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#2212939 - 01/15/12 09:53 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 12124
Abby -
I hate to say it, but I kinda wish you had gone, waited for them to come out together, and confronted them.

NOT that this is usually good advice. But I sense that you keep being held hostage by his lies - so long as he won't outright admit he's still seeing her, you can question yourself and hold onto that tiny shred of hope that there really is a legitimate explanation for everything you are seeing.

You can't confront him now - as you've said, he's already got his "legal" excuse in place.

I'm still for a private investigator in your case - I think if you had photos and proof that they are still carrying on, it would break the impasse you are in. Maybe for bad, maybe for good - but you can't keep on the way you have been, can you?

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#2213012 - 01/16/12 03:32 AM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: kml]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
I'm also with kml...not sure about confronting with OW there...but if you have proof, I think you should bring this into the open. Otherwise, are you happy like this?

From my experience, you are in for potentially a very long road if you just let things run their course. If you love him enough at this point to endure it, great....but you do not seem happy and I don't think he deserves to be treated with kid gloves.
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2213014 - 01/16/12 03:51 AM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: Nblost]
dbmod Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 2155
Hi abbey,

The best advice is to get EXPERT advice before confronting or even hiring an investigator. You are in for a potentially very long road no matter what you do, and you want to give yourself the best chances for success and happiness. Of course the experts we recommend are Michele and/or the DB coaches, but the board is NOT expert advice. You may have a promarriage counselor nearby that can help you.

If you confront the OW (and if you tell other folks like family or friends) you set something in motion that you can never reverse.

Before you do ANYTHING, know YOUR goals. THEN figure out what you need to do to achieve your goals, not just react.

Wishing you the BEST!
_________________________
dbmod

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#2213058 - 01/16/12 02:10 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: dbmod]
Lostforwords Offline
Member

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 1028
Loc: Asheville, NC
Abbey,

I am no expert.....other than been there done that. Like DBmod noted....by confronting them all you would have done is set a ball rolling that is unstoppable and the damage...unrepairable. Yes you are hurting, I can understand that...in the end though confronting the affair by showing up at the college would achieve nothing. In the end you would will horrible, anger your husband, give the OW ammunition in that you are crazy, and you would not stop the affair.

The affair is out of your control...completely...and trying to control something that is out of your control is a waste of your time.

I haven't read your stitch, but what are you doing for you? I like the beach visit, but what else?
_________________________
"Be the changes you want to see in the world"

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#2213087 - 01/16/12 04:10 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: Lostforwords]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 247
Loc: Southern California
Thank you all SO MUCH. This all started with H and his OW leaving her then husband 3 1/2 years ago. In fact....I remember the last actual day when I was still "oblivious" to their affair. Sometimes I still wish I didn't know. It was the night that Obama won the 2008 election. Here it is, another election cycle and here we are. So much has happened since then (good and bad). I still can't seem to grasp the motivation for H staying here with me. Why? When he seems to spend a decent amount of time with OW, building her new house, attending her class, etc...all supposedly unbeknownst to me.

H did say after the new year that he wants to take over all of his business office work (bookkeeping, etc...) since I am now working full-time. At this point I am ready to turn it over. Not that there is much going on. He has just had some small little projects since September. Have had to dip into savings to keep the ship afloat.

DBMod...thank you and I have had 6 DB sessions with Jodi, 3 over the last year. She is great by the way. What I got out of my last session in October was to not give myself permission to "snoop". Which I did when I googled OW and saw that she was conducting class next day. Then found H's car there. I caused my own pain and anxiety. Stupid.

Agreed Lostforwords that the affair is completely out of my control. I just need to make that sink into my thick skull.

This morning, I thought about how I never would have imagined I'd be in this protracted situation. Now just figure out how best to move forward...for me.

xo, A.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

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#2213968 - 01/19/12 02:33 AM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: imthemom]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 247
Loc: Southern California
Hi,

Got home from work today at around 4 and H was home....he seemed like a caged cat. He said he wanted to do something tonight and that he hasn't done anything at night in the last 3-6 months. He "just comes home". Well yeah...I reminded him that is what I do! And he has supposedly gone to a couple of work Christmas parties that I was also invited to but he didn't happen to mention it until the day of while I was a work.

So tonight I said I was going to work on paying some bills (biz & personal). Then he did say AGAIN that he plans to take on all of his office work. Part of me says YES! He should.....since I'm working full-time and I don't really know what the "H" he is doing right now all day long.....but then I think I should try to keep in the mix to know what's going on with the money.

I think OW's new house will be finished by June or so by my last "drive-by". I'm wondering if that is why he wants me to turn the books over to him or if he really is "concerned" about how much I am working like he says. ha ha.

He rarely makes advances anymore. And when I do he always makes an excuse like "stomach hurts" or "going to the gym".

I'm really not an ogre. smile

So that is the sitch. Boring as always. I wish I was a gal who had more gumption.

xo, A.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

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#2214048 - 01/19/12 02:40 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5228
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: abbey1989
I wish I was a gal who had more gumption.





So work on that. smirk



Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2214436 - 01/20/12 10:03 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: Starsky309]
angel61 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 1048
Loc: California
Abbey, do you plan on living the rest of your life like that?

If your H really wanted the OW over you, he would have left 3 years ago. The way it is, you are just being a doormat, letting him have his cake and eat it too, while you writhe in pain and jealousy and uncertainty, everyday waiting for the bomb to drop.

If he is ignoring you sexually, then you do have grounds to ask him what's up. Tell him that you are concerned about your marriage, that it is changing, whatever.

In many cases, confrontation is needed for the sitch to play out.
_________________________
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18
Bomb: 6/26/10
EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ???
11/5/11 Retrouvaille
Finally piecing....
Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go

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#2214458 - 01/20/12 11:09 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: angel61]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10869
Loc: west coast
Abbey

you need a plan, a "Campaign" of sorts. What are your GAL and 180s?

You just seem to be giving him ALL your power and waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's no way to live.

Maybe you can come up with an action plan w/Jodi or somehow know there's something that you are doing...as opposed to just worrying and waiting...

oh and what about meeting with a L so your financial fears are allayed?

(knowledge is power and you do not have to DO anything legal...just get information)

good luck
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2214626 - 01/21/12 08:19 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: 25yearsmlc]
AJM80 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/10
Posts: 304
Hi Abbey - long time no talk. I've been in a bit of a transition cycle, but am a lot happier and clearer minded now. H is still living on east coast, we're living in midwest near family. Getting that space away from the drama has been huge. When I focus on other woman, I still get angry sometimes. When I think about my husband, I realize how messed up he is and how long this process has to be. Usually it's not my focus, I'm just living life.

I'd really like to hear what you want and what you'll do if he comes home tomorrow and tells you he's moving out to be with OW. Not the gritty crap that we've all been through, but are you on the way to where and who you want to be? I agree that he's made the decision NOT to leave you because he would rather live with you than with her.

I'd also like to know if your husband might be hiding money and that's why he just has a few projects. Not a cycle to get into, but please make sure you and your kids will be ok financially and have some time.
_________________________
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.
--Stanislaw Lem

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