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#2212741 - 01/14/12 12:46 PM CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE!
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 246
Loc: Southern California
OK, I didn't plan on posting any more....but I am very distraught. My H told me he had to work today. But....I new that his "OW" was teaching/facilitating a class today at the college. I drove there and his car is parked. HE FREAKIN LIED ABOUT WORK. I knew it....that is why I drove there because I saw online that she was conducting this class.

SHOULD I GO AND WAIT FOR THE CLASS TO BE OVER AND SURPRISE THEM BOTH? INTRODUCE MYSELF TO OW?

Please any comments are much appreciated. I have an hour to make a decision.

Abbey
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

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#2212752 - 01/14/12 01:30 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
What do you hope to gain?

I understand how you feel and I had plenty of time to "catch" my W with either one of her two OM's... and I didn't...

Does that make me "right" or "better"... no... I just didn't because, in my mind... it really was pointless... it might have made me feel better in the moment, but it would have been a very fleeting moment...

Do what you feel you need to do. If you feel like confronting, then confront... if not, drive away...

Just be willing to deal with the results of what ever you choose.

If you choose to drive away... be prepared to say, "I am done snooping and chasing my H and his OW. They are free to do what they want and I cannot control that."

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#2212753 - 01/14/12 01:31 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
imthemom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 343
Loc: California
Dont do it abbey....its not worth it, neither one of them will care and you will just look like the crazy person.

be the bigger person and just know that hes a spineless coward, that is why he has to lie about were he is. Hes not a big enough man to be an adult and just be honest.
_________________________
Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...

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#2212755 - 01/14/12 01:36 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: imthemom]
too trusting Offline
Member

Registered: 07/21/11
Posts: 133
I agree with ITM, don't confront them right now. BUT take some pictures in case you need them later.
_________________________
Me: 60 H: 63
married 40, together 42
3 grown kids

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#2212762 - 01/14/12 02:07 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: ~ kd ~]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 246
Loc: Southern California
Kaffe...thank you. I really mean it. xo, abbey
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

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#2212770 - 01/14/12 02:37 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
NP, Abbey. I really do so get that feeling. I really did have many, many opportunities to "catch" my W. It was the hardest thing to not do, after the snooping part...

It took me a long, long time to get over it and eventually, I did. Even now, I still have moments of anxiety over it.

Part of what helped me was truly knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop her. Nothing... Well, not just knowing that, but accepting that... completely...

The opportunity for an A arises and the reasons are really irrelevant. They move towards it and that is that. The reasons... our contribution, their contribution, the OP's contribution... is all really irrelevant. There are no take backs... only acceptance, forgiveness, surrender... transformation... you're transformation to the person you become... the FANTASTIC person you grow into, because of working through the hurt and re-learning to trust and love again... trust and love one's self...

Be well... {{{Abbey1989}}}

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#2212781 - 01/14/12 04:46 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: ~ kd ~]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 246
Loc: Southern California
Wow...thank you. In the end...I didn't drive to the school to meet them. My son saw me crying. I have a hard time not spilling the beans to him. Anyway...H called about 12:45pm and because I had completely worked myself up...when he called I asked "so...were you in San Clemente all morning?". And he kind of said well no I was in San Marcos at the steel vendor (right!). And then he said that his San Clemente client is doing some big project in San Marcos near the college. ha ha ha. Already working his "legit excuse" for being at csusm. Instead of working in San Clemente like he told me. Would have maybe been a legit excuse if his ow wasn't conducting her groovy vineyard class same time, same day. Am I a moron?
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

Top
#2212782 - 01/14/12 04:55 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: imthemom]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 246
Loc: Southern California
Hi I'm the mom........thank you. You and kaffe were completely my voice of reason today. Much appreciated!!!!!!!

Nothing has changed in my situation, but at least I avoided a big blowout. Went to the beach instead.

Thank you.......A.
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

Top
#2212890 - 01/15/12 01:27 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
abbey1989 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 246
Loc: Southern California
Awkward afternoon yesterday. After H called after being at OW's seminar, I bolted. went to the beach for 2 hrs. Didn't bring cell. He called so many times. I must have missed at least 25 calls. He was working on son's bike when I got home. He said "I thought we were going to do that together" but I didn't want to be with him at that moment. Then....I was watching a movie at home and he put a blanket on me (nice) and I suggested we go to a movie. We ended up seeing "Carnage" his choice. Wouldn't recommend movie. Intense.

I completely backslided this a.m. when he was leaving for the gym (still dark) and I said lets snuggle/sex....the gym can wait......etc....obviously he was not interested and he left for the gym. Why do I do this after I know he is cheating?! Serious lack of self confidence.

Anyway...after these last few years, just want to be held. Nothing more. Want to feel secure. So trying not to be needy but all I want is to be wanted. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_________________________
Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14

Top
#2212927 - 01/15/12 04:24 PM Re: CAUGHT HIM IN HIS LIE! [Re: abbey1989]
imthemom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 343
Loc: California
abby...
i totally get how your feeling, its the whole feeling like youve been replaced that makes you feel so desperate. Its a horible feeling. I always thought that if a man ever did that to me (have an A) i would be out of there...it was a deal breaker as far as I was concerned.

And then I caught my H in bed with that woman and for the next week all I could think about was being with him. Like you said..seriouse lack of self confidence. I have sense worked on many things about myself and know that I deserve so much more. It doesnt make it any easier, and yes I love him and miss having that companion but not the person who is capable of making me feel the way he has. And I wouldnt sleep with him now if he was the last man on earth. As a matter of fact it is really hard for me to even be around him without feeling kind of dirty and grossed out.
I can tell you that it gets easier...its been over 3 months since I found out about ow and yes, i still have minutes of anxiety when I think about them together but its not as frequent and its not the gut wrenching pain and agony it was .....shockingly it does get easier.
be gentle on yourself...I think its a huge shock to our senses and we just have to ride it out.
_________________________
Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...

Top
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