CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE!

[MynameisMZ]

It surely is an individual decision and no two sitches are alike really. I agree that you have to set your goals, outline your "campaign" startegies as 25 suggests.

FWIW, in my sitch, I ignored all signs of an A for months. I then went into denial about it and it went on and on; first as an EA, then into a PA really over a 2 year period.

I started to confront it and he denied it was PA, but did to an EA and vowed to stop. He also confessed to me that he put the move on ow 6 months prior and she rebuffed him.

My suspicions grew and I started to snoop. I snooped because I came to a decision for MYSELF that I could not live a lie and I needed to know. I found evidence because he let me see the cell phone records. 3000 contacts each month with her and maybe 20 to me. Why did he give me the password?

Long story short, I did confront them. They of course denied it. Their agreement was to deny, deny, deny at all costs.

After the confrontation H continued to only admit to an EA. So, I requested he tell his best friend at work about it. Why did I do that? Because I made a decision for MYSELF that I was not going to be a doormat. The light needed to shine on them and they needed to be exposed. See, I believe that A can only exists in the darkness and secrecy and I was not prepared to be a part of that. That's just who I am.

I know I am not someone who can look the other way. Another thing I did was to issue a LRT right away. I don't necessarily advise others to do this because it is a very individual decision. I just told him that if it had not become physical, I didn't understand that (knowing my H's sex drive)and that maybe he should leave and go to her and see if that is what he wanted. He didn't leave. Six weeks later he left his "secret" e-mail open and I found all the chats. I then knew it had been physical and we hit rock bottom.

Yes, the ow called me crazy, and she did and said a lot of very evil and mean things. And yes, my H did move towards her for about a month. It had to play itself out and I am convinced I had no control over that. It was a very painful time.

But the ball was set in motion and it did lose its shine. My confrontation was a catalyst for change. The A died a painful and slow death. My H continued to be in a fog for quite some time. I can tell you now, 19 months after the exposure, that we are very happy, very much in love again, and look at that whole thing as a tragedy that happened to our M.
We've been rebuilding us ever since.

My H and I talk frequently about my "interventions" and how they were instrumental in getting him out of her clutches.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm glad confronting and exposing to other 3rd parties worked out for you.

But it is NOT what DB recommends, and in fact they oppose involving others.

You are the only person who says it worked for them.

I only advise snooping if you are SURE it's a gamechanger...

I never advise telling 3rd parties, ever. I am not sure if that helped you as much as other efforts on your end...

Or,

are you saying YOU changed nothing in yourself the whole time??

I'm going to guess you GAL and did some introspection and 180s, b/c I've never seen punishing a spouse into returning, last. (And you can't have read DB and DR and not gotten anything out of them).

But it'd be good and perhaps more helpful if you told us about your inward journey if there was one, rather than suggesting what is not advised here. You may not be suggesting it but merely mentioning that and only that action

implies that's what worked. I don't think I buy it...I mean, did you honestly change nothing else in your dynamic?

Not to nitpick or bust your chops, it's just that I've seen this "tell others" about it, backfire EVERY other time here. Big time. Always seems to look punitive and vindictive...usually is.

And I've been here awhile...

but I'm sincere when I say I'm glad you reconciled or are in piecing.

[angel61]

I read both of MZ's and 25's post and it got me thinking....

Although it is true that DB does not push confrontation or snooping, in most cases that I have seen here involving an A, the spouse already has ofund out or the bomb has been dropped. In Abbey's case, there is no bomb drop. It seems like her H is intent on living a double life, a lie, so to speak.

I don't think DBing will work in this case too. There are two scenarios here Abbey: either your H will one day just drop the bomb on you, or the A will fizzle out. In the meantime, you are just killing yourself with the suspicions and the pain of rejection. Whatever you are doing right now is not working, as the situation seems to be slowly getiing worse.

In my case, when I started suspecting an A I confronted my H right away (probably right at the very start of it) and asked what was going on. At that time, it quickly led the sitch to crisis levels, with bomb drop happening soon after. Thinking back, I think my knowing and asking did push it to that point more quickly than if I had let it play out by itself.

In our case, the A only remained an EA. I was in horrible pain, but what I felt was that at least it moved along. I learned my lessons, and thanks to this board, was able to recover my strength and move along.

My H, although initially brought up D, did not push through with it. I told him that for me, if we were going to separate, might as well have a D. Our D was a big reason for us to stay together though, especially since she has an anxiety disorder and we went through some really hairy times when she cut herself and when she once was thinking of suicide.

I made it clear though that I was not going to be in an M with him having an A. He asked for time to get over it, and continued a "hidden friendship" with OW, but I could not tolerate that either and at a certain point told him he had to end it all, as neither I nor our D could last in that situation.

Ultimately he agreed and we went to Retrouvaille.

Now we are in piecing.

My H thanks me now for staying, for being strong, for loving him unconditionally.

But I don't think we will be like this if we never got it out in the open.

[~ kd ~]

DB does not recommend confrontation.

