to change in a hurry.

If she initiates R talk again, you could, maybe, put forward a line or two about having worked on yourself and having realised the importance of the changes you've made for your relationship with S. But that's about all I'd offer at this stage.

Leave the rest to your actions. And believe me, she's going to notice - your son's behaviour as he grows, even when you are not there, will demonstrate how much you've changed.

Sorry if this sounds too forceful, I really feel for you on this point and am going through the same issue myself (with the added complication that my H believes I am not only happier without him, but 'better off', as he has 'ruined my life').

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Quote:
Do I tell her yes - I am happy, but it is not BECAUSE you're gone
-

No, let her figure it out.

Listen, why are you scared of this? You can't lose it if you don't have it, so why are you scared of losing it?

Instead of her thinking that you're the loser......maybe she needs to wonder if she's the real loser in this situation. And, she will....if she sees you being happy and being the better man that you've become. And, let's face the truth here okay? You are happier b/c she left you! If she had not left you, then you'd be the same as you were in past years. When she left you, it forced you to do something about yourself. But here's a secret.....you don't have to tell the woman that! wink


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Crimson Offline OP
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Sure, Sandi - I see your point and fully acknowledge that you know a TON more about this than I do. Let me say that again - a TON.

You sure have a lot of faith that she sees and feels a LOT more than I think she does. I hope you are right!

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So much wisdom in these ^^^^ words and others that have posted.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Crimson - don't forget, Sandi was in your W's shoes. She knows what is talking about.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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