In the end, it is a choice.

If someone wants to be brave enough to prove that confrontation really is the solution, then I and possibly others would be open to that. Of course, it would take a significant data set of confrontation vs. non confrontation to show any statistical leanings.

So again, in the end... it's a choice. But be responsible in that choice. If it doesn't work, there are no take backs. When only three people are involved (H, W, and OP), there is quite likely the least amount of "damage". In some cases, affairs can be lethal. And that's not stated as a joke.

[25yearsmlc]

Angel

even if confronting in THIS situation were a good idea (and I do see the point you are making about the double life)

but the suggestion I was specifically responding to was involving OTHER 3RD parties.

Honestly I cannot ever imagine that being a good idea. It just looks punitive or vindictive and worse, it plays so well into the "crazy wife" images many have and the h is probably using to justify his choice to leave. So it hurst the w's cause.

Case in point--A woman in my high school class posted on our class's FB page (for which I am the administrator)

that her h had left her for OW--another classmate from long ago.

I deleted the w's post after 2 requests from neutral parties, who thought it was inappropriate and weird. (I had not checked the page in weeks, so I just didn't know about it).

But that's how two people not involved in the sitch, saw THE WIFE, not the OW...

and I find that's more likely than garnering sympathy for going public...

[tested metal]

I did it and now I am probably screwed. I wish i would have listened to the advice here, but the in-laws claimed they were pro-marriage. Now they are supporting her with the divorce!

Good luck with that!

[angel61]

25,

I know what you mean! I didn't even mean to imply confronting the OW, more of the problem (and maybe her H). That is why I gave the example of my sitch (I did not confront OW initially, the first time I talked to OW was when I thought that they had already broke up their EA, and that did not work well, I think it was part of what made them continue contact clandestinely) - I used to agonize whether I did the right thing or not, but in the end I think I did....I would not have learned my lessons had I not faced the problem head on.

One of the things about problem solving, you have to know what the problem is. So in Abbey's case, at this point there is no evidence, the problem is still in her mind, right? Can she even prove that he is lying? What if he really had work to do in San Marcos? What if she is just a paranoid person? Even if she cuaght her H lying, how does she really know that he has an A? What will she do about it? Can she DB at this point, when he has not even dropped a bomb yet?

Maybe gather evidence first? At least then Abbey will know for sure. Then she will know what to do - whether it be to confront her H on whats happening (without even mentioning OW), or just plan to be better than OW and spice up her M. Maybe she can say (or write) something like:

"H, I know we have been married for XX amount of years, and I have been really happy and content but I do notice that you are changing. We no longer have sex, etc. etc...Is there anything wrong (this is just in essence, but there are many ways to write it).

If I remember the DR book, it does say that you can try writing about your problem to your spouse, request changes, explanations, honesty, etc. The example there was the drinking? I don't have the book with me right now but I will check tonite and post tomorrow.

[angel61]

Tested metal, and thats one thing about relatives - blood is always thicker than water! I did talk about our sitch to my H's sibsand it did backfire on me. Although they did support me, they took it upon themselves to tell my H that they felt he should stay, and although in the end my H did stay, it brought up some bad feelings in him about me making him seem bad to his family.

[keep_going]

Confronting and exposing did NOT work for me...

I found out H was dating when I caught him at his place with someone else... We had been separated a couple of months and he swore that he wasn't dating. (I knew he was on a dating site a couple of months before this, but never confronted him on that).

He said he was then just casually dating. I later found out he was sleeping with OW, someone with whom he had started an EA before leaving. At first I didn't confront, but he became sloppy about hiding it, and I finally confronted him - in a very ANGRY way. I tried to guilt him, judged them both and it all backfired. I just pushed him more to be with her because I was so angry and I just wanted to be right... Bad idea.

My second mistake - when I first found out about his lies and dating, I confided in my two SILs. I am very close to them and they have been part of my support group. I was desperate and grief-stricken. I begged them not to judge him or tell anyone.

Long story short, someone said something and when H recently tried to introduce OW to his family as a new girlfriend and legitimize his R with her, he found out that his sisters already knew and he was furious at me. He accused me of trying to badmouth OW and ruin his R with her because of my jealousy.

Very, very bad ideas and I live with the consequences of my mistakes - and my H's anger every day.

I just hope this can help someone else not commit them too..

[MynameisMZ]

Let me clarify....quickly....that I did all of that BEFORE I found DB.

In counseling and subsequent discussions with my H, it was my going after him that was my 180! I can get into all the psychology of the whole A from both our pasts, it's not important here.

I really do believe it was a catalyst for change in my situation. In no way did I ever wish to imply or advise anyone else to do it. That is why I capitalized MYSELF.

I was very clear that I was not going to stay in a M where my H was having an A. With that decision made for myself, I made the moves I made.

I do feel badly about using his best friend at work to confide in. I have made amends there.

I had a life, that was part of the problem, I was TOO independent...enough about me. Abbey!